Monday, June 21, 2010
\nColumn 392
\nA Dartboard for Father\u2019s Day<\/b><\/p>\n
I have a lot of dartboards. People give them to me.<\/p>\n
I have one in my office, one in my home office, one on my lanai, and four or five others stacked up on a shelf in my garage. I\u2019ve been thinking of giving some of them away to homeless people.<\/p>\n
I practice on none of them. This is why I suck.<\/p>\n
Since the one thing I don\u2019t need or use is a dartboard it was a surprise to receive a dartboard for Father\u2019s Day from my daughter, Jami. Well, actually, it wasn\u2019t a complete surprise. Jami has a long habit of giving me unusual presents. Once she gave me a tie with a baby duck on it. The duck was physically stapled onto the tie. When I opened the box the tie, literally, started running around the living rom.<\/p>\n
Seriously, Jami is one of those people who put great thought into her gift purchases. The thing is that in my case she doesn\u2019t need to. For thirty years I have told her that all I really want is a Mercedes.<\/p>\n
But I love my new dartboard. This is because it\u2019s not your typical dartboard.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a spitball<\/i> dartboard.<\/p>\n
Made in China, manufactured by a place called Knock Knock, and distributed by Who\u2019s There, Inc. in Venice, California, this dartboard is something everybody should own, particularly eight-year-olds. I\u2019ve just hung mine on my office wall.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t actually taken a shot yet. I\u2019m going to do that, with you, while writing the next few paragraphs.<\/p>\n
The rules are simple, or seem so.<\/p>\n
The board must be hung at \u201croughly eye level.\u201d I\u2019ve done this \u2013 I\u2019ve just stuck it on top of the unused Nodor board already hanging on my wall.<\/p>\n
The spitball dartboard comes with a straw which I have removed from the little clips.<\/p>\n
Next, the instructions say to \u201cobtain a one square inch of paper and chew the paper until the maximum amount of saliva is absorbed.\u201d Toilet paper is “not advised.”<\/p>\n
With a ruler I measured out a one inch square of a Post-it note and cut the square with my scissors. So, as you read these words I am chewing paper.<\/p>\n
IMPORTANT NOTE<\/b>: One minute has passed.<\/p>\n
The instructions now say to \u201cinsert the spitball into one end of the straw.\u201d I have done this.<\/p>\n
The rules say to stand five feet away from the board but this is crap. I am standing at the line I normally stand at when I don\u2019t practice.<\/p>\n
Next I am to inhale, put the spitball end of the straw to my lips, aim, and blow.<\/p>\n
So here I go…<\/p>\n
I am focusing on the bull.<\/p>\n
Ready. Aim. Blow.<\/p>\n
SPLAT! My little yellow spitball has found its mark, just a quarter inch to the left of the bull in the approximate position of the eleven.<\/p>\n
I now see that there are short messages \u2013 kind of like fortune cookie messages \u2013 inside all of the board segments…<\/p>\n
The message under my spitball reads: Abandon all hope<\/i>!<\/p>\n
So there you have it \u2013 the spitball dartboard is fun and realistic, and \u2013 in my case it came with the same message that people who have watched me throw darts have been telling me for years.<\/p>\n
The game also can be extremely dangerous. It comes with several warnings.<\/p>\n
As a \u201cchoking hazard\u201d the product should not be used by children under the age of three or Miles Gallagher. Chewing on spitballs can be \u201chazardous to you health\u201d and should not be swallowed. Spitballs should not be \u201creused or swapped\u201d with other players. Most importantly, spitballs \u201cshould not be aimed at anything other than the board provided.\u201d<\/p>\n
I plan to obey all of these rules except the last one.<\/p>\n
I have a special spitball ready with my daughter\u2019s name on it.<\/p>\n
From the Field,<\/p>\n
Dartoid<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a lot of dartboards. People give them to me.<\/p>\n
I have one in my office, one in my home office, one on my lanai, and four or five others stacked up on a shelf in my garage. I\u2019ve been thinking of giving some of them away to homeless people.<\/p>\n
I practice on none of them. This is why I suck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6505,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center 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Day","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[15],"class_list":["post-7342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dartoid"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"views":2919,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1",520,405,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?resize=150%2C150&ssl=1",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=300%2C234&ssl=1",300,234,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1",520,405,true],"large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1",520,405,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1",520,405,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?fit=520%2C405&ssl=1",520,405,true],"rpwe-thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-20-1.jpg?resize=45%2C45&ssl=1",45,45,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Dartoid","author_link":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/author\/dartoid\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"I have a lot of dartboards. People give them to me. I have one in my office, one in my home office, one on my lanai, and four or five others stacked up on a shelf in my garage. I\u2019ve been thinking of giving some of them away to homeless people. I practice on none…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"authors":[{"term_id":15,"user_id":2,"is_guest":0,"slug":"dartoid","display_name":"Dartoid","avatar_url":{"url":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png","url2x":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png"},"first_name":"Paul","last_name":"Seigel","user_url":"http:\/\/www.dartoidsworld.com","job_title":"","description":"\"Dartoid\" is the pseudonym of Paul Seigel, a prominent chronicler of darts for over 35 years. His columns are celebrated for their wit and insight, often detailing his quest for a game in exotic locales worldwide. His writing offers vibrant commentary on the competitive darts landscape, including players, organizations, tournaments and the sport's unique culture. Dartoid's articles are highly regarded among darts enthusiasts, solidifying his role as a pivotal figure in promoting and documenting darts as both a recreational pastime and professional sport."}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7342","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7342"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7342\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6505"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7342"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/ppma_author?post=7342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}