February 14, 2007
Column 283
Valentines are Fucked! (A Guest Column by Jerry Masterson, age 8)
Valentines are fucked! And while this sentence may be similar in theme to my previous column, “Kissing Girls is Fucked!” – they are both non-debatable points.
I will now relate a story. There is a boy in my class, Terry Williams. Big kid, probably retarded. One day in the cafeteria he goes up to Sandy Kennington and says, “Sandy. Do you know how to scare a bee?” And Sandy says, “No… how?” So Terry pinches each of her titties and yells, “BOO BEE!”
Funny, right? Well, it ain’t that funny because not only was Terry suspended for three weeks, but Sandy’s family filed a million-dollar lawsuit against the school district for “sexual harassment.” It was in all the papers, and for all I know, Terry’s name is now on some “sexual predator” list.
Now you may be saying, “What the fuck!?” But wait. I told you so I could tell you this. Yesterday Mrs. Meyerson tells everybody we’re doing something special for “Valentine’s Day.” We’re decorating lunch sacks, hanging them on the wall, and on Friday we’re going to exchange Valentines… with the entire class!
Okay, all together now… WHAT THE FUCK?!?
What is this? Some kind of vice squad sting operation? After what happened to Terry Williams, I’m supposed to give Shirley Roundtree some bullshit Pikachu Valentine that says “Be Mine?” Yeah, right. I do that, and before I know it, Law & Order: SVU is knocking down my door arresting me on charges of “sexual harassment” and some pencil-dick lawyer is soaking my parents of their life savings! But WAIT! That’s not all! Because see… I’m supposed to give Valentines to the BOYS, too!! Ohhhhh, that’s just fucking great! So not only am I written up in the papers as a goddamn sexual predator, but now I’m GAY too?
This is just fucking perfect! Hey! Look at me everybody! I’m a big fat eight-year-old sexual predator… and I’m gay. Look, I don’t know who this “St. Valentine” fruit loop is, but I do know one thing… HE IS FUCKED. (And this is a non-debatable point).
