Dartoids World

Column #HR251 “Miracle” Mikuru Suzuki (nearly) shocks Paul Lim!

Thursday, January 31, 2019
Column HR251
“Miracle” Mikuru Suzuki (nearly) shocks Paul Lim!

The Old Dart Coach got the shock of his life when last week’s column produced two responses, neither of which started with “You suck.”

What was even more amazing was that it appeared both people not only read the column but understood what was contained therein. Irish Tom was first. “Your comments about cricket… so you are saying that the cricket game of darts is a Mickey Mouse game?”  In response the ODC says, “Yea, verily I say unto you.”  Irish Tom nailed that puppy.

Irish Tom further explained that during a trip to Florida some years ago, “…it was not too difficult to pick up cricket. I managed to win quite a few dollars which went to help pay for my trip. I liked playing because of the novelty.”  He could have mentioned the amount money he skimmed from Floridians which increased his fondness for the game.

Tom passed on some other names for cricket including Mickey Mouse, Horse and Carriage, Coach and Horses, Faldo, Beds and Bulls and the ODC’s favorite, Pointy Throwies.  Cricket was and is a novelty that has run its course.  The ODC would respectfully remind readers that eating Tide laundry soap pods, the Hula Hoop and swallowing gold fish were also novelties that disappeared.  Hopefully Pointy Throwies will be next.

“IDI” didn’t mince a lot of words in his response.  A man of few words, he merely sent “:).”  The ODC was bumfuddled as to what in the name of golly gosh darn “:)” meant.  He inquired and found out “it’s a lazy bastard’s way of saying ‘I like it.’”  Winner, winner chicken diner.

Some may remember the brouhaha that arose during the finals match of the Grand Slam of Darts between Gary Anderson and Gerwyn Price. For his action Price was sent to the “sin bin” by the Darts Regulation Authority, fined £21,500 and suspended until July 11th. Funny but the suspension doesn’t include the Premier League. “The Committee found that Mr. Price had brought the sport into disrepute by his actions and that they amounted to gamesmanship in his matches with Mr. Whitlock and Mr. Anderson.”

To quote Captain Louis Renault (played by Clade Rains) in the greatest movie ever made, Casablanca, “I’m shocked, shocked to find out gamesmanship is going on!” Or as the late Irene Maude Reed would react, “My God, the bridge!”

This surely is the end of the darting scene as we know it.  Everyone knows sport is built on gamesmanship.  A baseball pitcher throws a “high hard one” under a batter’s chin. Gamesmanship.  A golfer scratches himself during an opponent’s backswing. Gamesmanship.

Remember “Fartgate?” Was it not the ultimate gamesmanship when Gary Anderson had a gas attack?

Damn straight, Bucky!

Except it was later determined that Gary Anderson was falsely accused, although no one has officially come forward to take credit for the odorous deed.  The incident occurred in Anderson’s match with Dutchman Wesley Harms. A “rotten egg” smell suddenly permeated the stage.  Harms whined, which is what losing Dutchman do.  The BBC reported that, “deep-voiced caller Russ Bray also shared the stage with the players.” Bray denied he was the culprit but, suspiciously perhaps, you’ll see him smiling at times – which to some is a tel.

Barry Hearn had the last word, as he always does. “I guess people wonder if blowing off might constitute advanced gamesmanship. Then again, Russ was just about within farting distance,” said Hearn.

The DRA’s release would have been more honest if it just read, “Price acted like a wanker.”

Had Price acted similarly 15 years ago someone would have taken his classic Greek Atleta di Fano (aka Victorious Youth) body and rearranged it to resemble the Greek statue of Aphrodite, who most know as Venus de Milo.

The PDC Asian Tour kicked off recently in Seoul, South Korea, with a resounding bang. It’s not difficult to hear the whining cries from North America, “Why doesn’t the PDC have a North American Tour?” Easy. The first Asian Tour had 174 entries including the Choi’s, Jung’s, Kim’s, Lee’s, Park’s and Lim’s which, alone, totaled 51 – probably more than any North American Tour event would attract.

The star of the first stop on the PDC Asian Tour was the legendary Paul Lim who was also described as an “’evergreen’ darting legend.”  Lim, who just turned 65, had a Lawrence Welk weekend.  Lawrence Welk weekend? Yes, he got a “1 anna 2.”  On Day One, Lim lost to Hong Kong’s Royden Lam, perhaps better known for his machine darts exploits.  Lim lost despite averaging 105.30.

On Day Two, he fared much better taking the final with a convincing 5-2 triumph over Hong Kong’s Kai-Fan Leung. During his second day run Lim would lose only 9 legs in 7 matches.  Four of those lost legs came against the latest darts superstar, “Miracle” Mikuru Suzuki in the quarter finals.  Ms. Suzuki did “wheelies” while winning the Women’s World Championship at Lakeside.

Lim built a 1-nil lead in the match thanks to a 142-check. Ms. Suzuki evaporated Lim’s lead taking her own 4-3 lead in the race to 5 with a 12-darter.  Lim responded with a 12-darter of his own. In the decider Suzuki had the first shot at a double.  Lim describes what happened next.  “I have got to thank my lucky star. It went to the final leg with her going first. She had 56 left to take me out but missed by the wire on tops and 10s.” Lim would take out 68 for the win.  He pocketed $4,200 for his Lawrence Welk weekend.

Possibly, Suzuki provided a spark for England’s women darters – as 8 showed up for the PDC Qualifying School. Showed up, played well and proved competitive. None would qualify but one, Lisa Ashton, did better than Lakeside semifinalist Jim Williams while garnering more total points than the Lakeside finalist Scott Waites. Way to go Ms. Ashton.

Lakeside champion Glen Durrant got his card due to overall points. One source pointed out that the average age of Q School participants dropped from 41.1 years to 34.6. Watch out you guys on the PDC Tour.  Youth must be served.

Stay thirsty my friends.


  • Howie Reed

    Astute, often controversial, and always humorous, the Old Dart Coach, Howie Reed (a former rodeo cowboy and advertising executive), is heralded as the Dean of Darts Chroniclers - the most prolific and widely followed writer ever about our sport. He goes back decades with the legends and knows where the skeletons are buried (just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers!). Here are four well-known facts about the Old Dart Coach: 1) he is a Republican, 2) he loves the ladies, 3) he can drink most anybody under the table, and 4) he throws darts as bad as Dartoid.