Thursday, January 1, 2015
Column 480
New Year’s Resolutions – for the ADO!
How ironic it is that the January 4 release by the ADO of their first financial statement in nearly a decade and a half and the final match of the almost $2 million (about $400,000 to the winner) PDC William Hill World Championship coincided. Given that the only American to participate (Scott Kirchner) earned his invite by virtue of his success on the DARTSLIVE soft tip circuit, the utter incompetence of the ADO and travesty of the shutout of any other American from the 72-player field is illuminated all the more.
Congratulations are due to Scott. What a showing.
And how phenomenal is Phil Taylor – now 17-times world champion. Absolutely astounding (not that he would have a chance against anyone from Indianapolis). Pound for pound Taylor has to get the nod for greatest sportsman of the past couple of decades, second only to Manny Pacquiao. The later name might be debatable but not until Floyd Mayweather, Jr. agrees to a fight, and wins – and he won’t.
WAIT! Taylor didn’t win? He’s only 16-times world champion. Oh horrors! This spoils my perfect bracket in Anthony Eugenia’s pool!
Okay. Okay. So Taylor didn’t win – but what an exciting 7-6 final! What a spectacular tournament! Scotsman Gary Anderson is Champeen of the World – not that he would have seen the second round if Kirchner hadn’t suffered a couple of millimeter misses in their first round match. Probably there will be a story about this in the next Double Eagle.
Anderson is going to be a wonderful ambassador of the sport. His post match interview was class (and perhaps understood by Klingons).
Of course, the first paragraph above makes for the perfect segue into resolutions for the year ahead…
Why make New Year’s resolutions?
As a famous author once wrote, “Because you can be a better person. I bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect – somebody who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of decomposing raccoons. You wonder how that person ‘does it all,’ don’t you? Well, stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off the sofa and kill that person with a crowbar!”
Seriously, you need to make New Year’s resolutions “…so that you can become a better you – a more attractive you, an organized you, a you that is… well, less like you.”
Surely, you have made New Year’s resolutions? You’re going to stop drinking and smoking… and exercise more than not at all.
Maybe even the ADO has made resolutions? Nah.
Probably you are thinking: “Yep, I would love nothing better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is that I will lose weight,” yet currently “I’m busting out of the beer and nacho stained XXXL t-shirt that Howie Dircks gave me!”
Probably the big-wig ADO muckety-mucks are thinking, “Hell yes, we would all like nothing better than to be just like Dartoid!”
As to keeping resolutions the same famous author continued, “Don’t feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year’s resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring. ‘We just lost our motivation,’ they reported.”
So there is proof – keeping New Year’s resolutions can be difficult. But it can be done. The key to success: you have to be realistic. “Many people fail to keep resolutions because they ‘set their sights too high.’ In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain.”
I will now help the ADO make some resolutions for 2015…
Unrealistic Goal #1: “The ADO will write, approve, and put into action a plan to woo favor with the PDC and earn American players two invitations to next year’s World Championships.” Realistic Goal #1: “Just as Michael Buffer secured a federal registration trademark on the phrase ‘Let’s get ready to rumble,’ the ADO will trademark the phrase ‘We’re working on it.'”
Unrealistic Goal #2: “The ADO will rewrite its by-laws so qualified business-minded people can run for the board of directors in a fair election environment and lead the organization to a better future for all darts player.” Realistic Goal #2: “The ADO will order out for Chinese food.”
Unrealistic Goal #3: “The ADO will hire an accounting firm to bring financial order to a dozen years of financial chaos which is undercutting confidence in the organization’s ability to govern the sport in America.” Realistic Goal #3: “See Realistic Goal #1.”
Unrealistic Goal #4: “For the first time in a decade the ADO will conduct a performance review of its office manager.” Realistic Goal #4: “The ADO will put out an All Point’s Bulletin on its office manager, hand her a pink slip, and hire a golden retriever to run the office.”
Unrealistic Goal #5: “The ADO will change its acronym to DOA.” Realistic Goal #5: None (Unrealistic goal is realistic.)
Now, for just a moment try to forget the ADO and think only of yourself. This step is vital. You must have positive thoughts. If you constantly dwell on the ADO you will find yourself sinking into an abyss of primordial negativity.
According to our famous writer, once you commit to your resolution you should, “Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often (such as on your flights or a thousand bottles of beer): ‘I can do it, and I will do it!”
Finally, our famous writer (Dave Barry – who I sincerely thank and have attributed wherever his words have been quoted) advises that we must learn from our mistakes…
“Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on the Jerry Springer show. Think about it: The Appalachian Mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads of minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight!”
FACT: Joe Hogan is a mineral.
In cliché conclusion, I have run out of room so let me end by wishing you the best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions.
I will do my best to keep my resolution, which is to be kind to the ADO.
Starting next year.
From the Primordial Abyss,
Dartoid
