Dartoids World

Column #HR12 Musings from the Padded Cell…

Saturday, July 10, 2010
Column HR12
Musings from the Padded Cell…

The Old Dart Coach has been locked in a padded room for his own protection. It was a move taken to protect not only the ODC but those around him from injury. The trigger to his unexplained behavior is believed to be the PDC players’ proclivity to hug after a match while whispering “sweet nothings” in each other’s ear. The ODC claims that everytime this occurs he hears Brenda Lee singing her baby heart out with “My baby whispers in my ear… sweet nothings.”

“What the Sam Hill is going on?” he asked using much more colourful language. “This is not the blind draw doubles at Bruce’s Dance and Darting Palace in the City by the Bay. No, this is the “PROFESSIONAL” Darts Corporation, not the word’s oldest profession.

The only professional sports where they hug have the word’s “Lady’s”or “Women’s” preceeding them. This isn’t “eharmony.com” or “it’s just lunch” for goodness sakes. It’s a professional sport where the other guy is trying to take food from your plate and clothes off your children’s backs but, more importantly, lager from your frosted pint mug.

Act like this sports means something! Players’ President Peter Manily, when playing at the Sydney Arms under the tutelage of Roger Nickson, would have reacted like a mother bear protcting her cub if someone tried to hug him. It would be easier taking a thorn from a tiger’s paw (which is how I met my ex-wife). “Man up!”

He does have a point. Can you imagine back in the day Eric Bristow giving John Lowe a big hug and then whispering sweet nothings in his ear? Imagnine Big Cliff Lazeranko dancing around the floor with the “Wee One” Jocky Wilson wrapped in his arms to the tune of “Waltzing Matilda” after a victory. Odds are good that Wilson would have done a Tyson on Cliff. He would have dined on “Buffet de Lazeranko.”

The rant continued: “The picture of Ricky Nye picking up John Kramer in a bear hug would have led to Kramer landing three darts between the shoulder blades of the ‘Hammer’ while holding a beverage in the other hand.”

Would any players hug Tony Payne after a victory? Shirley you jest!

Picture this: the Brisdane Old Town Hall where the Yanks have just opened a can of “WP” on England in the World Cup team event 9-0. Would John Kramer have run up to hug Eric Bristow after suggesting prior to the match that he perform an act that is near impossible for two hours? I think not.

Before he was locked away the ODC suggested that maybe the players might like to go back to a hand shake with the fake smile and gritted teeth. The ODC will remain under observation until either his Miller Genuine runs out or the start of college football season. With only 12 cases of the “golden liquid” and college football season scheduled to start in September he’ll be out way before the opening game.

Good news for PDC touring pros with the increase of prize money for 2011. Each event will now have a total prize fund of £35,000,an increase of £3,500. Even bigger news is the implementation of the PDC Tour card program. An idea borrowed from golf but what the heck, if someone has a good idea… take it as your own. The top 96 in the Order of Merit will receive Tour Cards and be joined throughout the year by eight special tour cards and 16 from the Qualifying School. “Q-School?” Yep. The Q-School will be held over four days in January at the Robin Park Tennis Center in Wigan with an entry fee £400. Semi finalists each day will get tour cards and retire to the sidelines. What does a Tour Card provide? Automatic entry into Players Championships in the UK. No tour card and you’ll have to go through pre-play qualifying. Them PDC guys are getting cereal.

Some serious loot, in pounds, up for grabs when the Stan James World Matchplay kicks off a nine day run next Saturday, July 17, at the Empress Ballroom of the Winter Gardens in Blackpool. Note to reader: Blackpool is called the “poor man’s Las Vegas.” By who? Why “Rocket” Ronnie Baxter – who lives there so should have a home field advantage, for whatever that’s worth. A couple of well timed doubles would probably be more help. Entry is limited to the top 32 and with £100,000 going to the winner. This is big time important. Must be important because Sky Sports will televise in 3-D. “That ought to bring wood!” shouted the ODC from seclusion. Phil Taylor has won this event 11 times with the odds of a 12th right there for the taking. The event starts off best of 19, then best of 25, then best of 31 with a final best of 33. More legs equals more TV time equals more “Adverts” which provides more revenue. Clever folks them Brits. Little spice added on July 24th when America’s Stacy Bromberg will play Tricia Wright in the first PDC Unicorn Women’s World Championship.

The ODC has slipped a crayon scribbled note out of his padded cell. He makes Phil Taylor the favorite but picks Simon Whitlock as the “best chance to upset.” “Whitlock is in form and he draws away from Taylor until at least until the semi final.” He also picks Denis Ovens (against Barney) and Vincent van der Voort (Dennis Priestly) as first round upset winners. The note concludes with “send in more Miller Genuine and 3-D glass’s.

The Old Dart Coach


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.