Dartoids World

#HR132 “Unbelievable… Incredible… Delicious… Delectable… and not to forget, delightful.”

Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Column HR132
“Unbelievable… Incredible… Delicious… Delectable… and not to forget, delightful.”

It’s not a fun time at the Casa where Toeing the Oche springs to life. The Old Dart Coach is storming around like a bear with a thorn in his paw.  He’s had a bad couple of weeks so hopefully readers will cut him a little slack.

It all began when the ODC decided to treat himself to either a Western Star Burger  from Carl’s Jr., a Whooper from Burger King or, as a last result, a Big Mac from MacDonald’s.  With a number of locations for each within easy reach of his humble abode he set off in his dashing red-convertible (aka “The Chick Mobile”) with his 65-year-old comb over flying in the wind. (Editor’s note: It’s not a complete comb over yet but is showing some improvement.) Each establishment had a special where two of their “premier” burgers were only $5 or less.

He first went to Carl’s Jr. but didn’t notice that the “Western Star – two for $5” poster was gone from the window.  A similar situation occurred last year, very early in the morning after some good cheers with people they didn’t know.  On that occasion, the ODC, with his pal R’N Roll, drove  the “Chick Mobile” top down into the drive thru saying to the little person in the metal box, “We’ll have four of the Western Stars for $10.00.”

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t have that special anymore.”

From here the story gets a little confused. When confronted with the news that the two for $5 special wasn’t on anymore the ODC “agedly cursed” at the little man in the metal box and hit the accelerator on the “Chick Mobile” which pealed rubber and roared through the drive-thru lane just as three young Hispanics males in Carl’s Jr. uniforms raced out the front door in hot pursuit.

With the $5 Western Star off the table, there was still Burger King and McDonald’s.  A drive by and around McDonald’s provided the information that their two for $5 sale was also extinct.    Then Burger King came to the rescue with the poster “Mix and Match – two for $5.” Long line at the drive thru but no problemo.

The little person in the metal box said, “Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order? ”

“Yes, I’ll have two Whoppers on the Mix and Match.”

“I’m sorry sir, but you can only have either the Fish Burger or Chicken Burger on the Mix and Match.”

Now, to the surprise of everyone, including himself, the ODC was the perfect gentleman. He said “Thank you,” pulled ahead and waited for the cars ahead of him to get their orders and move on. As he passed the cash window he was asked, “Are you sure you don’t want something, sir?” and answered with only, “Don’t push your luck.”

With the burger option off the table, the ODC then ran down the list of other treats that he might enjoy. He eliminated Caesar’s Pizza as his last trip there it was neither “Hot” nor “Ready” and the girl had trouble making change for the $4.32 check when he gave her $4.52. Next up on the list was Panda Express with “Authentic Chinese Cuisine” prepared and served by Jose, Lupe, and Rosita – although on his last trip one of the counter person’s was named Wong.  The ODC inquired, “What are you doing here?”

“Token hire.”

Wong will go far.

The ODC’s last option was the McDonald’s near his house that offers a large cup of coffee for $1.08 with two creams.

“Welcome to McDonald’s.  May I help you?”

“I’ll have the large coffee and two creams.”

“That will be $1.50 at the first window.”


“Yes sir.”

“Bet the coffee tastes better at $1.08.”

The ODC still hasn’t recovered, and he’s still on the prod.  The Prod?  That was a term the ODC’s pater use to use when someone was ornery just to be ornery.  Still not recovered from the $1.50 large coffee with two creams, his latest rant is against the use of the words “unbelievable” and “incredible.”  Anyone on Facebook is very familiar with the proud parent who posted, “My child is unbelievable. Incredibly, he’s walking and talking at four years.”

Okay, it’s a male so maybe it is “unbelievable” and “incredible.”

Preparing for this effort the ODC contacted Dave Allen, the press relations guy for the PDC.

“Dave: My mind is gone (some say it has been for years) but didn’t I read that Michael van Gerwen averaged 117 in a match?”

“Yes, they do say that your mind is gone.  Here’s a YouTube video of the finals of the German Darts Championship.”

Take 10 minutes to watch this video. Discount the mindless babble of Rod Harrington and just enjoy.

Now, for those that “que paso?” here’s what happened.  “Marblehead” Michael van Gerwen won the German Darts Championship over Gary Anderson 6-2 winning £25,000, upping his earnings for the fortnight to £110,000. During this run, he has won 39 of 40 games since  the World Championships.

Specifically, his win in Germany saw him average 117.94 as Gary Anderson averaged 103.78. In the race to six, Anderson tied it at two with an 11-darter.  van Gerwen broke it open when he tossed outs of 151 and 167 for the 4-2 lead.  Van Gerwen then went 180, 140 and 149 leaving 32. A 10-darter. It was over when van Gerwen used 12 to close the deal.

Consider that Anderson, who is known for missing doubles, never missed the outer ring while van Gerwen missed four in the opening leg and one later. It was a game for the ages with the all the superlatives on the table.

“Unbelievable… Incredible… Delicious… Delectable… and not to forget, delightful.”

The question may arise with all that has happened why the ODC hasn’t lost it and gone “ballistic?”  The answer is simple: Tuesday’s at Popeye’s where they have the $1.29 two pieces of chicken… spicy, please.

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.