Tuesday, July 15, 2025
Column 692
The 51st State of Darts: Welcome to Alaska2
So, Donald Trump wants to annex Canada. Yep. He wants the land of maple syrup, moose, and manners to join the land of Big Gulps, bald eagles, and people yelling “Let’s goooo!” in public for no reason.
Before you panic about what this might mean for health care, hockey, or whether poutine is covered under the Constitution (it’s not, but it should be), let’s focus on the truly important question: what will this mean for darts?
Coin Toss
First things first – every match will now begin with a ceremonial coin toss using a “Roll Up the Rim” Tim Hortons cup. Winner gets the darts. Loser gets a double-double, a jelly-filled, and a heartfelt, “Sorry, bud.”
Commentary Will Get a Courtesy Upgrade
Imagine John Part calling a match: “Wow, that’s a… um… slightly unfortunate miss at d16. But we’re all human, eh? Real trooper. Salt of the earth. He’ll get it next time.” And Rod Harrington? “He’s throwing like a wanker. Er, uh, I mean like a lovely bloke having a rough patch. Apologies all around.”
The Oche Must Be Shoveled
In winter months, tournaments in the 51st state will require all players to shovel the oche before stepping up. That’s regulation, per subsection 4 of the new American Darts Act (Canada will be renamed Alaska2), right after the rule that mandates a bottle of Labatt Blue on every scoreboard table. Failure to clear snow will result in a two-leg penalty and being called “a real knob” by the tournament director, a local Zamboni driver named Gary.
No More “One Hundred and Eighty!”
Nope. That’s out. When an Alaska2 player scores a maximum, the announcer must shout: “ABOOT TO THE MAX, EH!” This will be required by the Darts Act. Failure to do so will result in five minutes in the penalty box with Justin Bieber’s “Baby” on repeat and a polite warning from a Mountie.
The National Darts Team Mascot?
Meet Bullseye Bruce: a friendly moose in a plaid vest, offering hugs. He’ll roam the venue, lick chalkboards, photobomb interviews, and occasionally wander into the ladies’ doubles bracket. It’s all just part of the new experience.
Ice-Tip Darts
Steel-tip and soft-tip will merge into ice-tip. All darts will now be required to pass former Canadian safety standards. So, goodbye tungsten… hello biodegradable vegan ice-tipped darts. They’ll be precision-milled, ethically sourced, and melt after 30 seconds – so your checkouts better be quicker than a beaver on Red Bull.
The EhCDC Tour
Formerly the CDC Tour, now the EhCDC Tour. Winners will receive: a trophy shaped like a frozen dartboard, $10,000 U.S. dollars or the Canadian equivalent (currently 35 loonies), and lifetime maple syrup refills at participating Denny’s locations.
The Real Game-Changer
With Canada under the Stars and Stripes, Team USA will absorb John Part, Matt Campbell, Jim Long and others. They’ll all be repping Old Glory. Suddenly, we go from fringe threat to darting a darting superpower. Brits will be nervous. The Dutch will raise an eyebrow. Even the Aussies might put down their Fosters.
So, will it happen?
Who knows. Trump says a lot of things. But if Canada does become Alaska2, darts will never be the same. There’ll be more plaid. More politeness. More public moose incidents. And yes, every 180 will echo with the sweet sound of: “ABOOT TO THE MAX, EH!”
And, hey England – rumor is Trump is eyeing you for #52! Perhaps it will be considered a fair trade for removing tariffs. Wouldn’t that be “lovely jubbly” (as Bobby George would say).
Stay thirsty, my friends,
Dartoid
