Dartoids World

Column #HR60 Stay thirsty my friends and thanks!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Column HR60
Stay thirsty my friends and thanks!

Anyone with a scintilla of an education (a GED works here) knows that the phrase “Go West Young Man” was coined by Horace Greeley. Its genesis is attributed to an 1865 New York Times editorial encouraging young men to move west to take advantage of the Homestead Act. Greeley denied that he gave the advice and “spent the rest of his life vigorously protesting” the attribution. He did admit to writing (in that 1865 New York Times editorial) that “Washington is not a place to live in. The rents are high, the food is bad, the dust is disgusting and the morals are deplorable. Go West, young man, go West and grow up with the country.” Some things never change…

What has changed is that if Greeley were alive today and giving advice to dart players he might say “Go East, dart man.” Probably after he said it he’d deny it but then this ain’t the New York Times and he ain’t alive. The ODC, who has raised borrowing (which some call stealing) to an art form, will claim credit. In this case it’s modified to “Go East, dart man, go East – and make some money.”

At a recently concluded “toy dart” event in Hong Kong, North American players came away with a lot of the money. Canada’s David Fatum took first worth a cool $13,849. He edged out USA’s John Kuczynski who walked away with $4,111.77. Ben Dersh finished with a joint third while Scott Kirchner and Ray Carver got into the top 8. Hmmm. Five of 8 ain’t too Chablis.


The ODC sometimes makes a mistake. The late Paul Harvey would explain, “Now the rest of the story.”

There was a slight kafuffle in the column concerning the 2009 ADO World Cup team. A kafuffle? “You stupid jerk get your facts right!” Now the rest of the story…

Neither the ADO nor the Weasel Dart Federation objected to either “Whining” Bill Davis or Ray Carver representing the USA at the 2009 World Cup. Both players were named with the understanding that if they played for the ADO they would have to relinquish their spots in the 2009 PDC World Dart Championships. ADO President Buddy Bartoletta went to Las Vegas to talk with PDC Head Man Barry Hearn in an attempt to get him to allow them to play for America without losing their World Championship spots. His request fell upon deaf ears. Guess when Davis complained to the ODC “his memory seemed to fail him.” Go figure.


Few know or care that Dooley Wilson, the piano player at Rick’s Café in the movie Casablanca, was never told by Ilsa Lund (played by Ingrid Bergman) to “Play it again Sam.” She did say, “We’ll always have Paris,” but I digress.

The men of the PDC, at the recently concluded Grand Slam of Darts, learned that a “washed up, past his prime Phil Taylor” still knows a thing or two about the fine art of darts. He gave ‘em a lesson.

As has been the case since the report of his demise, Phil Taylor has “played it again and again and again.” He went through a quality field in Wolverhampton like a dose of salts through politician or corn through a seagull. Other players in the PDC are back to playing for second place which in this case was £50,000 which is not only not too Chablis but on par with a nice Chianti served with fava beans. Gary Anderson collected the first runner up prize getting demolished 16-4 in the final with Taylor averaging 109. About the only way Anderson might have stopped Taylor was to have him kidnapped before the final.

To reach the final and the £100,000 pay off, Taylor disposed of World Champion Adrian Lewis 16-9. As Taylor is so want to do he used outs of 119, 111, and 108 to stick the dagger in the heart of Lewis, usually while Lewis was sitting on a double. Gary Anderson was on his way out in his semi final against Mark Walsh in the race to 16. Up 10-6 and on a roll Walsh had three darts to move up 11-6. Whoops he missed. Anderson took 10 of the next 11 for the 16-11 win. John Part almost had a similar comeback when he found himself down to Adrian Lewis 9-3 in the race to 10. Part did an “Emeril Lagasse” when he “kicked it up a notch” before falling victim to a double 12 and a 10-8 defeat.

Lewis, after a previous loss to Taylor, was sitting backstage, head in hands muttering “Why does he always play that way against me?” Dave Allen, PR guy extraordinaire, stopped to implant Lewis with his sage wisdom, “He plays that way against everyone.”

After Taylor’s win he surprisingly said, “I’m over the moon.” Who would have thunk it?


It started in the year 1602 when the Pilgrims and the Injuns sat down to give thanks for a bountiful harvest and smoke some “tobacco.” The tradition continues today in America each November and in Canada during October. Contrary to popular belief the first dinner probably didn’t include turkey as every bird then was called a turkey and the Butterball wasn’t available. Heck, they couldn’t even go to Popeye’s.

Tiz the season to be thankful. The ODC is grateful that he has a forum for his wit (half) and wisdom (little) and endless reporting on the state of darts.

Most of all it’s the readers that provide the jump start to any column, so thanks to all of you too. Mr. David Brook, owner of the Island Lager Bar on Patong Beach in Phuket, Thailand is a regular contributor. He’s also a smooth talking devil who has been known to blow a little smoke up the ODC’s keister. “Have to say this is one of your best articles… but on behalf of weasels and ferrets they do feel insulted to be associated with some of the “Oily’ names you mention. Did my best efforts last night to keep up the tradition of beer and darts… well almost, so with the beer we forgot about the darts… ah well, there’s always a chance tomorrow!”

(Been there done that. Once was while watching the opening of the 1984 Olympics at Los Angeles on the television. A group of darters were at the bar of the Stockton Rod and Gun Club prior to the Friday blind draw for the Riverboat Open. The beer and schnapps flowed while athletes marched into the Coliseum with flags a wavin’. The blind draw was forgotten.)

Thanks also to the promoters that do their best to keep the sport of darts alive. Major League Darts is the latest. They have a tournament in Thousand Oaks, California on December 11 at the Thousands Oaks Inn named the John Lowe Open. The day before Mr. Lowe will do an exhibition at the Borderline Bar and Grill, also in Thousand Oaks. Y’all come! The Borderline is a Country and Western Bar. “I like two kinds of music: country and western.” The ODC confused the Borderline with the Border Grill run by The Two Hot Tamales, Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger. They would make great darters.

And thanks to characters like England’s Ted Hanky. Playing him is a “right horse’s patootie” but fun viewing, especially if well fueled with “aiming fluid” and “group tightener.” One dart writer wrote, “Watched Ted ‘Pocket’ Hanky yesterday. He has got to be the poster boy for ‘English louts’ that hang in the pub and deliver stuff from a lorry. Reverse Mohawk haircut with the ever popular duck-tail in back, dart shirt opened four buttons down to show off his chest, many gold chains and then topped it off with the yellow tell-tail nicotine stained fingers of a guy that rolls his own fags. He’d be a perfect teddy boy but he seems to have teeth. Oh yes, he struts like a peacock in full plumage but acts like a turkey. Perfect for this time of year.”

Special note: Gal Pal Anne Kramer ended her long-standing life on the west coast with play that puts her in the National ADO Finals. Congratulations! Anne and her husband JK are on their way to New Jersey to start a new darting life. East Coast: you have been warned. He’s yours now!

And finally… “English Prime Minister David Cameron is resisting some calls for the resignation of the 10 Downing Street’s official mouse catcher Larry in the wake of the scandalous recent appearance of an uninvited mouse at a recent official government dinner.” Larry of course is a cat. The ODC wonders how Larry would do at cleaning out weasels. It’s just a thought…

On this Thanksgiving, as the world most popular man, the ODC, advices, “Stay thirsty my friends and thanks.”


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.