Saturday, February 1, 2014
\nColumn 457
\nValentines are Fucked (an inappropriate guest column by Jerry Masterson, age 8, that has nothing to do with darts)<\/b><\/b><\/p>\n
Valentines are fucked!\u00a0 And while this sentence may be similar in theme to my previous column, \u201cKissing Girls is Fucked!\u201d \u2013 they are both non-debatable points.<\/p>\n
I will now relate a story…<\/p>\n
There is a boy in my class, Terry Williams.\u00a0 Big kid, probably retarded.\u00a0 One day in the cafeteria he goes up to Sandy Kennington and says, \u201cSandy.\u00a0 Do you know how to scare a bee?\u201d\u00a0 And Sandy says, \u201cNo\u2026 how?\u201d\u00a0 So Terry pinches each of her titties and yells, \u201cBOO BEE!\u201d<\/p>\n
Funny, right?\u00a0 Well, it ain\u2019t that funny because not only was Terry suspended for three weeks, but Sandy\u2019s family filed a million-dollar lawsuit against the school district for \u201csexual harassment.\u201d\u00a0 It was in all the papers, and for all I know, Terry\u2019s name is now on some \u201csexual predator\u201d list.<\/p>\n
Now you may be saying, \u201cWhat the fuck!?\u201d\u00a0 But wait<\/i>.\u00a0 I told you so I could tell you this…<\/p>\n
Yesterday Mrs. Meyerson tells everybody we\u2019re doing something special<\/i> for \u201cValentine\u2019s Day.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re decorating lunch sacks, hanging them on the wall, and on Friday we\u2019re going to exchange Valentines\u2026 with the entire class!<\/i><\/p>\n
Okay, all together now\u2026<\/p>\n
WHAT THE FUCK?!?<\/i><\/p>\n
What is this?\u00a0 Some kind of vice squad sting operation?\u00a0 After what happened to Terry Williams, I\u2019m supposed to give Shirley Roundtree some bullshit Pikachu Valentine that says \u201cBe Mine?\u201d<\/p>\n
Yeah, right<\/i>.\u00a0 I do that, and before I know it, Law & Order: SVU<\/i> is knocking down my door arresting me on charges of \u201csexual harassment\u201d and some pencil-dick lawyer is soaking my parents of their life savings!<\/p>\n
But WAIT!\u00a0 That\u2019s not all!\u00a0 Because see\u2026 I\u2019m supposed to give Valentines to the BOYS<\/i>, too!!\u00a0 Ohhhhh, that\u2019s just fucking great!\u00a0 So not only am I written up in the papers as a goddamn sexual predator, but now I\u2019m GAY too?<\/p>\n
This is just fucking perfect!\u00a0 Hey!\u00a0 Look at me everybody!\u00a0 I\u2019m a big fat eight-year-old sexual predator\u2026 and I\u2019m gay.<\/p>\n
Look, I don\u2019t know who this \u201cSt. Valentine\u201d fruit loop is, but I do know one thing\u2026 HE IS FUCKED.\u00a0 (And this is a non-debatable point).<\/p>\n
From the Field,<\/p>\n
Dartoid<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Valentines are fucked! And while this sentence may be similar in theme to my previous column, \u201cKissing Girls is Fucked!\u201d \u2013 they are both non-debatable points. I will now relate a story… 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are fucked! And while this sentence may be similar in theme to my previous column, \u201cKissing Girls is Fucked!\u201d \u2013 they are both non-debatable points. I will now relate a story...","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"authors":[{"term_id":15,"user_id":2,"is_guest":0,"slug":"dartoid","display_name":"Dartoid","avatar_url":{"url":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png","url2x":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png"},"first_name":"Paul","last_name":"Seigel","user_url":"http:\/\/www.dartoidsworld.com","job_title":"","description":"\"Dartoid\" is the pseudonym of Paul Seigel, a prominent chronicler of darts for over 35 years. His columns are celebrated for their wit and insight, often detailing his quest for a game in exotic locales worldwide. His writing offers vibrant commentary on the competitive darts landscape, including players, organizations, tournaments and the sport's unique culture. Dartoid's articles are highly regarded among darts enthusiasts, solidifying his role as a pivotal figure in promoting and documenting darts as both a recreational pastime and professional sport."}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7468","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7468"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7468\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6498"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7468"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7468"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7468"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/ppma_author?post=7468"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}