Monday, June 21, 2010
Column 392
A Dartboard for Father’s Day
I have a lot of dartboards. People give them to me.
I have one in my office, one in my home office, one on my lanai, and four or five others stacked up on a shelf in my garage. I’ve been thinking of giving some of them away to homeless people.
I practice on none of them. This is why I suck.
Since the one thing I don’t need or use is a dartboard it was a surprise to receive a dartboard for Father’s Day from my daughter, Jami. Well, actually, it wasn’t a complete surprise. Jami has a long habit of giving me unusual presents. Once she gave me a tie with a baby duck on it. The duck was physically stapled onto the tie. When I opened the box the tie, literally, started running around the living rom.
Seriously, Jami is one of those people who put great thought into her gift purchases. The thing is that in my case she doesn’t need to. For thirty years I have told her that all I really want is a Mercedes.
But I love my new dartboard. This is because it’s not your typical dartboard.
It’s a spitball dartboard.
Made in China, manufactured by a place called Knock Knock, and distributed by Who’s There, Inc. in Venice, California, this dartboard is something everybody should own, particularly eight-year-olds. I’ve just hung mine on my office wall.
I haven’t actually taken a shot yet. I’m going to do that, with you, while writing the next few paragraphs.
The rules are simple, or seem so.
The board must be hung at “roughly eye level.” I’ve done this – I’ve just stuck it on top of the unused Nodor board already hanging on my wall.
The spitball dartboard comes with a straw which I have removed from the little clips.
Next, the instructions say to “obtain a one square inch of paper and chew the paper until the maximum amount of saliva is absorbed.” Toilet paper is “not advised.”
With a ruler I measured out a one inch square of a Post-it note and cut the square with my scissors. So, as you read these words I am chewing paper.
IMPORTANT NOTE: One minute has passed.
The instructions now say to “insert the spitball into one end of the straw.” I have done this.
The rules say to stand five feet away from the board but this is crap. I am standing at the line I normally stand at when I don’t practice.
Next I am to inhale, put the spitball end of the straw to my lips, aim, and blow.
So here I go…
I am focusing on the bull.
Ready. Aim. Blow.
SPLAT! My little yellow spitball has found its mark, just a quarter inch to the left of the bull in the approximate position of the eleven.
I now see that there are short messages – kind of like fortune cookie messages – inside all of the board segments…
The message under my spitball reads: Abandon all hope!
So there you have it – the spitball dartboard is fun and realistic, and – in my case it came with the same message that people who have watched me throw darts have been telling me for years.
The game also can be extremely dangerous. It comes with several warnings.
As a “choking hazard” the product should not be used by children under the age of three or Miles Gallagher. Chewing on spitballs can be “hazardous to you health” and should not be swallowed. Spitballs should not be “reused or swapped” with other players. Most importantly, spitballs “should not be aimed at anything other than the board provided.”
I plan to obey all of these rules except the last one.
I have a special spitball ready with my daughter’s name on it.
From the Field,
Dartoid
