{"id":7736,"date":"2017-12-21T18:31:50","date_gmt":"2017-12-21T18:31:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/2017\/12\/column-550-steel-tip-aint-no-olympic-shoo-in-theres-plastic-competition\/"},"modified":"2017-12-21T18:31:50","modified_gmt":"2017-12-21T18:31:50","slug":"column-550-steel-tip-aint-no-olympic-shoo-in-theres-plastic-competition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/2017\/12\/column-550-steel-tip-aint-no-olympic-shoo-in-theres-plastic-competition\/","title":{"rendered":"Column #550 Steel-tip ain\u2019t no Olympic shoo-in \u2013 there\u2019s (plastic) competition!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thursday, December 21, 2017
\nColumn 550
\nSteel-tip ain\u2019t no Olympic shoo-in \u2013 there\u2019s (plastic) competition!<\/b><\/p>\n

They call him the \u201cDragon\u201d and he\u2019s a former world champion. He has basked in the glory of his \u2018sport,\u2019 one that some describe as \u201cjust the right mix of skill and intellect.\u201d Growing older and with a family, he is still highly regarded, puts in the practice and travels frequently in his quest to add another world championship to his resume. And he\u2019s currently one of the most well known and popular promoters of his game.<\/p>\n

But who is the Dragon? And with recent rumblings of a push to see his \u2018sport\u2019 added as a demonstration activity at the 2012 London Olympics one must also ask: Why the hell is the Olympics in London? Was Toledo booked?<\/p>\n

This Dragon is not Rob Heckman, although he does fit the description of everything and more mentioned in the first paragraph. He\u2019s actually a three-time Medalist world singles champion. He is also, according to Stacy Bromberg, the \u201cperfect man from the neck down.\u201d And he\u2019s a chicken-shit. I asked him for an interview and he ducked me like a little boy on a dodge ball court. Possibly he\u2019s been talking to Dave \u201cBoy\u201d Green.<\/p>\n

The Dragon I\u2019m talking about is Dave Lockwood. He\u2019s from Silver Spring, Maryland and currently ranked fifth in the world. And yes, there is \u2013 according to Winking World<\/i>, the magazine that covers tournament play, strategy and technique for his \u2018sport\u2019 \u2013 a campaign to have it included as a demonstration event at the 2012 Summer Olympics. But the \u2018sport\u2019 ain\u2019t darts. It\u2019s Tiddlywinks.<\/p>\n

Yep, you read that right. Tiddlywinks. Except for the last column I published, I\u2019ve never in my life come across anything so frickin\u2019 absurd.<\/p>\n

Of course, there are a lot of fringe \u2018sports\u2019 out there and they all have their nut case followers and \u2018world champions.\u2019 There\u2019s extreme ironing, conkers and even wife carrying. But none of their practitioners or fans are delusional enough to think such simpleminded activities are worthy of the legitimacy that comes with Olympic acceptance.<\/p>\n

\"extreme-ironing-04\"What, you might ask, is extreme ironing? According to the official website it\u2019s \u201cthe latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt.\u201d Competitors climb a mountain or snowboard or parachute and iron articles of clothing.<\/p>\n

Conkers? A conker is the hard brown seed found inside the prickly green casings that fall each autumn from the horse chestnut tree (or Buckeye tree as they are called in America). The nuts are collected from the ground, holes are drilled into them and they are threaded on a length of string.<\/p>\n

Two contestants then pair off like gladiators, just as in darts. One suspends his conker from one hand, to a length of approximately a foot, while the other contestant uses his nut on a string to try to smash his opponent\u2019s nut to smithereens.<\/p>\n

\"2385382504\"Wife carrying? In this \u2018sport\u2019 male competitors race the clock through an obstacle course while carrying a female teammate. The fastest time wins. Apparently the \u2018sport\u2019 is \u201c\u2026quite dangerous and can result in a slipped disk, broken legs and arms, spinal damage, facial injury, skull fractures, hernias, and other sundry injuries, including death.\u201d The victor wins his wife\u2019s weight in beer.<\/p>\n

Then there is tiddlywinks, or (my apologies to those of the female persuasion) \u201ctiddies\u201d as it is sometimes affectionately called\u2026<\/p>\n

When most of us think of tiddlywinks we recall the old Milton Bradley game with the little pot and colorful blue, green, red and yellow plastic disks (winks) we played as kids and then stuffed away in a closet to collect dust bunnies because it was silly, boring, stupid and dumb, just like it still is. Little did we know (and had we, would we have given a rat\u2019s ass) that the game was a really big deal in late Victorian times and Prince Philip himself, who looks like he was born in Victorian times, was a tiddlywinks aficionado.<\/p>\n

Certainly never would we have imagined that had we practiced hard we might as adults someday lay claim to the title \u201cTop Wanker\u201d (correction: winker) and compete for fame and glory in the Olympics.<\/p>\n

\"Tiddlywinks\"Nope, instead, being wise men (and women) and true sportsmen \u2013 former baseball, basketball and football players, and bartenders \u2013 when we grew up we took up drinking, smoking, darts and an occasional jalapeno popper. We\u2019re real<\/i> athletes.<\/p>\n

Yet real tiddlywinks combatants \u2013 those who flick about little slugs of plastic at the upper echelons of their \u2018sport\u2019 \u2013 insist that what they do is serious business too, as well as rough and tumble. As the Dragon puts it, \u201cSometimes it\u2019s hard to stand up and take the ridicule that comes when you say that you take tiddlywinks seriously. But it does have a physical element.\u201d Oh my.<\/p>\n

Just like in darts there are standard rules, detailed specifications for the color and size of winks, the squidger (the circular disk used to propel winks into the pot), the pot and the felt field of play.<\/p>\n

There are formal governing organizations \u2013 the English Tiddlywinks Association (ETwA), North American Tiddlywinks Association (NATwa) and the \u201csupreme ruling body,\u201d the International Federation of Tiddlywinks Associations (IFTwA) which, not surprisingly, all seem to be better run than the British Darts Organization. The centers of tiddlywinks strength have long been those legendary bastions of athletic prowess: Cambridge University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.<\/p>\n

Also just as in darts there is an insiders\u2019 lingo \u2013 but Bobby George can\u2019t lay claim to having invented any of it. A \u201cdoubleton\u201d is a pile in which two winks are covered up by a single ememy wink. A \u201csquop\u201d is to play a wink so that it comes to rest above another wink. A \u201cscrunge\u201d is when is when a wink bounces out of the pot. And a \u201cgromp\u201d is an attempt to jump a pile onto another wink. So if you were one of the 80% who in the most recent Dartoid\u2019s World poll thought these terms applied to ballroom dancing, quidditch or soft-tip darts you can take comfort knowing you\u2019re not alone in your ignorance of useless \u2018sport\u2019 trivia.<\/p>\n

\"Estonian_Carry_style\"Although the Finnish rule wife carrying, as in darts \u2013 and extreme ironing and conkers \u2013 the current world tiddlywinks champion is British. When his teammate and former world champion, Dr. Patrick Barrie of Cambridge University, was asked how he rated the chances of his \u2018sport\u2019 gaining a nod from the 2012 Olympic Committee he replied, “I would cross my fingers but I can\u2019t risk an injury.” Actually, this was his answer to some other question but what the hell\u2026<\/p>\n

Recently the 2011 World Tiddlywinks Championship was held at St. Andrew\u2019s Church Hall in Hull. Those of us who hope for darts to be accorded the respect it deserves should take note of what transpired \u2013 and hope that the Olympic Committee does too. Here is a first-hand (and slightly shortened) report from NUSE International so it\u2019s technically fictional but, again, what the hell\u2026<\/p>\n

In previous years, the World Tiddlywinks Championship has been a calm yet exciting event attended by families from across the world. However, during this year\u2019s championship, rather unorthodox behaviour and violence was shown towards match officials and opposing spectators<\/i>.<\/p>\n

This has caused outrage among the tiddlywinks community and has meant that several matches during this year\u2019s championship were boycotted by veteran players. Despite the relaxed nature of the game, the rise in popularity and skill amongst youth recently has caused a great deal of distress for players who are more advanced in years<\/i>.<\/p>\n

The first incident occurred in the opening ceremony of the 2011 World Championships, when tour rookie Dale Mac, 19, threatened the tiddlywinks tour veteran Nigel Simmons, 74, with verbal abuse, including offensive phrases such as, \u201cI bet you like tiddling winkies, granddad!\u201d causing Simmons to walk out of their fixture during the games, after first assaulting Mac with a chair and a half-eaten apple in front of a packed crowd consisting of almost twenty people \u2013 the largest attendance of the games since they began<\/i>.<\/p>\n

The International Federation of Tiddlywinks met in Brussels to discuss the recent incidents. However, the discussions were interrupted by Mac, who burst into the room brandishing a sharpened metal tiddlywink and a half-empty bottle of Frosty Jacks. Mac, who had been celebrating his world championship victory, was removed from the proceedings; however, a fight ensued in the corridor between Mac and Simmons, each unhappy with the conduct displayed by their opponent during the recent championships<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Both players have now been suspended by the International Federation of Tiddlywinks until the issues have been resolved, which is not likely to happen before the next tour event. This has produced a tremendous surge of division between both competitors and fans who have taken sides in this battle between Mac and Simmons<\/i>.<\/p>\n

As a result, extra security precautions have been put in place to oversee the smooth running of the upcoming tiddlywinks tour event, which is to be held in Portsmouth in August. The precautions include the hire of a security guard: Dave, a bag packer in the local Tesco. The Federation are hopeful that the nature of the event will continue normally as the most historical and lucrative event on the calendar with a prize purse of nearly \u00a320<\/i>.<\/p>\n

So there you have it\u2026<\/p>\n

Tiddlywinks, as played by the Dragon, is a simpleminded child\u2019s game played by dysfunctional adult geniuses who are violent.<\/p>\n

Darts on the other hand, as played by another Dragon, is a serious sport embraced by gentlemen \u2013 role models for the next generation \u2013 who, while we may not have the grades to get into Cambridge or MIT and despite our need for an occasional nip, are smart enough to know that tiddlywinks is just frickin\u2019 stupid.<\/p>\n

And never, not ever \u2013 you can be damn sure of this \u2013 has a world darts championship been marred by one player assaulting another with a chair and an apple.<\/p>\n

Tiddlywinks does not deserve to be showcased at the 2012 Olympics.<\/p>\n

Darts does.<\/p>\n

And the Olympics should be moved to America.<\/p>\n

From the Field,<\/p>\n

Dartoid<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yep, you read that right. Tiddlywinks. 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Tiddlywinks. Except for the last column I published, I\u2019ve never in my life come across anything so frickin\u2019 absurd.","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"authors":[{"term_id":15,"user_id":2,"is_guest":0,"slug":"dartoid","display_name":"Dartoid","avatar_url":{"url":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png","url2x":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png"},"first_name":"Paul","last_name":"Seigel","user_url":"http:\/\/www.dartoidsworld.com","job_title":"","description":"\"Dartoid\" is the pseudonym of Paul Seigel, a prominent chronicler of darts for over 35 years. His columns are celebrated for their wit and insight, often detailing his quest for a game in exotic locales worldwide. His writing offers vibrant commentary on the competitive darts landscape, including players, organizations, tournaments and the sport's unique culture. Dartoid's articles are highly regarded among darts enthusiasts, solidifying his role as a pivotal figure in promoting and documenting darts as both a recreational pastime and professional sport."}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7736","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7736"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7736\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6489"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7736"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7736"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7736"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/ppma_author?post=7736"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}