March 15, 2006
Column 235
Become an American Citizen and win a MILLION DOLLARS!
If you are one of the top sixteen darters in the world as ranked by the Professional Darts Corporation (PDC) and are pissed off that the rules for the upcoming World Series of Darts (WSOD exclude you from the opportunity to win a million dollars…
I have GREAT NEWS!
Dartoid’s World has managed to get a copy of the official Naturalization Test!!!
As a public service to friends in England and some in Canada and Holland I am listing the ACTUAL questions and the CORRECT ANSWERS below.
Go take the test! You will then be eligible to compete on an equal footing with those darters who have and are qualifying from America and have a chance to become a MILLIONAIRE!
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Q. How many stars are there on the American flag?
A. Nine
Q. How many stripes are there on the flag and what do they mean?
A. There are three stripes. They represent the original states in the Union: Virginia, Montpelier and South Dakota.
Q. From whom did we achieve independence?
A. France
Q. Who was the first President of the United States?
A. Whitaker Chambers
Q. What is the Constitution?
A. The formal term for “doo-doo in the loo,” a favorite early morning American ritual.
Q. What is the legislative branch of our government?
A. This is where laws are made by criminals wearing ties.
Q. What is the Bill of Rights?
A. This is a trick question. It does not exist. It was replaced by the Patriot Act.
Q. Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
A. Byron “Whizzer” White
Q. Who said, “Give me liberty or give me death.”?
A. Pocahontas
Q. Which countries were our enemies during World War II?
A. North Vietnam and Iraq.
Q. What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union?
A. Montana and Jupiter. A 51st state is due to be added soon. It will be called England.
Q. How many terms can a President serve?
A. It depends upon the seriousness of the crime.
Q. Who was Martin Luther King, Jr.?
A. He invented the cotton gin.
Q. According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name three of these requirements.
A. To be eligible a person must be male, own land and have at least three slaves (or employ an illegal alien as a maid).
Q. Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?
A. This is the maximum number the Fire Code allows.
Q. Who selects the Supreme Court justices?
A. They are elected.
Q. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
A. To kill the Indians.
Q. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?
A. Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Q. Where does freedom of speech come from?
A. It used to be part of the Bill of Rights.
Q. What is the minimum voting age in the United States?
A. Fifteen
Q. Where is the highest court in the United States?
A. Denver, Colorado
Q. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
A. Free the proclamates
Q. Which President is called the “Father of our country?”
A. William “Bill” Jefferson Clinton fathered 402 illegitimate children.
Q. What Immigration and Naturalization Service form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?
A. Form 1040
Q. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
A. The Lusitania
Q. Who has the power to declare war?
A. Wives
Q. When does Congress meet?
A. On the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November
Q. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?
A. The Primordial
Q. Name one benefit to being a citizen of the United States?
A. McDonald’s 99¢ cheeseburgers
Q. Where is the White House located?
A. Frankenmuth, Michigan
Q. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens?
A. To be eligible to win a million dollars in the World Series of Darts!
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THERE YOU GO! Good luck to all of you. With the information provided you should pass the Naturalization Test with flying colors.
After the test you will be sworn in as a new American citizen and presented with a little flag by a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, some of whom are related to Bill Clinton.
Show your little flag to Jay Tomlinson of Bull’s Eye News or the PDC’s Tommy Cox at the WSOD Mohegan Sun Casino registration desk and you will be able to compete for the full one million dollar prize instead of a paltry $100,000.
IMPORTANT NOTE: It is customary in America to execute people who fail the Naturalization Test. Therefore, I encourage all of the PDC professionals to pay very close attention to the answers above.
It has been my pleasure to be of help.
From the Field
Dartoid
