Dartoids World

Column #HR165 The FINAL WORD on darts shirts, patches, and more…

Thursday, April 21, 2016
Column HR165
The FINAL WORD on darts shirts, patches, and more…

It has always been the modus operandi of the Old Dart Coach to take a firm neutral stand in hopes that he’ll be loved and cherished by one and all. That statement was made considering the post from Joy of Alaska, ”You cannot make everyone happy. You are not a bottle of wine.”

That aside, there are tough issues in the sport of darts today on which a self-appointed spokesman for the “peeps” must take a stand. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart (and other organs), loads of trepidation and oodles of  misgivings that the ODC comes out in full support of fancy dart shirts, sponsorship patches (whether real or imagined), flags, pins and stylist costume jewelry.

This position should not surprise those who have known the ODC from his first dart ’till his last. That first brass dart with feather flights saw most dart players at all levels dressed like bums (with apologies to bums everywhere). They wore torn dirty jeans, old raggedy-ass t-shirts, and needed an introduction to the concept of showers, haircuts and breath mints. That’s the males. The ladies were always the opposite, representing the sport in the best possible light. They led by example. Now, too many of them lead by spouting “bumper strip slogans” to appear smart.

Speaking of which, will the ADO now “un sanction” tournaments in North Carolina and Mississippi due to the newly passed bathroom laws? Will men, women and others boycott as Bruce Springsteen and Cyndi Lauper  have? As one lady darter said, “I support women darter’s and LGBT rights.” One of the rights seems to be to utilize the bathroom of your choice to “do your business” to which the States of North Carolina and Mississippi have said, “Nope.” You’re either a sitter or a pointer.

Former 10-year major league baseball player Duke Sims notes, “States are rushing to pass bathroom laws to protect themselves from Bruce Springsteen music.”

The ODC grew up in the organized sports of baseball, football and rodeo. Each sport, especially in high school and college, had a specific code of dress. In rodeo, wearing a long sleeve shirt, boots and cowboy hat were part of gaining professional status for the sport. When he entered darts the attire was disgraceful.

The ODC also owned – by a figure of 60 – more dart shirts than wins. Wins? At every level. 90% of those wins came thanks to playing with good doubles partners. If it makes you happy, remember that you represent any name on your back, patch or flag you wear. Too late, the ODC realized he could have made big bucks by putting someone else’s name – like John Lowe or Eric Bristow – on his back, then taken cash to switch back to his own shirt.

Once, wearing a San Jose State football t-Shirt the ODC was stopped leaving breakfast in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and was  asked…

“Did you play football at San Jose State?”

When he answered “yes” the next question was “What’s your name?”

While not very smart, the ODC can be quick on his feet so used the name of a fraternity brother, “Jon Colombero.”

“Yes, I remember you. Fullback and really fast. “Jaguar” Jon Colombero. Gained a little weight haven’t you Jon?”

Flak Jackets and Self Interest

The ODC recently took some flak airing the quotes of  David Fatum and Greg Evans on the subject of dart shirts and patches. One reader loaded up and let fly (expletives deleted), “There is NOTHING about him that is NOT SELF-SERVING and positive for darts.”

What was written was, “Both men are honest to a fault, never shy about voicing their opinions.”

Everyone who speaks has self-interest except for Bernie Sanders. The ODC was wearing a flak-jacket and could give a “Sweet Fanny Adams”.

Heard from a “real” throwback dart player. “Just returned from ADO Event – I had a great weekend with zero finishes. I would like to thank my family for all their support, my job for not firing me yet, GOD and my sponsors, Burger King, Domino’s Pizza and some dart company for providing my dart flights. Without my dart flight sponsorships I could never have achieved what I didn’t achieve.”  Here Ye, Here Ye!

Speaking of Salads 

Last year this time, the ODC went on a search for the best Greek Salad in Thailand and the Philippines. This year, it was a Chef’s Salad. After considerable research and about five pounds, the contest ended in a draw between Bay Breeze Hotel in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and the Phoenix Hotel in Angeles City, Philippines. Both salads contain (in addition to lettuce greens) tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, black olives, both American and Cheddar cheese, ham, bacon, grilled chicken and beef. Whoa baby!

And Ties… 

Speaking of ties, when is the PDC going to eliminate tie matches in the Premier League? This is a professional sport so a count back to determine a winner is stupid. Get a winner. Play best of 13 period, full stop. If someone wins 7-0 so be it. Playing for the tie is no different than showering with your clothes on or a blind man watching video porn with the sound off.  No one gives a Ratchasimasaurus Rear about a tie.

Michael Smith recently needed a tie for a chance of making the cut to the next phase of the Premier League. He was playing the League’s current top of the table, Phil Taylor. Taylor was one leg up looking at two-dart out. Smith needed 152 – and got to 32 with 20, bull, bull. “Take that Phil Taylor.”

Taylor missed and Smith got  the leg but, alas, the Cinderella Slipper didn’t fit. Smith out.

Eggs Benedict

Having breakfast  at the Phoenix Hotel, Angeles City, Philippines the ODC decided to order something he hadn’t had in many moons. Eggs Benedict. The order came with one egg, on top of a slice of Canadian bacon on a English muffin accompanied by a gravy boat with Hollandaise sauce. As he was one of only two customers at the bar he decided to have a “bit of a go” with the very nice serving person, who was also the manager.

“Could you bring me the menu? What does it say here?” he asked, pointing to the first item on the breakfast menu.

“Eggs Benedict, Sir.”

“How many eggs do you see on my plate?”

“One, Sir.”

“Then shouldn’t it say, EGG Benedict?”

“No, Sir. The other eggs are in the Hollandaise sauce.”

That shut up the ODC.

Later, an old drunk came in muttering about something as old drunks will do. As the ODC was finishing his EGG Benedict he heard…

“If Trump is elected President I’ll kill myself.”

Always being helpful, the ODC handed him the steak knife that came with the EGG Benedict.

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.

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