Wednesday, August 15, 2025
Column 695
Tooth-and-claw Justice
In what may go down as the most karmically satisfying hypothetical obituary ever published – I regret to report that Duncan “The Troll” Blatherdick, serial grifter, self-proclaimed animal savior, pitiful dart player, and world-class donor-fleecer, was fatally mauled in Africa last Thursday by a lion named Temba.
Although this didn’t actually happen, let’s be honest: those who know the charity world know that the type of man described here is very real – and the poetic justice imagined in this tale is the kind we sometimes wish were real.
In our hypothetical, Blatherdick climbs into a lion enclosure he has no business being anywhere near. But, as was his wont in life and business, he believed the rules – the “DANGER – NO ENTRANCE” sign – didn’t apply to him. Eyewitnesses say he whispered “He knows me” before scaling a fence and being corrected in the most permanent of ways.
The lion did not know him.
But perhaps Temba, as many have since suggested, sensed him. Sensed the deception. The greed. The untreated narcissistic personality disorder. Sensed the millions raised “to help animals” that somehow translated to Blatherdick’s practice of flying first-class, lodging at expensive hotels, his multiple luxury residences, free spending on fancy jewelry, and a cannabis habit that would impress Snoop Dogg.
In the long, storied history of upsets – Kirk Shepherd making a World Championship final, Fallon Sherrock torching most of the field at the 2021 Grand Slam, Peter Wright actually combing his multi-colored mohawk – none come close to this. This was the ultimate checkout: a righteous tooth-and-claw-laced reckoning by a majestic predator with better judgment than many charity CEOs and boards.
For decades, Blatherdick styled himself as a champion for animals. His smug mug plastered brochures and donor decks. Social media glowed with self-congratulations. Contributions flowed. And so did the perks – paid for from donations intended to help animals in need.
But those of us who’ve thrown a dart or two in smoky backrooms know a hustler when we see one. And Blatherdick worked the charity circuit like a pub shark with 170 remaining. His staff and former staff described him as a toxic egomaniac, a pathological liar, bully, and sexual predator. He was someone who treated ethics the way Bobby George treats salads: with absolute disdain.
He left a trail of ruined careers wider than a PDC tour stop buffet table. Yet somehow, he always landed on his feet.
Until he didn’t – at least in our karmic fantasy.
Because last week, Temba the lion stepped to the line. And with one swift, majestic motion, he hit the bull dead center. He did what the CEO and board of directers never could or would, said one former employee. No DRA fine. No second leg. Just a beautiful, final checkout.
Tributes have poured in – not for The Troll, but for the lion:
A majestic soul with impeccable moral instinct.
A feline of flawless judgment.
Yes, Temba knew. Maybe not the details – the financial shenanigans, favors for friends, the young girls who cried in the break room. He sensed the truth. He smelled it. The crocodile tears. The unchecked greed. The unpunished cruelty. And he acted, not out of hunger, but higher purpose.
Blatherdick leaves behind a tiny circle of loyalists – mostly family members who enjoyed the high life on donor dimes, including a wayward son with a penchant for powered happiness (who Blatherdick employed at a high salary despite his lack of any identifiable qualifications). He also leaves behind a much larger global community of legitimate animal lovers, former colleagues, and betrayed volunteers who are, to put it diplomatically, as one did, fucking thrilled.
Said another: Let’s face it, he was a pig but if it’s any consolation he was better than Donald Trump, just not by much.
There will be no funeral. No memorial. No moment of silence. Just a quiet, grateful cheer echoing across animal protection charities, among donors and former staff and volunteers, and off the sisal on dartboards around the world.
In lieu of flowers, consider donating to a real animal charity – or any charity – the kind where the majority of your donations actually help the causes you give your hard-earned money to rather than line the pockets of a Duncan “The Troll” Blatherdick and his family.
Or, as one former staffer put it: Just send a thank-you card to the lion.
Temba is in excellent health.
And undefeated.
Stay thirsty, my friends,
Dartoid
