Monday, February 7, 2011
Column 403
The Diary of an Unhealthy Dart Throwing Slug. Week One of Nine.
January 30, 2011
I weighed 203 this morning.
Since graduating high school in 1971 where I was a nationally ranked swimmer (52.6 for the 100 fly – but my dogs can now beat me across our pool), attending West Point (where we often jogged 20 miles a day in combat boots with 60 pound packs on our backs – leading to my decision to tell the academy and military to blow me after 3 months, 13 days and 11 hours) and getting married to a great woman (she is also a great cook who can make amazing things out butter and sugar) I have put on 53 pounds. For exercise I walk back and forth to a dartboard (7’ 9 ¼” each way). I need help because I am a big fat slug.
Today is my New Beginning. Today I began the nine-week Berry Whole Health Plan.
I drank lemon juice. I had three oranges for breakfast. (Note: An important part of the plan is to eat slowly and actually taste what you are eating. I found that oranges taste like oranges.) For lunch I had a salad which tasted like salad. I had whole grain pasta with organic tomato sauce for dinner. For exercise I walked my dogs around the block and threw a lot of darts. I am not hungry. I am not happy either. But I am committed to either 1) losing the weight in nine weeks or 2) being the first 57-year-old to play nose guard for the Seattle Slugs.
January 31, 2011
I weighed 205 this morning. Oh oh.
I must tell you the basics of the Plan. It was developed by my friend and business associate Paul Berry. Basically, it involves eating an entirely organic plant-based diet – fruit in the morning, greens in the afternoon and grains and vegetables in the evening. Twenty-minutes of exercise are required three times a day. You must drink a lot of lemon juice. If by the end of the plan you haven’t reached your weight-loss goal you must cut off a body part to make up the difference.
My buddy lost 40 pounds in nine weeks and is now a one-legged Chippendale.
February 2, 2011
I am starting my fourth day, or maybe it’s my third day. I don’t know anymore. I am hallucinating from swilling lemon juice and eating oranges. Then there’s the tabouli, rice and beans! I must purchase some Playboy magazines for the bathroom.
I have even been eating sprouts, some of which haven’t sprouted and which look like tiny green and white medicine capsules. I am worried that plants may be growing inside of me. I feel good though, am just a little fatigued. This morning I coughed up a leaf.
I have been keeping a mental list of questions for the creator of this Whole Health Plan. For instance, I found a bag of potato chips at the grocery that is organic, cooked in olive or safflower oil or something and dosed with sea salt. I wonder if it is okay to eat these – I need chips to get through the Super Bowl on Sunday! Also, I am not sure about portions. Is it okay to eat 100 oranges a day? Is a truckload of whole wheat organic pasta acceptable? I need answers.
I have not started the exercise, yet. I am afraid to get on a scale.
February 7, 2011
Today marks the beginning of my second week on the diet and the first time I have awakened after the Super Bowl without a hangover. I ate sunflower seeds and drank a blackberry smoothie yesterday while watching advertisements for Doritos and Coca-Cola during the ball game. I am feeling lighter but still haven’t weighed in because I can’t risk any disappointments right now. Like the rest of the country and world, I’m still recovering from my last one, the Bush presidency.
Exercise begins tonight. Darts!
From the Field,
Dartoid
