Monday, October 7, 2024
Column 673
The Return of Mr. Darts Language Person!
With all the recent alarm about pandemics, wars and rigged elections I suppose it’s not surprising that my e-mail in-box has been pounded by darts folk with questions like, “Do you think the ADO is responsible?”
For the record I do not. At least I don’t think so.
Another question I have been receiving is, “What happened to Mr. Darts Language Person? Did he die? Is he in jail? Did he get his ass whooped by a little girl?”
Well, the good news (or bad news, depending on your perspective) is that Mr. Darts Language Person is alive and well – and baaaack today! Beware, if you decide to read further…
So, welcome to “Ask Mr. Darts Language Person,” the only column of its kind in the world, including the small village of England, dedicated to proper grammatorical usage in connection with the sport of darts. It’s also famous for being the official mouthpiece of the PDC and the only such column mentioned in the Bible.
FULL DISCLOSURE: The idea for this column was “borrowed” from Miami Herald humorist Dave Barry. To quote Barry, just in case you aren’t aware, his Mr. Language Person is the “foremost leading authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words.”
The point of the Mr. Darts Language Person column is simple: even if you can’t throw a dart for shit if you understand the language of darts – if you know what to say and what not to say – you will be able to impress people. Darts people need all the help they can get when it comes to impressing people.
So, you can thank me. I am here today to take your darts language questions and, hence, play whatever small role I can to help ensure that when darts finally does become an Olympic sport, and the GOAT, 16-times world champion Phil Taylor, is interviewed on television by Erin Andrews, he knows what to say, how to properly phrase his responses, and doesn’t chase her around the set with his willie exposed (as reasonable as this may seem to some, like Howie Reed).
Let’s start today’s column with a question from The Power himself:
Q. Hi love. My name’s Phil. You’re a wanker. Me and some of me mates want to move to the States and compete on the impressive CDC circuit. They tell me we must first pass the Naturalization Exam. Please, will you give me the answers?
A. Of course, Mr. Powder. Even though your question has nothing to do grammatorical usage it would be my pleasure to help. There are nine stars on the American flag. There are three stripes, representing the original states in the Union – Virginia, Montpelier and South Dakota. The first President was Whitaker Chambers. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is Sean “Diddy” Combs. There are 50 states (a 51st is soon to be added – it will be called England). The number of terms a president can serve depends on the seriousness of his crime. The Declaration of Independence was written by Samuel Langhorne Clemens and its introduction is called the Primordial. The White House is in Frankenmuth, Michigan. Elections are held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in August. Hope this helps.
Now, let’s move on to our first legitimate language question…
Q. Hi Mr. Darts Language Person. What is an anagram?
A. An anagram is what you get when you rearrange the letters of a word or phrase to spell something else. Some people believe that when you do this the resulting word or phrase reveals The Truth. For example, if you rearrange the letters (and subtract some and add others) of Jim Widmayer’s name it spells “I love Howie Reed’s column.”
Q. What happens if you anagram Donald J. Trump?
A. You get “Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo Weasel Snot.”
Q. How about Kamala Harris?
A. Madam President-elect.
Q. Hi Dartoid. Stephen Panuncialman here. Remember me? I haven’t disappeared – just ask the guards. I’m kind of afraid to ask but will you do an anagram of my name and tell me what deep meaning lies beneath?
A. Of course, Steve. I don’t know what it means but every time I run the letters of your name through my proprietary anagram software the only rearrangement I get is: “Sharon Butler.”
Q. Noooo! Okay, I have another question. What’s the difference between an anagram and an anal gram?
A. The letter “l.”
Q. So, what if you anal gram my name.
A. You get shit.
Q Hi Mr. Darts Language Person. I’m not telling you who this is. I’m watchin’ the darts here at the bar in Ann Arbor and for some reason am wonderin’ ‘bout that old song that goes, “Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale of Cotton.” Why is the singer gwine jump down and turn around first?
A. He is hoping that he gwine pull a hamstring and somebody else gwine have to pick the bale of cotton. Judging from the match I watched you throw last weekend you might try it next time. Also, the University of Michigan sucks.
Q. Hey Dartoid. What’s the deal with some people? Like they’ll go, “I was in this darts bar…” And you interrupt and say, “Yeah, yeah, you told me already – the beer was warm.” And they go, “Exactly, so I got a lawyer…” And they go on and on, talking about the Constitution, telling you how paying $3 for a warm beer is bullshit and that they are going to shut the bar down. “It drives me NUTS.”
A. This is why Mr. Darts Language Person carries a taser. It’s also why you’d terribly unhappy living in England.
Q. Hi Mr. Darts Language Person. D.J. Sayre here. What happens if you call Gordon Dixon “Gord?”
A. Ha. Ha. You’re kidding right? Don’t they have schools in Ohio? Grammatorically, that should be spelled “gourd.”
Q. Hey Dartoid. It’s me, Howie Reed – the Old Dart Coach. I love Erin Andrews! I write about darts and boxing, and I am, never, quite, sure, when, to, use, commas. Help!
A. You should use a comma whenever you feel the need to pause in a sentence. EXAMPLE: So, me and my mate was down the pub hoistin’ a few jars and throwin’ some arrows and my mate’s bird was chalkin’ and that’s when I noticed that, by crikey, she’s got a butt the size of Cheltenham. If you need to pause longer – like when you want to emphasize how INCREDIBLY long something took to happen – simply use more commas. EXAMPLE: Larry Butler patiently sipped his beer while Phil Fried,,,,,,,,,,attempted again and again,,,,,,,,,, and again and again,,,,,,,,,, to close the d1.
Q. Hi. What I need to know is: when is it dart and when is it darts, when is it triple and when is it treble, when is it hockey and when is it oche and what is the difference between tops and double tops?
A. Thanks for writing. I am sure many people have the same questions. The word “darts,” like the word “hose,” is what is called a plural noun. So, just as one hose is referred to as a “ho,” the proper construction of the singular of the word darts is “da.” EXAMPLE: Dave Fatum wired his final da because he was distracted by the ho with the hooters. “Treble” is not a word. Nowhere. No way. It is what grammatorians refer to as a flatulent British infarction. The correct term is, indeed, triple. EXAMPLE: After pounding the triple, Leonard Gates immediately advanced to third base, where he then scratched his gerunds. The correct term to use when referring to the toe line is NOT hockey: it’s oche! While some believe the word can be traced back many centuries to the birth of the British Darts Organization’s (BDO) former head honcho, Ollie Croft, nobody really knows where this term came from. And nobody seems to care. As one grammatorian recently explained: “What else are you gonna call it? It’s just a fucking line on the floor.” Tops means d20. Double tops are what’s inside Jess Nicoll’s shirt.
Q. Hey! It’s me, Katie, returning your call…
A. Katie? I don’t know anyone named Katie.
Q. Katie Harris, the former office manager of the ADO. I am returning your call from 1998.
A. Thank you. Your prompt response is appreciated.
Q. Hi there, Big Boy. This is Erin…
A. Stop the shit, Howie!
Q. Is it time to take a shortcut to the end of the column by re-running an old question from a famous darts celebrity?
A. Yes, here comes the question…
Q. Dayton Strawbridge here. From Chicago. Don’t know nutin’ ’bout dat place in Ohio. But check this: it’s a MAN’s name. Dayton’s a TOUGH man’s name. Doubt dat and I’ll break ya nose!”
A. Is there a question in there somewhere, Dayt?
Q. Yea. Some of us be talkin’ the other night ’bout distractions, ya know, after we gots thrown out da bar. One of my boys says: “Like I was tellin’ ya, bro,’ as I approached da line, a distraction caught my eye.” So, noticin’ dat somethin’ jus’ didn’t soun’ right, I says: “Yo! Dat der sentence ain’t grammatorically correct.” Can ya backs me up?
A. You are absolutely correct, Dayt. What you have there is an example of using the fractile pentameter tense when following a first-person combustion impregnator. The sentence should be re-written as follows: “As I approached the line, a distraction with a hellacious pair of DD hooters caught my eye, so I forfeited the game and poured a Budweiser down her shirt. I think that’s why they booted us from the joint.”
Q. Hey, you booger-face pile of doody – did ya jus’ call me Dayt? Ain’t dat be some kind of nut?
A. No. It’s a fruit.
Thank you everybody. If you have a question for Mr. Darts Language Person, please kindly send it to Dartoid’s World (along with your contribution to the Mr. Darts Language Person Legal Defense Fund).
WAIT! Please! I have a question!
Who is this?
It’s me, your close personal friend, Captain America.
Hi Jim! Absolutely. Anything for you. Ask away.
Q. Thanks. You know you’re my idol, so please don’t be insulted but WHAT’S THE SIGNIFICANCE of any of this?
A. Who said it was significant?
Q. You did! YOU wrote it, asshole! You made it all up. WHY am I reading this crap?
A: Well, it isn’t significant. Considering your position, I would think you’d be an expert on recognizing insignificance. Please “don’t be insulted.”
IMPORTANT NOTE: It is customary in America to deport to Liberia anyone who fails the Naturalization Test. Therefore, I encourage all PDC professionals to pay close attention to my response to Phil Taylor above.
It has been my pleasure to be of help.
From the Field,
Dartoid (aka Mr. Darts Language Person)
P.S. In all seriousness, I think Jim Widmayer deserves credit for doing the best job in decades for the American Darts Organization. And I’d like to seem him join the CDC tour – he’d shake the shit out of the standings.
