Dartoids World

Column #HR120 If you don’t like our culture, our rules, our laws, then f**k off!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Column HR120
If you don’t like our culture, our rules, our laws, then f**k off!

The Old Dart Coach is easily led astray…

Some have commented that he “has the attention span of a goldfish.”  It’s generally believed that a goldfish has a memory and attention span of three seconds.  Not true.  According to a study by the University of Plymouth the attention span and memory of a Goldfish is three months.  Years ago, this “three second myth” would have been called an “old wives’ tale” but that description is out these days as a popular web site has co-opted the name.

This said, they (the goldfish) do tend to get bored easily. That’s the ODC.

Most recently, he’s become bored with Facebook and the many “dart discussion groups.”  The latter joins the list he‘s bitching and moaning about.  The list?  Folks that post what they had for breakfast, how much they love the person they just beat 3-0, or their deep love for some departed relative they hadn’t seen or spoken to in 30 years.  Enough already.  Can it.

The dart discussions groups  are well meant and serious but mostly it’s “been there, done that and couldn’t find a souvenir t-shirt.”  The ODC recently got interested when his name appeared in a “discussion group.”  He’s never short on ego – which should come as no surprise to anyone – so he posted.  A post  had made the connection between boxing’s decline and the “supposed” decline of darts.  A gentleman wanted to know what Howie Reed through of the comparison.  Reed’s a self-proclaimed expert on the sweet science.  The ODC gave a weak answer forgetting some basic facts.

At one time American fighters dominated boxing.  It was one of the three major sports that dominated America at the time: baseball and horse racing being the others.  Now only baseball remains as a “top” sport and that up for question.  In the case of boxing American boxers no longer dominate the sport – it’s for the most part no longer competitive and sports fans have moved on.  The main differences for darts is that American darters never had world domination nor was darts ever a “popular” sport.  In addition, while many decry the “apparent” decline in darts there are probably more players now than 10 years ago.  The decline has been in steel point and their tournaments while machine darts is accelerating forward at “hubba hubba” speed.

Steve Panuncialman has a show called Dart Talk.  He recently described  Larry Butler as

“flying all over the world and he can’t win.”  Panuncialman also put forth the premise that “he (Butler) turned down a chance to represent America in International play but (is) choosing to play overseas for ‘himself’.  He played darts in France and Japan for himself.”  One must discount Panuncialman as an ignoramus for the simple reasons that 1) no one with any dart knowledge is unaware that Butler has been one of the best in North America for years and 2) never, not ever, would he ever fail to represent America as (any true Patriot would).

Now, in true Paul Harvey fashion is “the rest of the story.”  Butler was  in France and Japan because those events  immediately followed a “commitment” to represent America in the World Cup.  Also his sponsor is in Japan.  It’s always a good time to “kiss” up to sponsors.  Maybe Panuncialman was talking about Butler not playing in the BDO World Championships at Lakeside.

Butler explains, “That point system is also based mostly on attendance rather than accomplishment for the top 32 and nothing after that.  It was based on 12 events here.  I missed the first three events from last year, and I still won the point race, but they refused to give me points for my first of five wins out of six finals this year.  This is the 5th Lakeside world championship that I have earned in my dart career, I have been denied four of them.  Three of those denials happened before the WDC/PDC split.  Tom Fleetwood told me it was Olly Croft’s decision and Olly told me it was Tom’s decision.”

A case of “don’t worry pal I got your back.”

The guys of the PDC have taken their show on the road with events in Singapore, Australia and Europe.  Don’t be silly, of course the guys from the PDC emerged triumphant.  Phil “Washed Up” Taylor won both the Aussie events, Michael van Gerwen won in Singapore, and Mervyn King took the event in Europe.  Taylor’s play may have been overshadowed with some recent news…

Last year  Phil “The Power” Taylor left his long time sponsor Unicorn for Target Darts and a contract believed to be worth $5 million.  Well, now he’s suing Unicorn over the term “Power” claiming they infringed on his trademark.  The ODC knows how Unicorn feels as he was once in that box.  Being sued by a jerk.  A darter has taken to Facebook on this issue…

“When Taylor dumped his nearly two decades-long sponsor, Unicorn (which stood by him after his conviction for fondling a couple of girls), for a five-year, £3 million (almost $5 million) deal with Target he said, “It’s not all about money… and compared the switch to changing mobile phone contracts.  Bullshit.  For its part Unicorn ‘wished Phil well.’”  That was class and the antithesis of Taylor (and Target’s Garry Plummer).”

Taylor is getting bad advice but what’s worse he’s taking it.  When will the PDC finally tell Taylor “You’re riding the pine for a while.”  That means he’s benched.  He cheated on stage, was a right pratt to a fellow competitor (Barney), might have grabbed a walk-on girl, but worst of all he says after every win, “I’m over the Moon.”  Taylor is in for a rude awaking when the PDC realize they don’t need Philip Douglas Taylor anymore.  He is so yesterday.  Wanker.

The ODC does like one thing about Facebook – that the Sage of Sittingbourne, Dave Whitcombe, and the way he dispenses wisdom with the ease of a “Kardashian finding a NBA boyfriend.”  The Sage accurately depicts a large number dart players.  “If there is any Theatrical Agents out there wanting actors for pantomime or anything, please get in touch with me because there are plenty of Drama Queens in darts.”

The Sage lives in the Motha Country but his latest could have been written for the good old USA.  “Why can’t we be like Australia and have a no tolerance ruling” which would translate something like, “If you don’t like our culture, our rules, our laws, then f**k off!”  Simple.

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.