November 1, 2006
\nColumn 275
\nFederal Express Stole my Darts!<\/b><\/p>\n
Some things make no sense. Take the price of gasoline in America.<\/p>\n
Over the past year the price of a gallon of gasoline has spiked nearly a dollar to over three dollars a gallon. The reasons given: Chinese demand, Hurricane Katrina, the war in Iraq, the prospect of another war in Iran, some problem with a leaky pipeline in Alaska and because George Bush is a monkey butt. A month ago it cost me roughly the same amount to fill up the tank of my lawnmower as it did to fill up my car in high school.<\/p>\n
Then suddenly, despite that fact that all of these so-called reasons for the increase still exist and some have worsened, the price of gasoline gradually dropped thirty percent to about two dollars a gallon. It\u2019s a mystery I tell you.<\/p>\n
Another mystery these days has to do with darts and the airline industry. Despite the fact that no human being has EVER hijacked a plane while brandishing a dart, since September 11, the airlines have clamped down on their long-standing but usually disregarded policy that darts are \u201cdangerous missiles.\u201d Hence it is impossible to board a flight with a missile anywhere but in your pants.<\/p>\n
Worse, since the plot by terrorists in England to blow up American-bound airplanes with a tubes of Crest and Coke-a-Cola, there\u2019s pretty much no choice (unless you want to shove all your toiletries into little baggies and then display them to the world when you check in) but to entrust all of your luggage to the airlines, darts included, and risk the likelihood that it will get rifled or disappear into the Third Dimension.<\/p>\n
So to play it safe on a recent trip to Bangkok, like many darters do these days and as I have done for the past few years when traveling, I sent my darts ahead by Federal Express. It\u2019s always worked. There have never been any worries. This time I figured, what the hell, I\u2019d send my toiletries and a few bottles of pills along in the same box.<\/p>\n
I arrived in Thailand the day after the box was guaranteed to arrive. Federal Express has a wonderful tracking system and on the Internet I\u2019d followed the movement of my box from Tampa to Memphis to Anchorage to Subic Bay to Thailand. So I knew the box had made it to Bangkok before I had even left home. That\u2019s how good Federal Express\u2019 tracking system is. I was ready to throw some darts!<\/p>\n
But the box wasn\u2019t at my hotel. I thought it odd but not that odd. But it was nearly midnight when I arrived so it didn\u2019t much matter. The town was hoppin\u2019. At night there are more exciting things to do in Bangkok anyway\u2026<\/p>\n
So I went to sleep.<\/p>\n
By late morning the next day my box and darts had still not arrived. I went to an Internet Caf\u00e9 and checked the Federal Express tracking system. I learned that my box had encountered something called a \u201cclearance delay.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I sent an e-mail to Federal Express. Shortly after noon I checked back at the Internet Caf\u00e9 to find that my message had bounced back as undeliverable. I checked the e-mail address that was listed for customer service in Thailand and found it to be correct. I sent another message and waited about ten minutes. It also bounced back. So I walked back to my hotel and called the local number for Federal Express.<\/p>\n
I got a girl on the phone who didn\u2019t sound Thai. Friendly guy that I am, I commented on this and she told me I was correct. She was Malaysian and worked for Federal Express from a phone bank in Malaysia. While I didn\u2019t find this comforting I didn\u2019t find it unusual either. When I had to change my flight arrangements a couple of weeks prior and called Atlanta-based Expedia, the girl on the telephone was employed at a phone bank in Manila. My Cingular cell phone problems are handled by their customer service office in India. It all makes perfect frickin\u2019 sense. I started to worry.<\/p>\n
I explained the problem. The Malaysian girl told me she would send an e-mail to customer service in the Federal Express Thailand office. I told her I\u2019d done this twice already with no success. She said to wait for thirty minutes and I\u2019d receive a call.<\/p>\n
Two hours later I called her back. She said she\u2019d send another e-mail.<\/p>\n
Eventually some man named Sarawuds called from Federal Express Thailand. I explained the problem again. He put me on hold for ten minutes.<\/p>\n
Eventually he explained that my box and darts were being held in Customs because the contents were not properly identified. He asked me to e-mail him a detailed listing of the items and said he would call me back after receiving it. He gave me his personal e-mail.<\/p>\n
I went back to the Internet Caf\u00e9 and did as told.<\/p>\n
Two more hours passed. So I called the girl again in Malaysia who sent another e-mail to Thailand. A while later a woman named Sarawueh called from Federal Express. She had no knowledge of my previous conversation with Sarawuds or my e-mail. Frustrated, I asked to speak to her supervisor. She told me she was the supervisor. So I explained the problem again.<\/p>\n
Sarawueh told me that I would need to follow a strict procedure to secure the release of my box. Because there were bottles of pills in the box I would need a letter from my doctor to assure Customs that the pills were for personal and not commercial use. She also explained that I would need to turn over my passport to Customs for \u201cthree to five days\u201d in order to complete the process. Kindly, she offered to have Federal Express come to my hotel to pick up my passport.<\/p>\n
Now, there are a handful of things you simply do not do in a country like Thailand. Second on the list, perhaps only to insulting the King, is let go of your passport. So holding my temper and in the most polite terms possible I explained that the box held nothing but common toiletries, some medicines that I needed, and a set of darts, which were the reason I\u2019d purchased a ticket and flown across the world in the first place \u2013 to throw darts and write about it. I told her that the reason I used Federal Express was for the peace of mind that comes with their service compared to the uncertainty of checking such items these days and risking there vanishing forever into the cargo hold of some airplane.<\/p>\n
I pleaded with her. \u201cYou receive hundreds of boxes every day. They can\u2019t possibly all be held up for reasons such as this. You must be able to work this out with Customs. You\u2019re Federal Express! Please, can\u2019t you at least get my pills and darts?\u201d She said she\u2019d try and call back.<\/p>\n
An hour later, just before five o\u2019clock and as Federal Express was about to close for the day, my telephone rang. It was Sarawuds, the guy I first spoke to. He told me Sarawuea asked him to call because his English was better \u2013 a sure sign that the news was not good.<\/p>\n
He told me the same things all over again. He said there was just no way to change the process. \u201cIt is law,\u201d he admonished. I had to provide some sort of medical certificate and my passport.<\/p>\n
At this point \u2013 now two days past the date Federal Express in the United States guaranteed the box would be delivered \u2013 I did lost my temper.<\/p>\n
\u201cTens of thousands of bags of luggage full of toothpaste, mouthwash, and shaving cream pass through the airport every day and Customs doesn\u2019t do a thing. Thailand has one of the worst records in the world for turning a blind eye to the import from Africa and export to Korea and Vietnam of endangered plants and animals \u2013 and Federal Express is telling me that unless I provide a letter from my doctor for heartburn pills and give you my passport that you can\u2019t deliver me my toiletries and darts!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me tell you how absurd what you\u2019re telling me is. Suppose I was Tiger Woods and I had a heart problem. Suppose I checked my pills and my golf clubs because I trusted Federal Express \u2013 because I needed my pills to survive and my clubs to compete in the Thailand Open. Are you honestly telling me there is nothing you could do? Can\u2019t you just ask Customs to scan the box or open it and see for themselves that it\u2019s not full of guns or explosives?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan\u2019t you understand that had I just shoved the box in my luggage and checked it that we wouldn\u2019t even be having this ridiculous conversation!?\u201d<\/p>\n
All he could say was \u201cIt\u2019s is law. Must follow procedure.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I gave up. \u201cJust send the frickin\u2019 box back,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNeed authorization from person who sent box,\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cBUT THAT\u2019S ME! I SENT IT TO MYSELF!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeed contact your office in America. Get signature. Get authorization return box.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBUT I\u2019M HERE! I\u2019M IN BANGKOK. I AM THE PERSON YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING TO ALL DAMN DAY! I\u2019M SAYING SEND IT BACK TO ME!\u201d<\/p>\n
He then asked me the most astonishing thing. He asked if I would authorize payment for the cost of returning the box.<\/p>\n
\u201cWAIT,\u201d I said. \u201cAre you telling me that now, after all of this, after YOUR \u2013 Federal Express\u2019 inability to meet it\u2019s guarantee or to even try to reach some sort of compromise with Customs \u2013 you expect me to pay to have you send me the box back? You GOT to be kidding.\u201d<\/p>\n
Suffice it to say he wasn\u2019t. So I said fine. \u201cJust do whatever you have to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
But I also left him with a threat, not that I\u2019ll be successful progressing it. \u201cI\u2019ve got to tell you, I find this whole thing just astonishing. I paid Federal Express to deliver a box and I purchased a plane ticket expecting, based on Federal Express\u2019 guarantee, that I would have what I needed to conduct business when I arrived in Asia. Federal Express failed to meet its guarantee and now I must pay again to have the item returned. As far as I\u2019m concerned I owe Federal Express nothing. It\u2019s Federal Express that owes me for the entire cost of sending the box across the world and back \u2013 and the cost of a wasted plane ticket and my hotel bill.\u201d<\/p>\n
So that was that and I have a letter to write to the morons at Federal Express.<\/p>\n
That night I met up with friends from the Sukhumvit Darts League and purchased a used set of darts from one of them. We hit several bars in the Washington Square area of town and despite an incredible case of heartburn I managed to hold my own.<\/p>\n
Upon closing down the last bar and as we weaved our way onto the street to hail a tuk-tuk we spied a Federal Express van on a side street. It was parked in front of a massage parlor. Bastards.<\/p>\n
I have now arrived home and of course, I still don\u2019t have my darts.<\/p>\n
From the Field,<\/p>\n
Dartoid<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some things make no sense. Take the price of gasoline in America.<\/p>\n
Over the past year the price of a gallon of gasoline has spiked nearly a dollar to over three dollars a gallon. The reasons given: Chinese demand, Hurricane Katrina, the war in Iraq, the prospect of another war in Iran, some problem with a leaky pipeline in Alaska and because George Bush is a monkey butt. A month ago it cost me roughly the same amount to fill up the tank of my lawnmower as it did to fill up my car in high school.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6498,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center 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Darts!","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[15],"class_list":["post-7121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dartoid"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"views":2500,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1",520,332,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?resize=150%2C150&ssl=1",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=300%2C192&ssl=1",300,192,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1",520,332,true],"large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1",520,332,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1",520,332,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?fit=520%2C332&ssl=1",520,332,true],"rpwe-thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/darts-image-feature-random-13-1.jpg?resize=45%2C45&ssl=1",45,45,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Dartoid","author_link":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/author\/dartoid\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Some things make no sense. Take the price of gasoline in America. Over the past year the price of a gallon of gasoline has spiked nearly a dollar to over three dollars a gallon. The reasons given: Chinese demand, Hurricane Katrina, the war in Iraq, the prospect of another war in Iran, some problem with…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"authors":[{"term_id":15,"user_id":2,"is_guest":0,"slug":"dartoid","display_name":"Dartoid","avatar_url":{"url":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png","url2x":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/2024-02-13-12_01_31-Dartoids-World-_-The-most-widely-read-column-about-darts-in-the-world.png"},"first_name":"Paul","last_name":"Seigel","user_url":"http:\/\/www.dartoidsworld.com","job_title":"","description":"\"Dartoid\" is the pseudonym of Paul Seigel, a prominent chronicler of darts for over 35 years. His columns are celebrated for their wit and insight, often detailing his quest for a game in exotic locales worldwide. His writing offers vibrant commentary on the competitive darts landscape, including players, organizations, tournaments and the sport's unique culture. Dartoid's articles are highly regarded among darts enthusiasts, solidifying his role as a pivotal figure in promoting and documenting darts as both a recreational pastime and professional sport."}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7121","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7121"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7121\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6498"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7121"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dartoidsworld.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/ppma_author?post=7121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}