Dartoids World

#HR131 Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Column HR131
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle!

How many times has someone quoted to you, “With age comes wisdom”?

“Never” is not an acceptable answer.

There may be some truth in the quotation but like everything in life a caveat should also be included.  There are some old folks that are just plumb stupid and some young folks that are spot on smart. The young folks problem is that they “over think” everything.  Most often the simple answer is the best.

Take a lady who for some reason has that feeling of emptiness. She feels that there is something missing. She searches for “meaning” in her life forever looking for answers. Dart lady Christine Pang has the answer, as she most often does.

“I have this feeling of incompleteness, maybe it’s time to go shopping!”

Ms. Pang also opined just before Christmas, “Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy Rolex, Gucci and Prada and that makes me happy.”

The Old Dart Coach’s pal David “Duck” Miller found wisdom through a 12-step program. 1976 Olympic hero Bruce Jenner? For those that missed out, Jenner was married to Ma Kardashian, famous for birthing the Kardashian girls who are “celebrities” that make porn movies, marry NBA players and have really large cabooses.  Just recently Bruce decided to “transform” into a  female.

“Duck” Miller notes, “Bruce Jenner once had his photo on boxes of Wheaties, the Breakfast of Champions.”

Some will think he’s lost his appeal as a cereal endorser. In truth it opens new doors for commercial endorsements.  First up?

“How about the face of Fruit Loops? ”

Jenner was recently involved in a serious auto accident.  Jenner was okay but a lady was killed. The good news is he wasn’t texting when the accident occurred.

We interrupt this really fun non-dart stuff with the tale of one Michael van Gerwen. He was the reigning PDC world professional champion before losing his title to Gary Anderson. In the year of our Tungsten Lord 2014, he went through the professional darting ranks like a Kardashian does NBA players. Then he went out of the World Championships and the “I told you he was a fluke” crowd came out in droves.  The drove?  A vehicle driven by a renewable energy known in ever day parlances as “BS”.

Since then, “Marble Head” Michael has won 25 of 26 games, his only loss being the UK Corals Qualifier #2 to Adrian Lewis. He annexed the Corals #1 and #3 qualifiers. In the semis of one qualifier he faced Dave Chisnell who had a 106 average in his previous match.  Against van Gerwen, Chisnell would average 108.09 over the 19 legs and score 13-T80s while checking out at a rate of 69%.  Van Gerwen would win 10-9 with an average of 110.28, which is less than a one point a dart per throw difference.  Chisnall won almost everything but the match.

Then how could Chisnell lose while basically winning all the stats?  In any match of odd numbered legs “he who goes first and holds serve will win.”  In this case, van Gerwen dropped only leg 9 but came right back in leg 10 to break Chisnell, so they were back where they started.  Bulls do matter which makes it difficult to explain why King Phil wins the bull and goes second.

Four-time Australian champion Russell Stewart might have the answer…

“When the crowd is singing “There’s only one Phil Taylor” do you think he’s up there on stage singing it in his head ?”

Reigning Kings can do that.

Van Gerwen continued to “rape and pillage” when he picked up the Unibet Master and £60,000 with a 10-6 win over Raymond van Barneveld. In that win he averaged 112.49. For the year he’s banked £80,000 and, heck, it’s not even Valentine’s Day.

The ODC’s gal pal, J’Marie Moore – daughter of the late great boxer Archie Moore – posted a reminder to guys for this Valentine’s Day. Speaking for women everywhere and most guys she wrote, “It’s better to be late than to arrive on time and ugly.”

What’s ugly is when someone is asked to name the greatest American man and lady darts player. It’s ugly for two reasons. First, someone will be left out and feelings will get hurt. Megan Trainor may have had  an mega hit with “All About That Brass” but everyone knows today “It’s About The Feelings.” Second, judging players across generations is never fair. It’s like judging the writings of Aristotle against those of the Old Dart Coach. Poor old Ari doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell.

Asked recently to do the same, the best the ODC came up with was Jerry Umberger for the men’s. There are probably 10 other men that would be equally qualified. On the ladies side it would be Sandy Reitan, Kathy Karpowich, and Kathy Mahoney. Left off the list of ladies was Stacy Bromberg.  Bad ODC.  While Stacy was just starting in the Golden Age of ladies darts, still she has performed at a high level over many years. In fact, when she started the Sahara Desert was a forest.

With three of the 13 BDO USA tournaments in the books Larry Butler holds a slim lead over Jim Widmayer to be crowned the BDO USA Region Champion. What rewards and glory that brings is a mystery but it has to be good.  Butler probably holds that lead or not because of his win at the Camilla Classic in Sacramento, the capital of California that used to be called New Helvetia.

Back in 1986, a youngster from Singapore named Harith Lim won the World Masters Youth Darts tournament.  Lim is no relation to another Singapore native and famous darts player, Paul Lim.  There are more Lims in Singapore than excuses for missing 32-out with three darts and a 200 point lead.

Now almost 30 years later, Harith is “all growed up and haired over,” to borrow a line from the movie The Rose.  He’s now a force in the world soft tip scene.  His posts show his added maturity when he writes, “Some folk’s birth certificate should be an apology letter from the condom factory.”

While wisdom may not come with age CRS – Can’t Remember Stuff – does every time.  Oz Taylor may or may not have played doubles with the ODC at one time.  That would be the Oz Taylor now from Melbourne, Australia who never fails to bring a smile to the face with his posts. His latest depicts the dangers of posting on Facebook…

“I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.”

But the ODC has learned that “without the desert the oasis would be less appealing.”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle!

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.