Column #479 Hey, Big Bang Theory: WHAT THE COITUS?!

Monday, December 1, 2014
Column 479
Hey, Big Bang Theory: WHAT THE COITUS?!

Any dart player – steel or soft or wood, and even magnetic or lawn or Nerf – that has seen the CBS smash hit sitcom The Big Bang Theory  knows (Dartboard!  Dartboard!) that the board hanging on roommates Sheldon Cooper’s and Leonard Hofstadter’s apartment door is approximately a foot too low.  In the entire universe of darts, this is possibly the one thing upon which all players agree.

WHAT THE COITUS?!

Let’s be serious…

Sheldon has an IQ of 187 (Big damn deal – it’s no outshot!).  He was a child prodigy who began college at the age of 11.  He obtained his Ph.D. at the age of 16 and is a theoretical physicist researching quantum mechanics and string theory.  He knows everything – except the proper height to hang a dartboard in his apartment.  Seriously?

Leonard also has a Ph.D., is a physicist, and has an IQ of 173 (Still no out!).  He figured out how to pork (and eventually marry) his across-the-hall neighbor, Penny, probably the hottest chick in TV Land.  But he doesn’t know the proper height to hang a dartboard in his apartment.  Seriously?

Sheldon’s and Leonard’s buddies, Rajesh “Raj” Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz, who spend almost all of their time at the apartment, are also geniuses.  Raj has a Ph.D. and is a particle astrophysicist.  Howard is an aerospace engineer with a master’s degree from MIT.  And neither of these guys has noticed the dartboard is hung at the wrong height.  Seriously?

Sheldon’s girlfriend, Amy Farrah Fowler, has a Ph.D. in neuroscience.  Howard’s girlfriend (now wife), Bernadette Rostenkowski, has a Ph.D. in microbiology.  Both also spend a ton of time  at Sheldon’s and Leonard’s place.  And neither of these super smart women has clued into the fact that the dartboard is too low.  Seriously?

Again, WHAT THE COITUS?!

It gets worse.  Penny is/was a waitress at a Cheesecake Factory and part-time bartender.  She’s seen a lot of bars (and beds).  The guys may be geeks (and so, perhaps, might be excused from knowing the proper height of a dartboard) but Penny?  No way!  If she hasn’t seen a board hung right in a bar she has sure as hell seen one hung right (pun intended) on the back of a few bedroom doors.

And then there is David Saltzberg.  Possibly you’ve never heard of him.  He’s a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of California, Los Angeles.  He’s real.  Since The Big Bang Theory first aired in September 2007 – for eight years and almost 170 episodes – he has checked scripts, dialogs, and equations used as props for accuracy.  “We worked hard to get all the science right,” he has said.  He has scrutinized humongous mathematical equations scrawled on Sheldon’s and Leonard’s white boards but hasn’t noticed the dartboard hung at midget height.  Seriously?

It blows my mind.

It gets even nuttier.  The actors who play Sheldon, Leonard, and Penny are paid $1 million per approximately 20-minute episode.  That’s $50,000 a minute.  The actors who play the other main characters are paid in the “mid six-figure range” so, say, $25,000 a minute.  Saltzberg is probably paid a bunch.  These people are real live actual human beings who have certainly been in a bar.  They must know the dartboard on the show is hung wrong.  They just must.  Have they all said nothing?  Seriously?

Some well-known people have made cameo appearances.  Famous astrophysicist and Nobel laureate George Smoot has appeared.  Didn’t he notice?

Even the most famous of them all, Stephen Hawking, has had a couple roles.  He can be forgiven for not noticing because, after all, the board is kind of at his height and, well, he’s never physically “stepped” into the apartment.

The Big Bang Theory is one of the highest rated sitcoms in television history.  Some 20 million viewers tune in each week in America while another million-plus watch each episode in Canada and England (where I have heard there are people who play darts).  But the creators of the show, Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, while they strive to retain high ratings and scientific accuracy, are week after week falling about twelve inches short of 5’8″ perfection in the positioning of one of the most prominent props on their show.

This must be corrected, and I am here to help.  Please take note Chuck and Bill…

I know the proper height for a dartboard (honest – I have read the American Darts Organization’s (ADO) rules, very carefully, and have recently offered them a little bit of friendly advice – just ask them).  I have hung boards many times in many places (and then removed them at my wife’s request – err ultimatum – just ask her).  In 2012, I even wrote a letter to North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and offered to fly to Pyongyang (which I am pretty sure is not a dirty word) to introduce him and his countrymen to the sport, but apparently he prefers basketball and killing his relatives.

So I am not just offering to help; I am qualified to help.  With a tape measure and a screwdriver, I can make your show even more realistic.

I am not expensive.  I will do the work for a fraction of what you pay any of your actors.  I can get the board hung right in about ten minutes.

Of course, if Penny is present it could take all night.

From the Field,

Dartoid

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Dartoid
Author of the column that since 1995 has been featured by Bull’s Eye News, the American Darts Organization’s (ADO) Double Eagle and numerous other darts publications and websites around the globe.
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