Dartoids World

Column #HR86 A subtle bit of this and a not so subtle bit of that

Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Column HR86
A subtle bit of this and a not so subtle bit of that

It’s dangerous to use subtle humor. A pie in the face, slipping on a banana peel or a hammer on thumb always guarantee a robust laugh. Subtle humor? Yawns. The ODC’s appointment with a “sports medicine” doctor proves the point. He qualified as a sportsman by doing “12-ounce curls.” Approaching the “health care receptionist” he noticed a sign above her head…

“Be aware the floor is being observed on video.”

“Excuse me but why is the floor being observed? Has it been misbehaving? I checked it out. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything special. Did I come at a bad time?”

The ODC got the “brook trout look.” Eyes open but “no comprende.”

Upon examination by a highly skilled and trained “medical sports doctor” the ODC learned that “You probably have rotator cup damage that might require surgery.”

“Does that mean I won’t be able to report for spring training with the pitchers and catchers?”

There’s that brook trout look again. Some kind of sports medicine guy.

Valentine’s Day brought round two of the “new” and “improved” Premier League. This year’s field expanded to 10 players playing the first to 7 legs. Also this year after one full round the bottom two players get jettisoned.

A positive with the PDC has been their desire to see things as they could be rather than what they are. They don’t fear change. Too long darts “went along to get along” while protecting those whose minds were in neutral. The ODC once famously – or infamously – remarked to a highly placed official of the WDF, “You haven’t had an original idea since I quit talking to you.”

After trying a few events in the USA the PDC folded their tent (the rumor is they may return next year). Before they packed it in, the Motha Country’s events on this side of the pond were “uniquely” structured in an apparent attempt to recoup some of the money they lost when we tossed the tea in the harbor. Didn’t work. North America was too smart.

Now comes the four-weekend Scandinavian Tour run by the Scandinavian Darts Corporation which sounds strangely like the Professional Darts Corporation. The initial weekend had 74 and 69 players over the two days with a €5,000 purse each day. That’s €10,000 with income of maybe €14,300. Nice start. Could North America come up with those numbers with a $150 entry fee each day? Not a chance. Many would sneak off to a $200 punkin’ rollin’ with an excuse that would make “the dog ate my homework” seem legitimate.

The New World Dart Series (NWDS) is attempting to provide tournaments that would prepare players should the PDC return. During the ODC’s highly paid video interview for the NWDS he was axed about the format. His opinion? “Great there’s no “f’in’ cricket.” Any 01 format is fine. Cricket penalizes American players the way T-ball penalizes little leaguers. Get rid of cricket. Play only 01.

Some time ago the ODC was helping a fair darting damsel celebrate her birthday. Which birthday? That would be on a need to know basis. After a full lunch, both solid and liquid, they traveled to the King George, a local dart bar. Also stopping in for a few afternoon thirst quenchers were a goodly number of cadets from the California Maritime Academy dressed in their summer whites.

With dartboards at the ready, after a few practice throws the ODC and said damsel were up for a game. As said damsel went to the board to retrieve her last three darts she asked the ODC, “Do you want to play 01 or cricket?”

Before the ODC could reply with his usual answer the quick witted lass answered her own question, “I know you’d rather have sex with a man than play cricket.” After a slight pause for effect and with all eyes on her she added, ”Of course so would I.”

Do beer stains come out of summer dress whites?

The McCoy’s Premier League standings after visits to Dublin and Aberdeen are about what you’d expect. Barney leads with two wins and 4 points. That’s one point ahead of Taylor and newcomer Robert Thornton who both have a win and a draw. No surprise that Wes Newton is winless as a “rookie” – it takes awhile to become acclimated to the routine. Also no surprise is that two time world champion Adrian Lewis is also winless, floundering at the bottom of the table. Prior to the first night of Premier League play Lewis said…

“Playing the World Cup was great for me. We had plenty of games during the weekend and that was good for my game.”

“Yo Adrian, you sucked during the World Cup and the first two nights of Premier League – losing to Simon Whitlock and Taylor by 7-3 scores. Earth to Lewis.”

As Comedian Ron White might say, “There’s a lot of quit in that big ole boy.”

Please excuse the outburst by the ODC. He’s always loquacious after doing a favor for a friend especially when it involves liquid. The friend left a bottle of red wine in his fridge. Fearing that the wine might turn to vinegar or even worse, water – it could happen, the ODC drank it.

Lewis isn’t really all that bad after only two weeks. Against Whitlock he leveled at 2. He then missed a 120-finish as Whitlock took the leg. Then Whitlock killed 121 with the bull to go two up. Lewis got it to 4-3 but then missed 10 doubles for the 7-3 loss. Level with Taylor at 3 Lewis got taken to the woodshed 7-3. There may be something to that red wine deal.

During the ODC’s first trip to England he was surprised to learn that not all Brits were as cleverly subtle with their wit as Winston Churchill – who in his own way was the master of subtlety. His encounters with his arch enemy Lady Astor were historic. Once after a rather long winded speech, where Churchill sipped liquid for dry throat, Lady Astor confronted him…

“Winston you’re drunk.”

“Lady Astor you’re ugly.”

“Winston you’re drunk.”

“But I shall be sober in the morning and you…”

On another occasion Lady Astor informed Churchill…

“Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”

“Madame if I were your husband… I’d drink it.”

While watching the Premier League therefore the ODC was shocked to hear the match announcer say…

“It’s Aberdeen… it’s Valentine’s Day. Here are the three words everyone wants to hear… It’s Premier League Darts.”

If that gets the job done many men wasted a lot of money on cards, flowers and chocolates.

One not known for his subtlety is Mr. David Brook of the Island Lager Sports Bureau. What isn’t well known is that Mr. Brook is the agent of record for the ODC. Feverishly searching for fame and fortune, the ODC hounds Mr. Brook with phone calls, emails and Facebook pleas about the future.

“Have we got a book deal?”

“Do we have a radio deal?”

“How about TV?”

The answer is always the same, “Not yet.”

Of course it’s difficult to sell a kindergarten kid’s finger painting as a Rembrandt.

So to Mr. David “Not Yet” Brook, “Happy Birthday – and stay thirsty my friend.”


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.