Monday, February 16, 2026
Column 709
The Epstein Darts Invitational
You know you’ve slipped into an alternate darts universe when the venue offers juice boxes instead of pints, a hand-painted banner screams NO RUNNING WITH SHARP OBJECTS, and the air is thick with the unmistakable aroma of fish sticks.
Yes, the latest Dartoid’s World exhibition match was staged not in Ally Pally, Vegas, or Blackpool…
…but in an elementary-school cafeteria.
Given the invited players – and the fact that Epstein’s island was cordoned off with yellow police tape – this was apparently deemed the next most logical venue. There were, of course, problems with staging the event in a lunchroom, but they weren’t the usual suspects: lighting, acoustics, or a rogue blast of air-conditioning.
The overriding problem was neatly summed up by a laminated poster taped to the wall: TRUSTED ADULTS HELP KEEP US SAFE. Indeed, it was impossible to ignore the number of adults seated beneath it, all of whom agreed this was an objectively terrible idea, whispering phrases like “optics,” “liability,” and “how fast can we cancel?”
Why?
Because the players were Donald Trump and Bill Clinton.
There was no scorekeeper in a colorful PDC shirt. Instead, the organizers installed a tiny girl in sparkly sneakers standing on a chair next to a chalkboard that previously read “Today’s Lunch: Nuggets and Peas.” She announced her name was Lily, that she was “good at arithmetic” and would “try (her) best with spelling.” Above the dartboard was a sign that announced the rules: BEST OF 11 LEGS. NO THROWING ERASERS.
The MC – flown in from the Mother Country – was the former Prince Andrew, Duke of York.
In the back of the room, Dutchman Jelle Klaasen warmed up in silence, firing darts into a practice board taped over a poster of the solar system. Readers will recall that in 2012, the former BDO world champion was accused of, and admitted, sending naked photos to a 15-year-old autistic girl. (Presumably, it was thought Klassen, who was invited to play a second exhibition, might have some much-needed legal advice for Trump and Clinton.) American John Doyle aka “Worldwide” who was sent to prison for “accidentally” showing porn to a 9-year-old girl, was extended an invite to play Klassen but did not respond.
Early betting was heavy for the Klassen/Doyle match – smart money was on the perv. So, had Doyle shown up all betters would have been winners.
Pre-Match
A PTA dad leaned toward the principal. “Did anyone think this through – did anybody run this past legal?” No reply – the principal was engrossed in composing a text message, probably to his lawyer…
A teacher knelt in front of a group of fourth graders. “Okay, remember – we’re here for darts.” A boy raised his hand. “Are you sure this isn’t about groceries?” Teacher: “No.” Boy: “Well, my mom says prices are crazy, and a Snickers desert bar is no longer ‘affordable’ with my lunch money.”
Another kid raised his hand. “Are these the guys my mom gives the finger to every time the news comes on?” Teacher: “Lower your voice.” Kid: “Why?” Teacher: “Just… lower it.”
The Match Begins
Trump stepped up first and declared his practice average was “incredible – better than anyone, maybe ever, people are saying so.” First dart: 20. Second: five. Third: bounced off a wire and into a crate of juice boxes. Lily asked, “Is that… bad?” A kid sitting with his father exclaimed: “My dad says that’s better than the economy.”
Clinton stepped up, sleeves rolled, grin deployed. His first three darts produced 60 – nothing flashy, but tidy, like a well-balanced federal budget, achieved only once since the Johnson administration. A girl whispered to her friend: “He looks like he’s pretending everything’s fine.” Friend: “Grown-ups do that.” One of the adults offered: “We’ll see if it’s ‘fine’ after he’s deposed by Congress.”
A small girl in the front row asked her teacher why the “orange man” was yelling at the milk cartons. Her teacher responded: “At least he’s awake.”
At the beginning of the third leg Trump argued that the toe line was crooked. One of the adults yelled: “No! It’s you who is crooked!”
Clinton inhaled (yes, he did!), exhaled, hit a double and smirked. A boy leaned to his friend: “He looks like weasel snot.”
Mid-Match Mayhem
During leg four, a rogue dodgeball rolled across the oche mid-throw. Trump stopped, demanded it be investigated. Clinton kicked it aside and somehow checked out 84 – bull, d17. One of the parents who understood darts commented to the woman next to him how absurd the close was.
Clinton asked Lily to get him a glass of “white water.” Lilly said, “You mean milk?”
Trump then argued that the toe line was measured wrong. A kid called out: “My teacher says rules matter!” Another added: “Unless you’re rich and famous!”
Clinton somehow hit another double. A girl whispered to her mother: “Why do people start to puke when they talk about these guys?” Her mother inhaled a napkin.
Uncomfortable History, Courtesy of Children
Trump switched darts. Clinton asked for a towel. A small girl tilted her head. “My grandma says she remembers him from… something about a lady with a blue dress?” The teacher drew a sharp breath, like she’d stepped on a Lego. “We are… watching darts.”
Another kid whispered: “My uncle says the other guy tried to buy Greenland.” A third asked: “Why?” Another kid responded: “Because he loves ice.”
Another little girl in pigtails whispered: “My mother says both those guys have files.” Teacher: “We do not talk about files.”
Near the milk cooler, a boy announced: “My parents argue a lot about Venezuela. Trump gave a thumbs up. Clinton chuckled.
Another kid leaned in: “Are they allowed in schools?”
Trump missed a double and announced it was due to “bullshit” lighting. A boy nodded solemnly. “That’s the word my cousin uses just before he gets grounded.”
Where Did Klaasen Go?
During leg five, some in the crowd turned to watch Klaasen warming up – but the practice area was empty. No Klaasen. Just a custodian quietly peeling a dart-pocked poster of the solar system off the wall.
One of the kids said, “He said he had to meet someone.”
The Decider
Final leg. The match was tied 5-all. The tension in the air was thicker than cafeteria mashed potatoes.
Trump needed d16. Hit eight. He turned to the crowd: “That was basically in. Everybody saw it.” A boy folded his arms. “That’s what people say when they’re full of caca.”
Clinton needed forty. Eight, d16. Game shot. Match.
Where’s Lily?
Lily left early, saying she had spelling class to get to. Prince Andrew scribbled the final score: sex to five. He paused, frowned, then wrote it even bigger.
Aftermath
Trump demanded a rematch – said it was “rigged.” Clinton asked where the exit was and whether the bus ran past the playground.
From the back, a lunch lady muttered: “I signed up to serve nuggets, not watch two lying lowlifes who know nothing about darts. Also, the correct shot with 40 remaining is tops. Any moron knows that.” Clinton overheard and responded immediately: “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”
Someone shouted: “My mom says you’re both pigs!” From somewhere near the exit, a lunch lady whispered: “I am never volunteering again.” The janitor stared at the dartboard, sighed, and muttered: “I just mop floors, man.”
As the crowd filed out – past empty juice boxes and shredded permission slips it occurred to some that while darts has been played in castles and prisons, on cruise ships and in village halls with carpets older than democracy, and even aboard Skylab and the Russian Mir Space Station, never before, considering the participants, had an elementary school cafeteria felt so tragically appropriate.
And then (as you may have suspected) it was observed…
…between the cafeteria exit and the car park entrance, was Lily – happily skipping along on the playground grass, hand-in-hand with Jelle Klaasen.
Somewhere inside, the principal finally hit “send.”
Stay thirsty, my friends,
Dartoid
