Sunday, October 1, 2017
Column 545
The return of Mr. Darts Language Person!
Welcome to “Ask Mr. Darts Language Person,” the only column of its kind in the world, including England, dedicated to proper grammatorical usage in connection with the sport of darts. Special thanks are due to columnist Dave Barry of the Miami Herald, from whom I blatantly ripped off this idea. Barry is recognized as one of the leading language experts of our time. Recently he won the “World Wrestling Grammar Federation Smackdown” after taking out William Safire with a well-placed knee to his gerunds.
The point of this column is simple: even if you can’t throw a dart, if you understand the language of darts – if you know what to say and what not to say – you will be able to impress people. As we all know, darts people need all the help they can get when it comes to impressing people. Therefore, I am here to take your darts language questions and, hence, to play whatever small role I can to help ensure that when darts finally does become an Olympic sport, and mucho multiple-time world champion Phil Taylor is interviewed on television by Erin Andrews, he doesn’t chase her around the set and try to show her his gerunds.
So, let’s start today’s column with a darts punctuation question:
Q: My name is Dave Allen. I am the Professional Darts Corporation’s (PDC) media guy and I write most of the copy you read about PDC goings on. I am, never, quite, sure, when, to, use, commas.
A: You should use a comma whenever you feel the need to pause in a sentence. EXAMPLE: “So me and my mate was down at the pub hoistin’ a few jars and throwin’ some arrows and my mate’s bird was chalkin’ and that’s when I noticed that, by crikey, she’s got an arse the size of Cheltenham.”
If you need to pause longer – like when you want to emphasize how INCREDIBLY long something took to happen – simply use more commas. EXAMPLE: Paul Lim patiently sipped his beer while Howie Dirks,,,,,,,,,, attempted again and again and again and again to close the double one.”
Q: Dayton Strawbridge here. Dayton’s a MAN’s name. Dayton’s a TOUGH man’s name. Doubt that and I pop ya in da nose wit a ketchup bottle!”
A: Is there a question in there somewhere, Dayton?
Q: Yea. Some of us be talkin’ da other night ’bout distractions, ya know, after we gots thrown out da bar. One of my boys says: “Like I was tellin’ ya, bro, as I approached da line, a distraction caught my eye.” So, noticin’ that somethin’ jus’ didn’t sound right, I says: “Yo! That there sentence ain’t grammatorically correct.” Can ya backs me up?
A: You are absolutely correct, Dayton. What you have there is an example of using the fractile pentameter tense when following a first person combustion impregnator. The sentence should be re-written as follows: “As I approached the line, a distraction with hellacious hooters caught my eye, so I forfeited the game and poured a Budweiser down her shirt.” I think that’s why they booted us from the joint.
Q: My name is Tommy Stewart. My buddies tell me I have the gift of gab. I’m thinking I might like to become a famous darts commentator like that nice British fellow, Sid Waddell, may he rest in peace. So, what I need to know is: when’s it dart and when’s it darts, when’s it triple and when’s it treble and when’s it hockey and when’s it oche?
A: Thanks for writing, Tommy. I’m sure many others have the same questions but are afraid to ask them because they don’t want people to look at them funny, like they’re some kind of pork chop or somethin’. I’m pleased to know that this doesn’t bother you. Let me help.
The word “darts,” like the word “hose,” is what is called a plural noun. So, just as one hose is referred to as a “ho,” the proper construction of the singular of the word darts is “da.” EXAMPLE: Darin Young wired his final da because he was distracted by the ho with the hooters.
“Treble” is not a word. Nowhere. No way. It is what grammatorians refer to as a flatulent British infarction. The correct term is, indeed, triple. EXAMPLE: After pounding the triple, Ray Carver immediately advanced to third base, where he then scratched his gerunds.
The correct term to use when referring to the toe line is NOT hockey: it’s oche! While some believe the word can be traced back many centuries to the birth of the British Darts Organization’s (BDO) head honcho, Ollie Croft, nobody really knows where this term came from. And nobody seems to care. As one grammatorian recently explained: “Whatcha gonna call it, a football? It’s just a stupid-ass line on the floor.”
Q: Speaking of Ollie Croft, what can the letters of his name be rearranged to spell?
A: “Relic of Lot.”
Q: What’s the significance of this anagram, mysteriously buried deep inside Ollie Croft’s name?
A: Lot was the guy from Book of Genesis who was admonished by the angels, who were sent by God to destroy the five cities in the valley of Jordan, to leave the city of Sodom with his wife and daughters, and not look back. But his wife did look back. The angels turned her into a pillar of salt.
Q: And the significance is WHAT?
A: Who said it was significant?
Q: You did! YOU brought it up. WHY am I reading this crap?
A: Well, it isn’t significant. It’s stupid. I’m just flagrantly padding this column to reach the requisite number of words.
Q: Oh. Okay. Are we at the point yet where you customarily take a poke at that lowlife who does nothing for darts, knows nothing about darts and is friendly with people who dress Nazis?
A: Actually, we are at that point. But he gets a break this week. He’s nothing but a giant gerund. It’s just incredible.
Q: Hi there, Big Boy. This is Tiffany. Remember me?
A: Uh. I thought I told you not to write me here?
Q: Hey! Dave Reese here. Remember ME? I took you out a while back in Philadelphia at the Chesney shoot. I also whipped you in Charlotte. And Richmond. Har. Har. You suck. Anyway, my friends call me “Woody.” Can you tell me when it is appropriate for the announcer to use my nickname at a darts tournament?
A: Woody. Woody. Woody! What are you trying to do, lure me into to saying something that could cause me to insult the four members of the female persuasion who still read my stuff? I’m sorry, but I have to respectfully decline to answer your question.
I write a clean, non-sexist, politically correct column here.
Besides, it’s just about time for Man Show reruns. They have trampolines!
From the Field,
Dartoid
