Friday, February 10, 2012
Column 427
Ask Mr. Darts Language Person
Join me now for another issue of “Ask Mr. Darts Language Person,” the only darts grammar column mentioned in the Bible but banned from The Website That Shall Not Be Named.
We begin today by stealing from humorist Dave Barry and reporting on the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes (when we all know that DDs are the only size worth handling).
As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks (motto: “There’s one opening right now in your basement”) decided to call its cup sizes “Tall” (meaning “not tall, ” or “small”), “Grande” (meaning “medium”) and “Venti” (meaning, for all we know, “weasel snot”). Unfortunately, we consumers, like moron sheep, started actually USING these names. Why? If Starbucks decided to call its toilets “AquaSwooshies,” would we go along with THAT? Yes! Baaa!
But it’s getting worse. Recently, at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and Death March, Mister Language Person (Barry) noticed that a Starbuck’s competitor, Seattle’s Best Coffee (which also uses “Tall” for small and “Grande” for medium) is calling ITS large cup size – get ready – “Grande Supremo.” Yes. And as Mister Language Person watched in horror, many customers – seemingly intelligent, briefcase-toting adults – actually used this term, as in, “I’ll take a Grande Supremo.”
Listen, people: You should never, ever have to utter the words “Grande Supremo” unless you are addressing a tribal warlord who is holding you captive and threatening to burn you at the stake. JUST SAY YOU WANT A LARGE COFFEE, PEOPLE. Because if we let the coffee people get away with this, they’re not going to stop, and some day, just to get a lousy cup of coffee, you’ll hear yourself saying, “I’ll have a Mega Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong decaf.” And then you will ask for the key to the AquaSwooshie. And when THAT happens, people, the terrorists will have won.
Now, let’s move on to our first language question, “submitted by a regular person just like you, except that you actually exist.” Yep, stole that line from Barry too.
Q. Hi Mr. Darts Language Person. What is an anagram?
A. An anagram is what you get when you rearrange the letters of a word or phrase to spell something else. Some people believe that when you do this the resulting word or phrase reveals The Truth. For example, if you rearrange the letters of Ollie Croft’s name is spells Relic of Lot.
Q. My name is, well… I am afraid to tell you my name. Can you do an anagram on this – Dino M. Zaffina – and tell me what deep meaning is there?
A. My pleasure. If you rearrange the letters of Dino M. Zaffina, add some and remove a few, it spells: Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong weasel snot.
Q. What word do you get if you leave the middle initial “M” out of the anagram?
A. Just one word, but this is a family friendly column and I can’t print really, really bad words. Plus, I am late for a meeting and have to shave and get into my “seersucker” suit.
Q. What is the difference between an anagram and an anal gram?
A. Instead of a new word or phrase, which is what you get when you anagram something, an anal gram will give you a real life three dimensional visual of the anagram.
Q. So what do you get if you do an anal gram of Dino M. Zaffina?
A. A pile of crap.
Q. What’s the deal with people who sue people all the time, like more than 20 times, and you can’t stop them? Like they’ll go, “I was in this darts bar…” And you interrupt and say, “Yeah, yeah, you told me already. The chalk was worn to a nub.” And they go, “Exactly, so I got a lawyer…” And they go on and on telling you how they are smart businessmen and within their rights and are going to shut the bar down and win a million dollars.” It drives me NUTS.
A. This is why Mr. Darts Language Person carries a tazer.
Q. What happens if you call Gordon Dixon just Gord?
A. Ha. Ha. You’re a dummy. Did you graduate third grade? Grammatorically, that should be spelled “gourd.”
Q. Is it time to take a shortcut to the end of the column by re-running an old question from a famous darts celebrity?
A. Yes, here comes the question…
Q: Dayton Strawbridge here. From Chicago. Don’t know nutin’ ’bout dat place in Ohio. But check this: it’s a MAN’s name. Dayton’s a TOUGH man’s name. Doubt dat and I pop ya in da nose!”
A: Is there a question in there somewhere, Dayt?
Q: Yea. Some of us be talkin’ the other night ’bout distractions, ya know, after we gots thrown out da bar. One of my boys says: “Like I was tellin’ ya, bro’, as I approached da line, a distraction caught my eye.” So, noticin’ dat somethin’ jus’ didn’t sound right, I says: “Yo!!! Dat der sentence ain’t grammatorically correct.” Can ya backs me up?
A: You are absolutely correct, Dayt. What you have there is an example of using the fractile pentameter tense when following a first person combustion impregnator. The sentence should be re-written as follows: “As I approached the line, a distraction with an hellacious pair of DD hooters caught my eye, so I forfeited the game and poured a Budweiser down her shirt. I think that’s why they booted us from the joint.”
Q. Hey you weasel snot seersucker pile of crap – did you jus’ call me Dayt? Ain’t dat be some kind of nut?
A. No. It’s a fruit. Sue me.
If you have a question for Mr. Darts Language Person please kindly send it to Dartoid’s World (along with a your contribution to the Mr. Darts Language Person Legal Defense Fund).
From the Field,
Dartoid
