June 1, 2007
Column 292
The Underdog’s gonna GETCHA, Erik McVay!
I had a dream about Erik “the Commandant” McVay last night… and he was wearin’ a dress!
Nah, I only jest. But he will be wearin’ one when I’m through thrashin’ his arse this coming July in Las Vegas.
That’s the deal I’m proposin’ – that the loser in our challenge match for charity must don a pretty little number. In addition, in the unlikely event that it somehow happens to beat me, I’ll shave my eyebrows and write out a $2 billion check to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Well, maybe I’ll pass on the eyebrows bit. And the check.
If you haven’t heard of McVay, he’s the brains behind the most active darts forum on the Internet at http://www.sewa-darts.com. There’s another busy forum at http://www.starsofdarts.com but McVay says that anybody who goes there “ain’t nothing but a weenie.”
“But I go there, Mr. Commandant,” I told him. “Yeah, then you’re a weenie who’s gonna be sashaying in a skirt.”
Our match will take place on July 3 at CD’s Sports Lounge (3025 East Desert In Road) at Stacy Bromberg’s and Joe McElligott’s 10th annual Score for Charity to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation. A lot of big-time darts people will be there: John Part, Paul Lim, Dennis Priestly, Ronnie Baxter, Roland Scholten, Wayne Mardle and a bunch of others. Start time is 8:00 p.m., just after the Desert Classic draw.
The fundraiser has been going on for almost ten years now (just checking to see if you read the last paragraph) and has raised nearly $100,000. A lot of children have benefited.
For example, three years ago, a British lad asked the charity to grant him just one simple wish. “Please, oh please,” he wrote, “all I ask is that you get Dartoid to stop doggin’ me. Well, there you go. Tommy Cox got his wish. Dreams can come true.
So there is hope for you, Chris Mason.
The last time I faced the Commandant I learned a lesson. It is a lesson that I have not forgotten. And it is the lesson that leads me, with supreme confidence, to say here, precisely now, at this exact moment: I am sorry Chris Mason! Please don’t kill me!
Actually, my past experience with McVay, is what makes me so certain that this underdog will not be slipping into something silky after the final dart is thrown on July 3.
The date was December 3, 2006. The location: the Keg Tavern somewhere in the Great American Northwest. It was freezing cold. You want to know how cold? Let me put it this way: I could have snapped some “Double Out” shots that would have popped your eyeballs out!
I had a great time in Pasco, Washington. I even met a darts-throwing Native American named Shawnee Big Swinging Pee Pee. And as I said, I learned an important lesson that will give me an edge this time against McVay: I must cheat.
In deference to my lack of skill at the line (although it is a filthy lie that I once lost a match to my dog – the truth is that he cheated) the Commandant suggested that, instead of throwing 501, we mix it up.
To give me a fighting chance he proposed that we play a bunch of weird-ass games that I’d never heard of before. Games like Jumping Wiggles and the Limestone Boogie (which it occurs to me would also be a good name for a soft-tip darts team).
Somehow I managed to hang in there. When I looked at the scoreboard the match was tied at four legs a piece. I was astonished.
The tiebreaker was 701 SI/DO, with partners. There were just two to choose from, both friend’s of McVay’s. The first was named Rainman, like the idiot savant played by Dustin Hoffman in the movie. The second was named Jester, but he wasn’t dressed in a clown suit. Supposedly the draw was random…
I drew Jester (and I mean absolutely no disrespect to the guy – he’s a hell of a lot better shot than me) and McVay drew Rainman, who turned out to be Kevin Luke – ADO National Youth Champion in both 1993 and 1995.
The Commandant brought in a RINGER! I was, as they say… well, I can’t say what they say because this is a family oriented column and I don’t use crude fucking language. Jester (actually John Prescott) and I went down in a burst of flames. Even his pony tail was smokin’!
But seriously: I did learn a lesson. I need to bring my own ringer to Vegas. So stay tuned Mr. El Commandante!
McElligott’s and Bromberg’s fundraiser is a great thing, usually attended by several hundred darters. And it’s all about the kids. The event kicks off at 8:00 p.m. with a double elimination blind draw, followed by a doubles match between Bromberg and Lim against McElligott and Part. There will then be an opportunity for anyone attending to challenge any of the professionals to a game of 501.
Following all this the Commandant and yours truly will GET IT ON!
Setting aside the silliness for a moment let me be completely honest about a couple of things.
I look up to McVay. He’s a kinda tall dude. Taller than me.
And he’s a better darts player too. He was once highly ranked by the ADO. This year he is being inducted into the National Darts Hall of Fame (NDHoF). I’ve never won crap (although I am in the NDHoF, which is a damn sad commentary on that outfit).
But Erik, you better damn well be pounding’ the practice board. The Underdog is comin’ to GETCHA! We’re gonna duke it out in the desert!
It’s gonna be the Miracle on Ice, the Jets over the Colts, the Miracle Mets, Upset over Man O’ War, and Buster Douglas standing over the “baddest man on the planet” flat on his back.
Yeah baby, it’s gonna be ME watching YOU stuff your arse into a dress.
From the Field,
Dartoid
