May 1, 2000
Column 88
Darts Philanthropy
There is simply no question that I am going to win the honkin’ $325 million jackpot tonight when the numbers are drawn in the super seven-state Big Game lottery. Due to a bizarre convergence of factors, I am so absolutely certain I am going to rake in the big bucks that, philanthropist that I am, I’m dashing this column off early just to get on the record the list of all the fine people and organizations that shall benefit from my good fortune.
And, I’m not just posting it to the usual magazines that are silly enough to publish my drivel, I’m zapping it around the world via the INTERNET. There are just SO MANY people that I plan to help. I just KNOW you will all want to read your names RIGHT AWAY and learn that you will be RICH too. Do note however, that if you’ve read this far (and EVEN if you’re not reading this on a computer screen), an exotic new Filipino virus has already embedded itself on your privates. Sorry about that.
I am CONVINCED that I am going to become an instant multi-millionaire for three reasons: First, the thirteen machinists who shared $295 million in the last biggest lottery extravaganza were from Westerville, Ohio. And I used to live there! Tell me that’s not a sign. Second (and this is frickin’ unbelievable), according to a math wizard friend of mine, the odds of winning tonight are the same as flipping a coin and having it land on either heads or tails twenty-six consecutive times. In a row! If you follow this column you already know that I’ve lost EVERY toss of the coin I’ve been involved in since I was six years old. I have literally lived my entire life smack dab in the center of statistical improbability. I’m in the ZONE, baby! Da money’s mine! Third and finally, I read that a person is one hundred times more likely to suffer a heart attack between the time they purchase their Big Game ticket and the actual drawing then they are to beat the 76 million-to-one odds of cashing in. Well, it’s just two hours until those ping pong balls start popping out and you wouldn’t be reading this sentence if my ticker wasn’t chuggin’ along just fine. Besides, my WIFE bought the ticket. I’m tellin’ you — the $325 million is MINE. I’ve got all the bases covered.
By any standard $325 million is a whole lotta dough. It’s nineteen times as much money as Regis Philban has given away on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”. It’s enough to pay the Minnesota Twins’ entire payroll until the year 2020. After tax, in the form of an annuity payable annually for twenty-six years, it’s $8.5 million a year. Or $163,462 a week. Or $23,352 a day! Yep, by ANY measure $325 million is more money than I need.
Before I start making contributions though there are just a few things that I plan to do. First, I am going to buy the United Kingdom. I am going ban the sport of darts there, subdivide the country and then sell it off in lots, to the French. Why? Because I can. Second, I am going to quit my job. Why? Well, to put it delicately, if you have to ask this question your frontal lobes are obviously the size of Raisinets. Last, I’m going to get my wife some shoes and a brand new vacuum. Why? Because she bought the ticket, damnit!
There are many contributions I want to make to my friends and acquaintances throughout the world of darts. I’m going to get Steve Brown a Mercedes. No, I’m going to get him TWO of them. And a gross of golf balls. I’m going to give $25,000 to Lori Verrier — if she’ll mud-wrestle with me. I’m going to give Roger Carter $50,000 — so the pressure will be off this August when he takes aim again at a perfect cricket game at the North American Open. I’m going to get Tina DiGrigorio a Game Boy so she’ll have something to do between tournaments besides hang out in the Cyberdarts chat room. I’m going to get Tee Ruelman a halter top. And some high heels. Ditto for Jess Nicoll. I’m going to get Randy Holmes a case of beer and a set of soft-tip darts. I’m going to get Bucky Bakalac some therapy.
There are several people that I want to sponsor for a year with the equivalent of a day’s worth of my winnings because I just know that they could be among most competitive shooters in the sport, anywhere, if they could travel as much as is necessary. And they are among the finest, not as well known, representatives of our sport — they take good sportsmanship seriously. They are Bob Bettis, Dan Carroll, Rudy Berrara, Keith Blackmer, Jim Carsner, Daryl Montgomery, Michael Abboud, Roy Chad, Robert Dysangco, Amy Ramser, Carolyn Mars, Chris Webb, Marcia Loche, Sharon Borgeson and Suzana Vaccaro. I will also donate the equivalent of a month’s winnings to the American Darts Organization’s Youth Scholarship Foundation. These kids are the future of our sport, period. And I will make a donation to help the tireless Jim Poliquin truly energize his struggling Darts Hall of Fame.
I will make a few contributions to help completely unknown darters from other countries that I have met in little bars and thrown with over the years. Fanta Lillian from Kampala, Uganda — an incredible shot, but who barely has funds to eat. St. Ledger Hunt from Harare, Zimbabwe. And Ravi Sandarin who lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
By my calculation, subtracting the total of the contributions above from my winnings, I will still have something like $220 million. I will spend the rest of this, if necessary, to cure myself of the virus that has grabbed hold of my privates.
And then, if there is anything left, I’ll give it to Jay Tomlinson and Gary Jones if they’ll feature Tee and Jess in their halter tops on the cover of Bull’s Eye News..
From the Field,
Dartoid
