Dartoids World

Column #HR137 Even the Old Dart Coach has entered the CDC Fantasy League!

Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Column HR137
Even the Old Dart Coach has entered the CDC Fantasy League!

The Old Dart Coach wishes to issue a mea culpa, which for darters is not a new coffee at Starbucks. He came under intense pressure from many fair-minded groups for labeling his 2014 Thailand-Thailand tour “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” The NAGS (National Association of Gals), the JAJS (Jill’s Against Jerks) and other groups found his words sexist, disgusting, and not conducive to harmony in life.

What is most misunderstood is that the ODC, still in the running for the 2015 Mother Teresa Award, is doing much good in Land of Smiles. Just two mornings ago, while visiting the coffee shop in the hotel, he noticed a female employee holding a very young child.

“Is it yours?” he asked.

“No. I no have baby, but want.”

“Do you have a husband?”

“No have.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No have.”

The ODC explained that in Thailand not having a boyfriend didn’t seem to be a big problem as men there were like mosquitoes. Swat one away and another ten show up with the same breeding habits.

The young lady’s plight bothered the ODC for the rest of the day and most of the night. The next morning he queried the young lady again…

“Did you find a boyfriend?”


Remembering the Mother Teresa Award, the ODC then made the following offer…

“Maybe I can help…”

“You have son?” she asked.

While a weaker person might fold like an accordion map, the ODC and his bruised ego survived.

By far the biggest attack on his ego comes from the Professional Darts Corporation.  The ODC has been a supporter of the players since the days of the World Professional Darts Players Association, the forerunner of the PDC.  The latest affront to the ODC has been the refusal of the PDC to accept his nickname for Michael van Gerwen.

The ODC has had some success with dart nicknames. There’s WB (Dr. Linda Batten), HC (Katie Hopkins), The Duck (David Miller), The Hammer (Rick Ney), JK (John Kramer), 2K or The Splendid Splinter (Kathy Karpowich), Larry “The Bald Eagle” Butler and Jerry U (Jerry Umberger).

Sure he tired “Marblehead, “Chrome Dome,” and “Eagle Peak” but none of those names fit for van Gerwen. Lately, he has taken to writing of van Gerwen as “Marvelous” Michael van Gerwen.

The nickname “Marvelous” has a storied history in sport. One of the first times it was used was in reference to “Marvelous” Marv Thornberry, one of the players on the original New York Mets. In that case, the term was somewhat derisive. Then came boxer “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler. Was he ever. In 67 fights he won 62, lost three and had two draws. His last fight was a  loss to “Sugar” Ray Leonard. Hagler’s other two loses came against Willie “The Worm” Monroe and “Boogaloo” Bobby Watts. Heck, take away nicknamed fighters and Hagler was undefeated.

After his boxing career had ended, by his choice, he went to Italy to make spaghetti westerns and became a big star. He’s 5’7”, shaved bald, has a permanent scowl implanted on his face, and looks like a bronze Adonis. Van Gerwen is about same height, has the scowl going and the shaved bald head – but as to looking like a bronze Adonis, well, let’s just say a career in spaghetti westerns is probably not in the cards. So for the ODC, it will continue to be “Marvelous” Michael van Gerwen, no matter what the PDC says.

The ODC isn’t into Fantasy Leagues of any kind – with but one exception. He joined the “Girl of Your Dreams League” where you list 20 ladies.  If any of those ladies is a member of the “Boy of My Dreams League” there’s a match. She then shows up at your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar.  The player is then assigned to take it from there. The ODC listed Jennifer Aniston, Selma Hayek, and 18 chicks from the 80s and 90s dart world.  (Editor’s note: Any comment about chicks  becoming old hens will not be tolerated.)

He did, however, join the Championship Darts Circuit Fantasy League.  The League itself is the brainchild of one David Irete and others. The ODC calls him “David Eye Rate” because he thinks it’s funny.  Eye Rate is one of the few that has for many years put his time, efforts and money into the sport.  People that care about darts should hold him in the highest of admiration. Is this a reason to join the Fantasy League. No, but it’s FREE and FREE gets the ODC every time.

At the end of the multi-weekend tournament, there’re $500 bucks in cold cash for the winner. The first event is May 30th and 31st and dubbed the Weekend in OHIO, which sounds like the second place prize in the Guess What’s Your Name” contest.

Just go to Fantasy League Registration, pick your team, and then follow the results (which will be reported after each event at Dartoid’s World.  Good fun. The deadline for entries is the 25th.

Couple of interesting developments on the American darting scene. The American Team was named to represent the ADO in the World Masters. One of those players, Larry “The Bald Eagle” Butler, will be representing America in the upcoming PDC World Cup.  In the past, the BDO and the World Dart Federation – which are really the same, but different – have barred anyone who has appeared in PDC events from playing in their events. Has that changed? NO EYE DEAR.

The 2015 WDF World Cup will be played in Turkey on October 26-31. On October 30, qualifying for the ADO American’s Cup Team will be held at the Ghost on the Coast tournament in Myrtle Beach.  There has been some comment that, because of the timing, members of the World Cup Team, assumed to be the very best, will not be able to qualify for the America’s Cup team. Asked about the conflict, one ADO source responded with, “It’s unfortunate, but we have to protect the tournament.”

That, of course, is bologna.

Using ADO logic, it’s more important to supply 20 or 30 players for Myrtle Beach, at ADO expense, than to serve the cream of the American darting community.

The ADO raises arrogance to new heights.

You can almost hear the ADO collectively saying to the players, as Queen Marie Antoinette said to her peasants: Qu’lis mangent de la brioche. When the peasants rose in revolt, the Queen lost her head.

Could that happen with the ADO?


The ADO peasants all have “Tom Brady Disease.”

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.