Dartoids World

Column #HR130 Senator Foghorn Leghorn says…

Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Column HR130
Senator Foghorn Leghorn says…

Canadian Oil? Yes. Canadian Darts Players? NO. AH!

As a young waddler the Old Dart Coach used to spend his Saturdays at the Del Mar Theater where for 14 cents he got 14 cartoons, two serials – Lone Ranger, Hopalong Cassidy, Superman, Sky King, Tarzan, the Desert Fox – a newsreel, and a cowboy  movie. Popcorn was a nickel so for 20 cents the young boy was a millionaire.

The Desert Fox spawned neighborhood kids running around with old sheets on their heads, swinging wooden swords, using garbage can lids as shields as they dueled in the desert (and all that sans camels).

One of the ODC’s favorite cartoon character was Senator Foghorn Leghorn – an overly plump rooster that dispensed wisdom while strutting around as master of his barnyard domain.

Senator Foghorn Leghorn, according to some, was patterned after the mythical Senator Beauregard Claghorn of the Fred Allen weekly radio show.  On radio the Senator would be introduced to the audience following a knock on his door with: “Somebody, ah say, somebody knocked! Claghorn’s the name, Senator Claghorn, that is. I’m from the South. Suh.”

Senator Foghorn Leghorn might have said to a young’un: “Boy, I say Boy. You got to learn the tricks of being a male chicken. The chicks lay eggs so you got to be doing something or old Coronal Sanders goin’ come a get ya. When that sun comes up you better be a crowin’. I say make them believe that it’s your doing. Be good for your health boy.”

His dart wisdom would be: “Shu, I say Shu hit those doubles and triples and you can stop crowing at the sun.”

Darts has plenty of Senator Foghorn Leghorns dispensing wisdom which is sometimes silly – trying to solve problems that, like the sun rising, are just there. These Senator Leghorns come in the male, female and “combinations thereof” varieties (the latter especially in today’s society where laying eggs isn’t as important as it used to be).

One recently decided that the key to a rejuvenation of the generally moribund American steel point tournament scene was to stop paying so many places in events at tournaments: “I say boy what tournaments need is to stop paying down to 32 places in singles events. I say boy if you just pay the top 4 you’ll get more folks playin’ cause they can make more money.”

That makes as much sense as blaming “climate change” on cows farting in Montana.

In the introduction to Senator Foghorn Longhorn, once past telling young rosters to crow when the sun comes up, his advice was usually nonsense and usually downright stupid.  Suggesting that only paying to the top 4 in events will result in an increase in the number of players entering a tournament is a stunningly moronic idea. What may well be even more astonishing is that the person would post those thoughts for the public to see.

Old Honest Abe Lincoln said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Old Abe would have had a field day with Facebook. Today that would translate to “better to shut up than write and prove that you’re batshit crazy.”  Of course, taking that advice would turn Facebook, Twitter and most social media into a vast wasteland.

The challenge for today’s dart tournaments is not paying the “pros” more money but getting more players to enter. The purpose of tournaments in NOT to provide a living for “touring pros.”  99% of all tournaments depend upon entries for not only their prize money but all the costs of putting on the tournament.  Those top players with the “pay more” attitude must have at some point a “come to Jesus moment.”  They must face the fact that that the purpose of a dart tournament is not to  provide them a living. That “come to Jesus moment” for the “pros” may be like catching their “whatevers” in a zipper, although the pain will go away eventually.

The solution? The top 20 players in North America each get a $5,000 sponsorship. That’s $100,000 dollars. Pool the money. Then run 5 separate “01” singles tournaments with prize money of  $25,000 plus entry fees.

Senator Leghorn Foghorn had not the oration skills or the common sense of the late Lord Cromwell.  Cromwell would have said to the people that run the ADO: “ You have sat too long for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!”

The ODC ventured to the recent Las Vegas Open sharing a brew or two with old friends. He has few young friends. Maybe three. That’s  if you count the girl at Popeye’s drive thru, Rosita who serves up authentic Chinese cuisine at Panda Express and Shwanda. Ms. Shwanda works the 12-6 am shift at the Carl’s Jr. drive thru. One night after sampling a lot of golden elixir the ODC drove up in his “red chick mobile’ ordering…

“Two Famous Star’s for $5.00.”

“I’m sorry sir but we don’t  have two Famous Star’s for $5.00 dollars.”

Following a “expletive deleted” he pealed rubber leaving. If Ms. Shwanda is a forgiving person he’s got three young friends. If not make it two.

His Las Vegas Open visit lasted ’till he ran out of people to share good fellowship with as “older folk don’t have a lot of staying power.”

As the ODC was driving back to the Barrio he heard the voice of Senator Leghorn Foghorn crowing, possibly from his radio, to those from the great country of Canada: “Ay say you oche pucks stay home.”

What had raised his comb to its full heights, glowing chicken red like the neon that borders the Las Vegas Strip, was that with two major tournaments the “Oche” pucks from Canada won three of the four singles. Ms. Trish Grzesik took the ’01 singles at both the Las Vegas Open and the Rea Chesney. On the men’s side Jim Widmayer, coming off a good showing at the BDO Lakeside event, stopped off in Philly to beat Larry Butler in the finals.

Canadian Jeff Smith continued his great play that saw him make it to the semifinals of the   Lakeside earning a nifty £15,000. He lost to eventual winner Scott Mitchell. At Las Vegas he bested newly-wed  Darin Young. Cricket results? NO EYE DEAR and don’t care as Senator Foghorn Leghorn would say:“ Cricket? I say boy cricket is no game for real darts players.”

Stay thirsty my friends.



  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.