Dartoids World

Column #HR182 Poofs, paedos, and the unfair treatment of a world champion…

Friday, December 2, 2016
Column HR182
Poofs, paedos, and the unfair treatment of a world champion…

Yep, the Old Dart Coach has survived Thanksgiving. Those who read his highly acclaimed book, One Night While Drinking with The Fat Swede, might remember he suffered a back injury while indulging in the consumption of golden elixir at the Irish Times in Patong Beach with Mr. David Brook, formerly of the UK and now residing in Thailand. One would think that the ODC, even with his fading mind, would remember history.

The day after Thanksgiving while enjoying some libations with Mr. Phil Jones, formerly of the UK but now of Las Vegas, Nevada, the ODC received a similar injury. Being the fighter he is, he’s playing through pain to supervise this column. Due to circumstances beyond his control, Toeing the Oche missed a couple of publication dates. In the fashion of people today, “It was the boss’ fault.” Always blame someone else.

With Thanksgiving gone the ODC wants to send a belated shout out to the darters of Canada. Young Zipper Snappers won’t remember when the ODC was “persona non grata” in the USA, having run afoul of the darting ruling elite. The ODC was toast. Along came a gentleman named Ed Oliver from Canada. He rode to the rescue, allowing the ODC to do whatever it was that he did in the great North. The ODC will be forever grateful to Ed Oliver.

In 1982, the ODC met his first dart playing “Oche Pucks” (as Canadian darters are called) at a lobby bar in a Vancouver hotel just a day prior to the Pacific Cup. He shared beverages with Tony Holyoake, his wife Sue, and Greg aka “Trigger” (the man not Roy Rogers’ horse). The ODC recently shared beverages with “Big” Tony on the occasion of his 70th birthday.

That meeting (and Mr. Oliver) set the scene for the ODC’s love affair with Canada. He learned the words to “Oh Canada,” discovered that their Thanksgiving was in October, and began to say “A BOOT” rather than “about,” while learning to inject “EH?” to the end of most sentences. Thanks “OH Canada.”

Let there be no mistake, “Marvelous” Michael van Gerwen is the greatest dart player of the era,” typed Mr. Oblivious. In this year alone, van Gerwen has won five television evens on the trot while baking £1,500,000 on the Order of Merit. That’s $1,867,146 and a meaningless 61 cents.

During van Gerwen’s run he’s gone through the opposition like “corn through seagull.” If you’re not familiar with the effect that corn has on a seagull it’s called the “Don’t look up Edith” effect..

It would be unfair and inaccurate to compare van Gerwen with greats of the past like Bristow, Lowe, Wilson, and Anderson. That comparison would be like equating a watermelon to a gecko. You’ll never see a watermelon in an insurance TV commercial. van Gerwen still has to survive the test of time which poses its own challenges. Once you’re in the darting penthouse it takes a dedicated person to remember where they came from and where they can return in the wink of a missed double. Let’s see where van Gerwen is five years from now.

The ODC was never a big pal of Eric Bristow. During the “Lowe-Bristow” era you were either in one camp or the other. For many reasons, the ODC was in the Lowe camp. Later, the ODC became a big Bristow fan – as he is a breath of fresh air when in the PDC-Sky commentary booth. That and few beverages at the Rivera bar many years ago.

Now Bristow has been sacked by Sky Sports for remarks he made on Twitter. He tweeted, Me and Santa got sacked for Christmas. The wrath of the darts world, past and present, has landed on him like Rosie O’Donnell on a Shetland pony.

Bristow’s comments were directed at the 20 plus soccer players who have come forward saying they were sexually abused when young by football coaches. One printed story states, “The victims have been praised for their courage and bravery in speaking out, although Bristow didn’t share the same sentiments.”

Not true. What Bristow tweeted was, Darts players are tough guys, footballers wimps. He added, I bet the rugby boys are ok ha ha. Hmmm. He said nothing that would disparage the victims. One could, in general, call soccer players “wimps,” especially when you see then fall to the ground when confronted with even the hint of contact – writhing on the ground in death throws only to magically heal in moments.

Might be a looney but if some football coach was touching me when I was a kid, as I got older I would have went back and sorted that poof out.

The firestorm seems to be centered in his use of the word “poof.” “Poof” is the English slang word for “gay.” Bristow later corrected his tweet, Sorry meant paedo not poof.

David “The Duck” Miller, as he has want to do, cut to the chase. “All he (Bristow) said was if he were abused when he was a kid he would go back after he was grown and kick some ass.”

Bristow then nails today’s media. Everybody that works on TV is frightened to say the truth because they are frightened to lose their job, life shouldn’t be like that. Of his firing Sky Sports issued the following “weenie” statement, “He was a contributor to our darts coverage in the past but we will not be using him in the future.”

Eric Bristow is a man who speaks his mind. He did. Any employer should have the right to terminate an employee if they violate their employment contract. Does Bristow file a false terminations lawsuit? We do seem to be living in an age where someone is often fired for speaking out. Bristow’s comments would fall under the heading of “politically incorrect,” which is the second worst crime know to man, woman or “other described persons.”

In 1862, The Christian Recorder, a publication of the African Methodist Episcopal Church, presented what it called an “old adage”…

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

The Bristow “incident” is just another case were maybe, just maybe, a move to the past would advisable. It’s becoming increasingly clear that too many people are to ready to nuance any statement into their own personal views. Stop it.

For years, whenever possible the ODC has tried to pay Canada back for the life jacket they tossed him those many years ago. Therefore, he would like to issue a warning to the good citizens of Canada that trouble is on the way…

As a result of the recent election in the USA the following people have said they will leave America for Canada: Jon Stewart, Chelsea Handler, Rosie O’Donnell, Miley Cyrus, Neve Campbell, Lena Dunghill, Cher, Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, Babs Streisand, Amy “Dump Truck” Schumer, Samuel L. Jackson, George Lopez, Whoopi Goldberg, and Actor Bryan Cranston.

America is getting better.

Good luck and “OH Canada.”

Stay thirsty my friends.




  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.