Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Column 406
The Diary of an Unhealthy Dart Throwing Slug. Week Four of Nine.
February 23, 2011
I am in the middle of the fourth week of my nine-week diet and exercise program. Today I ate some weeds and dirt, ran twenty miles, sweated and almost died. Okay, the twenty mile bit may be an exaggeration or a gigantic frickin’ lie. Take your pick. (NOTE: If you pick “exaggeration” you’re a moron.)
I threw some darts – some serious practice – hoping that Dave “Boy” Green would get back to me on what I thought was the crystal gauntlet I threw down last week – to put up or shut his pie hole. Apparently the Mouthy One can’t read any better than he can spell.
Practice was the highlight of my day. Well… briefly. I hit back-to-back maximums and saw glory – but then hit a fat five with my seventh dart. It took 26 darts to finish the mess. So I packed it in and gorged on cashews and orange juice.
February 24, 2011
One winter when I was eight years old I got the flu. My mother told me if I always wore my galoshes in the snow I would never get sick again. She lied. My mother lied!
Today I am sick. First my mother lied and now it appears that the Whole Heath Plan is crap. It’s supposed to protect me. I’ve eaten something like 125 oranges in the past almost four weeks and now I am too ill to pick up my darts. Maybe I should switch to an apple a day…
February 25, 2011
I’m still sick. Is it possible that all the good nutrients and enzymes I’ve slammed for the past month have been defeated in battle by all the chemicals that have called my body home for the past half-century? Is it possible that my friend, Reverend Raw – the inventor of the Whole Health Plan – is just another lying mother?
February 26, 2011
I’ve made it through one month on the Whole Health Plan! Excepting that I’ve now puked for three days straight all is going well. Probably I’ve lost more weight but I am too fatigued to get out of bed and walk to the scale to find out. I’m so miserable that I can’t even think of anything derogatory to say about Dave “Boy” Green.
I am sure that I will be better or dead soon.
Thank you Reverend Raw.
From the Field,
Dartoid
