Dartoids World

HR#134 Paul Lim succeeds where Ponce de León failed!

Monday, March 30, 2015
Column HR134
Paul Lim succeeds where Ponce de León failed!

“EUREKA!” screamed the Old Dart Coach, which startled the other diners at the Kitchen on Pattaya Beach’s Second Road.  His search for the ultimate Greek salad – to rival that found at Harrods’s famed food court in trendy London – had ended.  Harrods’s discontinued the item after research proved they sold only one per year and that to a Yank from Northern California.  The salad itself was a combination of crisp fresh greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, Kalamata olives, and Feta cheese seasoned by a zesty Greek dressing.  Oh yes, it was served with crusty bread used to sop up unused dressing, and with a little added olive oil.

Then there’s Juan Ponce de León, who probably didn’t yell “Eureka” when he landed in what he thought was Florida in 1493.  He could have possibly axed “ Dónde Taco Bell?”  Actually, he landed in Puerto Rico, which is almost “same-same.”  Old Ponce was looking for the Fountain of Youth in Florida where today millions of New Yorkers are doing the same thing.  He didn’t find it because he died at 47.

Leong Hwa not only found the Fountain of Youth, he’s capitalizing on its many values, one of which is teaching some young tungsten snappers a little about the game of darts.  Some may claim that he’s been around since the Oche Brother’s Brewing Company donated one of their empty beer cases to use as a toe line in a game of “throw Little Arrows.”  The truth is that Paul Lim first came to international prominence by winning the initial Pacific Cup Singles (1980), a title he would win twice more.  Internationally, he’s played for his home country Singapore, as well as Papua New Guinea and America.

Like a bank robber, he goes where the money is, which as everyone with half a brain knows is machine darts – as steel darts, except in Europe, are deader than Kelsey’s reproductive organ.  Just last week, Paul hit the mother lode when he annexed the DARTSLIVE Grand Championship, which may be called something else as secret negations between Iran and America are easier to obtain than information from DARTSLIVE.

Paul started his run to the $85,000 first place check with a convincing 3-0 win over sometimes doubles partner Scott Kirchner of  America.  He then dived bombed a pair of players from the Rising Sun – that’s Japan for you that are politically correct – Takehiro “Ride My” Suzuki (3-1) and Shumpei Noge (3-1).  In the final, Paul would face the “Croatian Crusher” Boris Krčmar in the race to 4.

With the score tied at two, Lim threw the perfect 14-dart game of 701 to go ahead 3-2 in the race to best of seven.  The 6th leg would be cricket which we all know is to darts as rounders is to baseball.  Boris, going first, opened with three 20s.  Lim more than answered with T19, T20 to close, and T18.  Here the game gets a little hazy but Boris scored some points.  Lim’s next trip yielded T17, T16, T15.  Perfect so far.  It continued with Lim going T18 to score, then three bulls.  He closed the deal with T17 for the win.

(Editor’s Note: The above is a re-creation of the final leg.  If it’s wrong blame DARTSLIVE.)

Pressure on and then – back to back perfect games.  “How about them apples?”  Heck, old Ponce only got to be Governor of Puerto Rico while Paul Lim gets to be Grand Campion and makes $85,000.  Guess we know who really found the Fountain of Youth.  Unlike steel players stuck in the past, the ODC found Lim’s recent achievement remarkable.

He shared his view with the former Swedish international darts player, Mr. Stefan Lord while dining at the Two Lions restaurant in Pattaya.  The ODC likes the Two Lions – a Swedish restaurant – because he thinks they have the best wiener schnitzel outside of Austria where it’s their national dish, and he’s never been.  Now the term itself “wiener schnitzel” means “Viennese schnitzel” in German.

He shared his view on Lim but not before a discussion broke out about what was authentic wiener schnitzel.  Swedish Danny – there was a gaggle of them – pointed out that in Austria it is made with veal but the German version is pork.  The ODC politely pointed out that in America we call that Breaded Veal Cutlet or made with beef, Chicken Fried Steak.  Like those reading this column, no one seemed to care.

“Paul Lim’s game was outstanding, maybe as good as his 9-darter in the BDO World Championships?”

The statement was met with more “expletive deleted” than after a missed 6-inch putt.

“Rubbish.  Whoever wins the bull wins the game.  All you do is throw bulls.”

At this point, the ODC was going to interject that Lim obviously didn’t win the bull in that final leg.  But having already told his Swedish friends that America didn’t use the metric system like the rest of  the world because “We don’t give a **** what they think” he reserved the right to remain silent.

“Any of the top 500 players in the PDC could have gone to that tournament and won.”

As the ODC had 25% of the action of said Swede’s Pick 7 ticket on the harness racing live from Sweden, and the first two winners were in, he remained quiet.  After the ODC departed his horses failed to win another race.  By not wining that Pick 7 the ODC would like to make the following two statements:

First, the former Swedish international player is “FOS” as, while not as challenging as steel darts, the machine game does take its own set of skills.  Maybe Phil Taylor, Michael van Gerwen and a couple of others could compete at a high level, but win every tournament?  Nope.  That’s especially true when you factor in the “choke” factor.

Second, while the Austrian “veal” wiener schnitzel may be their national dish the ODC will take a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, homemade biscuits, and country gravy every time.

Also back from the past are the ever popular chicken jokes.

“Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?”

“If it had four it would be a sedan.”

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.