Friday, August 1, 2025
Column 693
What if a player faceplants?
Ah, the internet. That magical place where reason goes to die and dart players go to argue about flip-flops, monkeys, and Rule #449, Section 51, Paragraph 34.
Once upon a time – WAY BACK in 2014 – when the Darts Discussion Group was alive, a fun question was lobbed in like a barstool at closing time:
“If a player is on drugs and while walking to the board to pull his darts he trips over his flip-flops, falls, rips another hole in his jeans, knocks himself out, and has to be picked up and revived and it takes, say, five minutes, does he have to forfeit?”
And just like that, the floodgates opened. Not with insults. Not with outrage. But with glorious, nonsensical, inspired dartlogic.
Gary Bluhm asked: “Is he player one or two?” (Because, clearly, this was the important detail – not the unconscious man-child on the floor with a dart impaled in his thigh.)
Steve Mull raised a practical consideration: “If he broke his darts during the fall, he would need time for repair.”
Darren Parzow chimed in: “I think I knew him!” (Don’t we all!)
And Abe Smith, a kind of philosopher-medic, offered: “He has three minutes to wake up. If he is bleeding, he may need to see a doctor.”
Then James Woodcock entered the fray with a real-life observation: “That only happened once and still people bring it up!” (Classic deflection, James.)
Todd Strickland cut to the chase: “Depends on the color of the flip-flops.”
Timmy O’Brien offered the voice of reason – sort of: “Let him play… unless he groped someone on the way down.” (Words to live by in any pub league.)
Anne Kramer asked for clarification: “Did he trip? Or flip? Or flop? Inquiring minds wanna know!”
And then it spiraled – oh, how it spiraled…
Jeremy Dowler asked for an important clarification: “Is this a money round? That changes everything. He needs money to buy said drugs, right? Or is he a sponsored drug player? I don’t want to throw him out – his backers could be bad men. Too many variables.
Steve Dorotheo brought up the great divide, steel tip or soft tip: “You failed to indicate whether it was a steel or soft tip tournament which would make a world of a difference.” Sharon Butler piggybacked this (and didn’t even mention the ADO).
Carl Arndt took the dart by the horns: “Revive and make him stand on the line and snort it.”
Following on this, Thomas Knighton offered this apparently LSD-induced comment: “The answer is purple. Because there are no bones in ice cream.” (Or calories.)
From personal experience James Middlebrooks shared: “Was in that situation – only not drugs. It was Patron and I had downed 20 double shots while playing in a tournament. I pulled my darts, dropped one, and when I bent over to pick it up, I fell like a dead tree. Two guys… helped me up and got me going again.”
From there we careened into monkeys “engineered” by Phil Fried, dice rolls, toe-line violations, faceplants, and yogurt requirements. (You know, just a typical Tuesday night in Dart Land.)
A ruling was demnded…
So, what is the verdict – allowed to continue, or forfeited, or shall it be discussed at the biannual board meeting? Some, like Robyn Bishop, screamed “forfeit!” Quinton Ray: “Yes definitely forfeit.” “No,” offered Scott Patrick, “but if you lose to them, you should quit darts.” John Upham: “It depends. Did he hit the out before he fell?” Mike Mudd: “Only if it happens more than five times.” Dominic Pagnozzi: “It happens every week.” Bill Sweeney: “I would say yes, forfeit, for being stupid and wearing flip flops.”
Joe Dombrowski: “Real men don’t wear flip-flops!”
David (ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME) Miller: “I’VE NEVER WORN FLIP-FLOPS!”
A post from Howard Dircks: “The verdict is a secret. My therapist says I can’t discuss it.” This resulted in an immediate (and probably the best) response from Ben Faltys: “Show us on the doll.”
Another Howie (the late Old Dart Coach), darts’ no-nonsense, never controversial, main man of wisdom, took the easy way out: “It’s up to the tournament director.”
And then, like a sage descending from a temple, Michael Abbott invoked the sacred scrolls of Rules #20 and #13, whatever they are.
Finally, a voice of clarity – maybe even humanity – rose above the chaos. Jeremy Dowler posted: “The real victory is everyone is posting together! Nobody is bashing anyone, just trying to one up the previous ridiculous post. In a world where darts forums too often devolve into rage, insults, and someone yelling “SHE’S A SANDBAGGER!” at a grandmother from Iowa, this thread reminded us that we can laugh together – even if one of us is faceplanted unconscious on the floor.”
So, what was the final ruling?
It’s darts. Of course, the player must forfeit. Ban him for life.
Or at least until next weekend.
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Dartoid
