November 1, 2001
Column 112
Off the Oche with Dartoid
I’ve been waiting for the blokes at the Professional Darts Corporation (PDC) to call and ask me some of the questions from their special edition quiz, Off the Oche. Of course, I’ve also been waiting for them to ring and invite me to post my column on their very popular web site, http://www.planetdarts.tv/page/Welcome. Apparently my phone is broken.
Off the Oche is an innovative idea the PDC honchos have come up with to fill up space at their web site when they don’t have tournament coverage to share with their readers. In the web site world it is very important to have something new to greet your visitors every time they click back to your address in the ether. Otherwise they’ll quit coming to your site and go in search of pornography instead.
The way Off the Oche works is simple. What the PDC blokes do is buttonhole some unsuspecting dart person and ask them to randomly select and answer a set of questions from among a list of seventy-five questions. The questions were compiled by Tommy Cox one day while walking the moors with a tape recorder, a jar of warm beer and a sack of bickies packed by his mum.
Since the PDC has apparently decided not to ask me to take their little quiz I have decided to take it myself and send my answers to them by way of this column. The questions I have responded to below are some of the exact same questions that were posed recently to John Part, Martin Adams, Dave Askew and Alan Warriner. I’ll bet they don’t print it.
Here we go…
PDC: Hi Dartoid. Tommy Cox here. You’re my hero. Pick a number between 1 and 75.
DARTOID: 83!! Ha. Ha. Okay, Number 10. That’s Tony Blair’s address.
TOMMY: Do you look forward to going to work every day?
DARTOID: Yes Tommy, I do. Thank you for asking. Could I have a bite of your sandwich? Gimme double top.
TOMMY: Where do you shop for clothes?
DARTOID: Are you serious? The sandwich sucks, mate. Is that a cucumber? Let’s try double six.
TOMMY: Are you a good liar?
DARTOID: Indeed I am, Tommy. I love you. Bull!
TOMMY: You are invisible for twenty-four hours. Where do you go and what do you do?
DARTOID: I’d go to Phil Taylor’s motor home with my most treasured possession. Gimme a double 16.
TOMMY: What is your most treasured possession?
DARTOID: My willy! Number 1.
TOMMY: What do you want to do when you stop playing darts?
DARTOID: I want to stop paying taxes. I plan to become the Queen of England. I’ll take a triple 14.
TOMMY: Is God a woman?
DARTOID: Eric Bristow is God. Ask him. Gimme a 4.
TOMMY: What would you be: a cowboy, a medieval knight or a spy?
DARTOID: Given the choices, which are really very limited, I’d have to say screw the choices! I’d be Dick Alix. Let me have a big 75.
TOMMY: When did you last get drunk?
DARTOID: Burp. That would be just before I answered that last question. Gimme one more, mate. Double 9.
TOMMY: Last question, ‘toid. If you could make one apology what would it be?
DARTOID: Tommy and Dick: I’M SORRY!!
From the Field,
Dartoid
