Dartoids World

Column #HR128 SUCK IT (and also Merry Christmas!)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Column HR128
SUCK IT (and also Merry Christmas!)

Yes, the days of “Decking the Halls with Balls from Holly” as “Hark Harold Angel Sings” are upon us all. During these days, the world will be “Rock’n Around The Christmas Tree” while wishing for a “White Christmas” which is a politically incorrect remark but Al Sharpton can SUCK IT.

Maybe the best Christmas wish list was submitted by a lady darter…

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year.  May I ask you to bring me a nice little 3-bedroom apartment located in preferably somewhere nice, I need a new Hermes Kelly, a Cartier ring, a Chanel coat, Saint Laurent shoes, MacBook Air, and a winning Euro Million lotto ticket!  I have not asked you for anything in the past decades so I hope this is not too much.

Other darters around the world are wishing for triples and doubles.  May they be on call.  Nice try.  Not going to happen.  Triples and doubles on call are achieved just like the answer given to a pianist when he asked…

“How do I get to Carnage Hall?”

One answer?

“Go two blocks and take a right.”

The correct answer, like the wish for triples and doubles is…

“Practice, practice, practice.”

Scott Kirchner might have gotten his Christmas wish with an invite to the PDC World Championships.  Good for him.  He got through the preliminary round with a whitewash of New Zealand’s Mark McGrath 4-0.  He was up against the #4 seed next in Scotland‘s Gary Anderson.   He would lose 3 sets to 1.  Some in North American took to Facebook to decry a “soft point” player being allowed in the biggest “steel point” event in the world.  Shame on them.  The ODC suggests Scott tell them to “SUCK IT.”

One of the all time greats, Mr. John Lowe, had a problem with the selection. Not that it was Scott Kirchner but that someone from the field of “soft point” could be invited while those like himself who made the PDC possible were left on the rubbish pile.  It was UK players like John Lowe, Eric Bristow, Bob Anderson and Dave Whitcombe – not to mention a slew of Yanks – who went out on a limb while jeopardizing their livelihoods to form the WPDPA which morphed into the PDC. Like golf’s Masters, former champs should be accorded the honor of playing in the PDC World Championship each year. Will that happen? When Pigs fly. So PDC… you can SUCK IT.

American players quit whining.  Get off your duffs, get some sponsor money and run your own tour.  The American Darts Organization will never do anything to help you play in a PDC event.  They, the ADO, are wedded to the World Dart Federation and the BDO.  They have a seat at the WDF table which feed’s their ever expanding egos.  American tournaments and leagues still haven’t figured out that sending money to the ADO is like pouring money down a rat hole.

The ODC didn’t  watch the PDC World Championships mainly because he wasn’t smart enough to find the stream that was available for free.  Free is always good.  But that didn’t stop him from following the exploits of  former world champion John Part.  He came from 2 sets down and in the process losing by scores of 3-nil to lose 3-1.  The deciding set was also a 3-niler to Keegan Brown.  Following the match Brown said…

“John showed he’s a true World Champion by coming back from 2-0 down, not many players would be able to come back from 2-0 down but he showed his class there.”

Damn straight.  From the Oche: Part will move to the commentary box where he’s a breath of fresh air.

Also out in the first round was the slumping Aussie Simon Whitlock – by a score of 3-1.  ODC pal Ronnie Baxter moves on to the next round with a 3-1 win over Daryl Gurney.

Now for the controversy – pronounced “Con TRAV IS E” in the Motha Country.  Wes Newton was playing Cristo Reyes.  They were tied at two sets all going to the decider.  The decider has to be won by two clear legs until they get to 5-all – then next leg wins.  Before the final leg the players go for the bull to decide who starts.  Cristo Ryes, who obviously knew the rules, went for the bull when referee Paul Hinks told him that the leg had started.  As the two played, they were then stopped and informed that “players (indeed) did need to go for the bull.”  So back to the start…

The PDC in their official release wrote, “Following confusion on stage as to whether or not the players should throw for the bull again…”  The confusion was that the referee didn’t know the rules.  Where was tournament director Tom Cox?  Like Obama during Benghazi, “No eye dear.” Mr. Cox did issue a statement…

“…and both have accepted that this was an unfortunate situation of human error, which can occur in any sport… the situation was the same for both players and the outcome of the game was not materially affected by this error.  Paul Hinks is a top class referee who makes very few errors in what is a very demanding role, especially on the biggest stage of all.”

Just another self-serving statement that is all too common  in darts. Like Phil Taylor’s phantom double “No big deal.” Not really – one Facebook person says that Newton was on his way to a win in the leg so it wasn’t “the same for both players.”

On the bright side  at least Cox didn’t blame an “internet video.” SUCK IT.

The ODC’s longtime friend Anne Kramer, better known as Sleepy, was involved in a horrific accident just days before Christmas.  She was driving to work when she hit a patch of black ice and skidded across the double yellow line, colliding with a SUV.  Needless to report, Anne came out second best.  She went into surgery within days for a “broken hip, clavicle, ribs and foot.”  A full recovery is expected, but it will take a long time.

Husband John Kramer, JK, is fending for himself and he doesn’t do fending good.  At last report, he was surviving on beer and the cat had kitty litter.  NO, he wasn’t drinking the  kitty litter. Friends of Anne’s will be holding a benefit shoot for her in Southern California early next year.  While her Christmas won’t be happy, she should know that her friends prayers are with her.

To our many darting friends around the world: Glædelig Jul, Maligayang Pasko, Hyvaa joulua, Nollaig Shona Dhuit, Sawadee Pee Mai and Selamat Hari Natal.

To our American friends: Feliz Navidad.

Regardless of the language…


Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.