Dartoids World

Column #HR226 Welcome to the Three Dot Lounge

Monday, April 23, 2018
Column HR226
Welcome to the Three Dot Lounge

When the Old Dart Coach lived in California one of his favorite sports writers was Bruce Jenkins who plied his trade at the San Francisco Chronicle, lovingly called the “Comical.” Yes, and that’s before the state became El Habitantes de Republica de California.

Jenkins, the son of Frank Sinatra’s long time arranger Gordon Jenkins, on Saturday’s would take his readers to the Three Dot Lounge in writing. Three “dots” in a column indicate a change of subject. A jump shift using the “…” tool.  If Jenkins was a bridge player after his partner opened with 1 diamond he’d bid 4 hearts.  That’s the “Goren Convention,” but you knew that.

With that the ODC would like to welcome you all to The Three Dot Lounge which just added darts…

…The Old Dart Coach is much like Senator Leghorn Claghorn who will take credit for anything and everything.  Claghorn, the Rooster, pops up on all the cable news shows taking credit for the sun rising. He’s the Billy Jean King of roosters. Billy Jean humbly takes credit for everything positive for women while distancing herself from Eve chomping on the apple.

…The ODC takes pride when he influences the Professional Darts Corporation. To hear critics, the PDC neither seeks nor takes any advice or suggestions from anyone, especially dart writers from the Lost Dart Continent of North America.  Regular readers are aware that the ODC has been on a crusade for the PDC to accept “Marvelous” as Michael van Gerwen’s nickname – with no success.  Maybe he should have tried Chrome Dome.

…Stephen Bunting came into the PDC with a resume that included 2 World Masters championships and a 2014 Lakeside championship. What he didn’t bring with him was walk-on music. His first time on TV the ODC was astonished, not an easy task, with how much Bunting looked like the Family Guy’s lead character Peter Griffin.  Griffin could well be the stereotypical dart player with his attitude, temperament and intelligence. A modern day Andy Capp.

Watching the Euro Tour the ODC was thrilled to see that Bunting had found that ever necessary “walk-on music.”  Many Family Guy fans remember with little pleasure the episode where Griffin becomes obsessed with the 1963 record “Surfin’ Bird” by the Trashmen. It’s the most irritating record especially when it’s played for the 20-plus minutes of the show.  The PDC “obliviously” reads Toeing the Oche.  The resemblance of Bunting to Griffin and the power of the ODC forced Bunting and the PDC to use “Surfin Bird” as Bunting’s walk on music. You’re welcome.

…The PDC, for reasons that make no sense to anyone with an IQ of at least double digits, eliminated the walk on girls. The assumption is that the ladies got the shown the door because attractive ladies dressed to the 9’s are “offensive” to the female slugs and their eunuch mates of  England.  The walk on girls have been replaced by “…girls wearing camel toe shorts bouncing up and down jiggling their pom poms.”

…With no walk on girls when the Premier League visited Sheffield the once dominate Raymond van Barneveld not only suffered a double defeat – Daryl Gurney 7-2 and Peter Wright 7-2 – but did so with a “I would rather not be here” attitude. During his unassisted walk on John Part commented, “He looks like a patron that has lost his seat and his looking for it.”  One insider described van Barneveld as “petulant” – a word from the Latin meaning “showing sudden, impatient irritation, especially over some trifling annoyance.”

…With 9,000-plus orange clad fans jamming the Rotterdam Ahoy on night one of the PDC Dutch Tour Barney got a 7-3 win over a fading Simon Whitlock.  His Army was beside themselves.  The next night, the big match against “Marvelous” Michael van Gerwen loomed.  Van Gerwen’s homecoming was not good as he fell to Peter Wright 7-5. On the big night Barney, who appeared to be the crowd favorite, won the toss taking the first leg, breaking van Gerwen  in leg 2 then holding for a 3-nil lead.  Van Gerwen did draw level at 6 before a “wanker leg” sent him down to defeat.

…With the PDC Las Vegas visit confirmed for July 3-7 they’re sending Michael van Gerwen, Peter Wright, Rob Cross, Gary Anderson, Daryl Gurney and Gerwyn Price with 2 more players to be named at a later date. Last year, Phil Taylor was supposed to be in attendance but was struck down by a mysterious illness at the last minute.  Eight North American players will meet the PDC players in round one.  If you’re driving be aware that parking will cost you $30 a day even if you’re staying at the venue.

…Peter “Snakebite” Wright has at least one critic who doesn’t pull any punches.  “Let’s get one thing clear, I’m entitled to my opinion and let’s deal with some other facts here. Here’s a man almost 50 years old, with a huge potbelly going around dressed like a f******g idiot or a freak from a mental home or circus.” He failed to mention that Wright has an “outie” that would make the eraser on a number #9 Ticonderoga proud.

…DARTSLIVE Stage 1 returns to Las Vegas May 11-13.  They’ve moved their venue from the “almost” strip to old Las Vegas downtown. The Plaza Hotel was for years the home for the Las Vegas Open.  If you’re not in the running for the $15,000 first place money there’s lots to do as the Plaza is the heart of downtown Vegas, the gateway to the Fremont Street experience. Lots of stuff to see, reasonably priced “aiming fluid” and free parking.

…It’s a well known fact that the ODC is always up-to-date on the latest fads in style.  Recently he’s been enrolled in yoga, starting each day with yogurt but distaining Starbucks while looking for the coffer place that advertises “We’re Not Starbucks.”   He’s through a little leery of the latest fad in yoga which is called “Goat Yoga.” That’s especially true when he gets into the Downward Dog Position, particularly if his goat partner is a buck.  No way Jose.

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.