Dartoids World

Column #HR126 Back from the World of Toy Darts!

Thursday, November 20, 2014
Column HR126
Back from the World of Toy Darts!

After a brief sojourn into the world of “toy darts,” Toeing the Oche returns today to the “real” dart world of the PDC…

Since the last visit they have put forth a pair of “major” events on the telly.  Well not on TV in the USA without a charge.  Stupid.  The greedy bastards are making peanuts while leaving the filet mignon on the table.  The real money’s on North American TV.  In some areas the local FOX Sport Channel is using darts as “filler.”  Within a couple of years Colonists will be able to watch darts on a regular basis on FOX.  Then watch prize money zoom, maybe.

First up was the Unibet Masters in Edinburgh.  James Wade’s been on roll of late, his latest victim being Mervyn King.  In their final Wade came from 9-2 down to score a “stunning” 11-10 win.  To get to that final Wade had to dispense with one Philip Douglas Taylor by the almost the same score, 11-9.  Mervyn King reached the final with an 11-9 win over Michael van Gerwen.  At 10-9 down van Gerwen got 162 to stay in the game just long enough for King to finish on 121 with the bull.

It’s too easy to say that Mervyn King “choked” against James Wade while blowing a 9-2 lead.  That would be cruel and hurtful, but sometimes the truth is.  There was a golfer from Taiwan named T.C. Chang.  He entered 132 PGA events with his best finish a runner-up in the 1985 U.S. Open.  In that one’s final round he “double-hit” the ball on the way to a quadruple bogey – 4 over par – finishing second by one stroke. Truly an inspiration to any “wannabe choker.”  The initials T.C. became an acronym for Total Collapse.

Up 9-2, King missed 4 darts to win legs from 10-2.  At 10-7, King missed 6 match darts and then 2 more when up 10-8 for the win.  Wade for the win collected £50,000.  The evidence of King choking is all circumstantial but as Henry David Thoreau said…

“Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.”

In the other biggie Phil Taylor won his sixth Grand Slam of Darts with a 16-13 victory over Dave Chisnall, picking up £100,000.  With a format that started with group play Taylor would go 11-0.  Not too Chablis.  There were lots of highlights over the week including a nine-darter from Kym Huybrechts (as he upset Michael van Gerwen), maybe the emergence of “rookie” Stephen Bunting, and the PDC debut of Richie George.  George is the son of the always colorful Bobby George.  Richie didn’t fare well losing to Taylor 5-0, Andy Hamilton 5-2, and Christian Kist 5-1.  Youth will be served, just not at this event.

The PDC doesn’t have a draft per se as other major sports do.  They have a Qualifying School – but are not adverse to enticing the BDO Lakeside Champ into their friendly arms.  John Part and Raymond van Barneveld joined the PDC via that method.  Bobby George never acceded to the allure of the PDC staying with the BDO.  Bunting, the reigning Lakeside Champ, did himself A-OK at the Grand Slam.  He won his group with nary an “L” getting to the semifinals, losing to   Mervyn King 16-9.  Along the way he took out James Wade 10-8 in the second round.  Before Bunting’s match with James Wade the Sage of Sittingbourne posted…

“Steve Bunting has no chance against Wade.  For a start he’s X BDO who are all shit, he won a false world championship, and he can’t possibly match the averages needed.”

“Oh what happened?  He won…”

“Cancel that last post.”

Taylor would never trail in the final but after building a 5-0 lead had to show some grit when it got to 9-9 and 10-10.  Taylor would take 5 on the trot to open a 15-10 lead which afforded some breathing room (which usually prevents choking) on the way to his 16-13 win.

In the Colonies the chattering class was talking about the 2015 WDF World Cup in Antalya, Turkey.  Some think sending an American team to play darts in a country that “hate’s our f’ing guts” raises stupidity to a new level.  If there’s any doubt of that, many checked out the video on Facebook of 3 U.S. Naval enlisted men getting “accosted” and “roughed up” by a small group of Turks.

As we’ve been told, here in the Colonies, Queen Isabella and her husband Ferdinand played a major role in the discovery of America.  It was Queen Isabella who financed and supported the 1492 voyage that led to the opening of the New World.  She also ordered the conversion or exile of Spain’s Muslim population.  Queen Isa got it done.

As if by magic, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Eedogan – Muslim name: Mohammed Ali Ben Bullshit – said, “ the Americas were discovered by Muslims in the 12th century, nearly three centuries before Christopher Columbus set foot there.”  He continued,  “Contacts between Latin America and Islam date back to the 12th century.  Muslims discovered America in 1178, not Christopher Columbus. ”  Got it Ali Ben.

Queen Isabella made a mistake. Instead of begging the Court for money she could have asked the Muslims she was tossing out of the country about the “New World.”   Christopher Columbus could have just stayed in España – reportedly doing a little “he’ing and she’ing” with the good Queen – while Ferdinand’s agent worked on getting him a spot on Jose Morales daytime chat forum.  His show “Jose Holds Court” was the forerunner of Jerry Springer.

In  the Year 2001, the ADO World Cup team of Julie Nichol, Marilyn Pop, Paul Lim, Dan Lauby, and Tim Grossman voted NOT to travel to Malaysia.  They showed a degree of common sense not seen that often in darts.  Paul Lim?  Yep, he’s the original traveling man like the guy in the 1961 Ricky Nelson tune Travelin’ Man…

“I’m a “travelin’ man and I’ve made a lotta stops all over the world.”

Lim has played internationally for Papua New Guinea, Singapore, the USA, and is now back to Singapore.

Will the ADO team of 2015 do the same thing?  They may, but if they do another team will be chosen.  Por qué?   The president of the World Dart Federation is Bill Hatter of Canada and the vice president is Buddy Bartoletta of the USA.  These two executives will NEVER allow their teams to withdraw.  “We have to do this for darts.”  Yea, and to save your own bottoms and stay in office.

The ladies on the WDF/BDO international circuit are very vocal about “equal” everything.  They appeared on the telly playing in the Jersey Open.  One of the great lady players of all time, WB, posted…

“This women’s dart final on Eurosport is embarrassing.  A leg was just won in 46 darts.  Women need to improve to get regular TV, simple.”

The Sage of Sittingbourne?

“I’m saying nothing.” That in itself is a change.  Former women International and good gal, Jayne Kempster, summer it up…

“She had a 30 average.  I’m saying even less.”

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.