Dartoids World

Column #HR64 In the end, it was all perpadedic!

Sunday, February 5, 2012
Column HR64
In the end, it was all perpadedic!

When the Old Dart Coach was starting out in the “Ad Biz” he enjoyed making up words for use when preparing documents that would be read by the “three piece suits” on the 8th floor of D’Arcy Advertising. Most of them attended elite universities and proudly wore their college rings and their Phi Beta Kappa keys for all to see and admire. The ODC, who matriculated at the Harvard of the West, San Jose State, loved it when his made-up words would then be slipped into casual conversation. Matriculated: “to register” (which is easier and better than actually going to class).

One day his direct boss, a really good guy, finally walked into the ODC’s office to call him on a word…

“You made up the word perpadedic didn’t you?”

“Yep. Good word huh? But remember it’s all perpadedic.”

Like the pig that found himself laying in the gutter with the drunk, his boss just walked away.

There are words that enter the language every year. One of them for this year is “ineptocracy” which is harder to spell than perpadedic for the ODC. It should be noted that, as the ODC invented the word perpadedic, he couldn’t very well misspell it, could he? Ineptocracy means “a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the less capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.”

You have, with the word “ineptocracy,” a brilliant description of the American Darts Organization. Those that today are in charge at the ADO are elected by those that want to be in charge. The system is representing fewer members and providing fewer services while spending their efforts on projects that don’t mean “jack squat.” But then don’t we all have that warm feeling that there’s an ADO Youth Program? Without the ADO’s help the darting youth of tomorrow would have to learn to drink, swear and act like louts on their very own. Heck of a deal.

Las Vegas Open 2012: Howard Wins 501 Singles!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Howard won the 501 singles at the Las Vegas Open! As the ODC was making a return to tournament play, his mom called him Howard so one could make the logical jump that the ODC won the ‘01 singles. If one did make that leap one would land flat on their keister.

It was Howard Meyers that took the ‘01 singles. He’s either called the “Pample Moose” or plays for a team of that name. Pample Moose? What a wimpy name. The ODC played for years on a team originally called the “NADS.” The next season they became the “New Improved NADS.” The name? It came about to satisfy the throng of fans that loved to root for them on a weekly basis. They could be heard yelling “Go NADS! GO NADS!” Yes they did.

The ODC at the Las Vegas Open?

On October 15, 1971 the late Ricky Nelson was booked for a Rock ’n Roll Revival Show at Madison Square Garden. His initial offerings of “Hello Mary Lou” and “Traveling Man” had the overflow crowd “rock ‘n and a roll ‘n.” Nelson then tried some of his newer material which had a definite country twang. The crowd was not pleased. They booed Nelson off the stage. That event caused Nelson to write “Garden Party,” a song that revived his sagging career. With a few changes that song would best describe the ODC’s return to the “big time darting scene.”

“He went to a darting party to reminisce with his old friends,
A chance to share old memories and play some darts again,
When he got to the darting party, they all knew his name,
But no one recognized him, he didn’t look the same.”

His ego was crushed and not for the first time.

In these spaces a short time ago, the thinking process, or lack of same, of a top notch Philadelphia dart player was chronicled. In an exchange of emails, between the ODC and said logic-challenged lout, it was apparent that said dart player might not have a high enough IQ score to appear on the Jerry Springer Show. The Las Vegas Open is not actually “only” the Las Vegas Open, but in addition it carries the names of two people prominent in darts for years, now deceased. It was rumored that when alive said persons had the ability to perform “creative draws” at the tournament they ran. Also according to the rumor, these “creative draws” rewarded those that worshiped at their alter and/or possibly placed their “soup coolers on various backsides.”

Now back to the ODC and his “not long suffering” partner Mr. John Boyne. Mr. Boyne didn’t suffer long as the not even Dangerous Duo lost 2-nil in the ‘01 doubles. Now in true Paul Harvey fashion “the rest of the story.”

The ODC and Mr. Boyne in a “random draw,” oceanfront property in Phoenix also available, got to play the aforementioned “lout from Philly” and a really good guy whose judgment must be questioned. When the draw was announced said “lout” went like a rifle shot to the portable bar where he lingered for more than 10 minutes as three “real” darters waited to play. This was the very same person that wrote “I am a professional.” Yeah, and Roseanne Barr can sing the National Anthem. When he did show up he spoke nary a word to three people he kept waiting because he’s a “professional.” Now if you believe that this was a “random” draw then you also believe that the stain on Monica’s blue dress came from eating Yoplait while on her diet.

Lest the “Lout from Philly” think stalling two dangerous opponents was his invention, the late Danny Pucillo wrote the book on it. Once at a tournament in Northern California Danny got called in the singles against a local opponent. He shot like a laser to the restroom where he proceeded to remove his glasses, wash his face a couple of times, and then use many paper towels to dry. As he was doing this, unbeknownst to Danny, his local opponent came into the restroom. Standing next to Danny the “local” then “accidentally” knocked Danny’s glasses off the counter and “accidentally” found his foot on the glasses. Fumbling around, Pucillo found the broken glasses on the floor.

“He broke my glasses!”

“Who was it?”

“How the hell do I know, I didn’t have my glasses on.”

The ODC did learn that former world class player John Kramer, called JK, had been lied to or at the least misled. After his first and only round match in the draw double Kramer came back to the round table. The table could have been confused with the old Algonquin Round Table of the 1920s as it was packed with wise and witty people.

“How’d you do?”

“What the hell is going on? I was playing and then they told me I had to hit a double. I get almost done and then they tell me about the F ’ng stupid double. Why didn’t they tell

Kramer also explained that wife, Anne, has an objection to him surfing the internet for midget porn.

“Are you the worst dart player here?” the ODC was asked.

“Not even close. The four guys that lost to JK in the cricket singles had to be the worst. If I had thought I’d draw them I’d have played the singles.”

One of the really good players was asked by his wife:

“Why did you miss that double?”

“Because I felt like it. I wanted too.” Wife gone from the hall.

In the end the ODC had a great time. Like the late Ricky Nelson he ended the weekend with the closing words from Garden Party. “You see, you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.”

Good advice but if you’re playing doubles you better please your partner or you’ll be playing doubles alone as the ODC’s partner did at the Las Vegas Open. In the end it was all perpadedic.

As the second most popular man in the world says, “Stay thirsty my friends.”


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.