December 1, 2005
Column 204
Some Advice for 14-year-old Boys!!!
If you’re a 14-year-old boy who’s interested in girls and sports, the information and advice that follows is for you. Read on!
If you’re not interested in girls that’s understandable, and probably wise. I wasn’t either when I was your age. I preferred poker. Girls become women, sort of like the way cuddly baby lions become lionesses. They grow up and eat your wallet. Then you can’t even play poker. But still read on…
If you’re not interested in sports, stop reading and go find your parents immediately. Ask for counseling. You’re messed up. Unless you get help you will never amount to squat.
But if you ARE interested in girls AND sports, notably darts, you’ve just found the mother load. In the paragraphs to follow you will learn everything you need to know to win the attention of the perfect girl for you.
Her name is Ashley Stewart.
She’s the American Darts Organization’s (ADO) 2005 National Youth Champion. She’s the first female champion and the youngest ever.
But first young men, a question. Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray?
If you haven’t, here’s the deal…
Murray plays Phil, a cynical weather forecaster who travels with his producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the annual ritual of the coming out of the groundhog. I’ll bet you didn’t know that the groundhog was gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Murray wakes up, does his story, but then finds himself trapped in town for a second night because of a snowstorm. With nothing else to do, he spends a quiet evening in front of a fire at his guesthouse creating anagrams out of Punxsutawney. He discovers that there is only one: Groundhogs are fat-ass gerbils.
When Murray wakes up the next morning he discovers in bed next to him the little gopher from Caddyshack. Murray freaks, strikes the animal repeatedly with a sand wedge, and then blows it up.
No, seriously, when Murray wakes up, Sonny and Cher are singing I Got You Babe on the old clock radio next to his bed. Of course, they aren’t actually on the radio in a physical sense. This would squash the radio. They are inside the radio, in miniature. As this revelation is even more frightening than finding a gopher in your bed, Murray really does freak this time, grabs a set of skis, goes outside, and slaloms into a tree, where he meets Sonny.
I’m sorry. I apologize, Ashley. I have digressed.
What really happens is that Murray finds himself in some sort of time-loop. He wakes up morning after morning to the same Sony and Cher song and lives yesterday over and over again. But only Murray experiences the monotony. No one else knows what’s happening.
At first he is bewildered. Next he despairs. But then, after hundreds of Groundhog Days, Murray finds a purpose in life. He sets out to learn everything he can about Rita – what interests her… her hopes and dreams – so that he can pretend to be her ideal man and seduce her. Eventually, Murray wins Rita’s heart and in an ending bit of irony, as does Maxwell Klinger in the final episode of MASH, they decide to settle down in the one place Murray struggled to escape. Yes, Korea.
So… the good news for all of you 14-year-old, dart-throwing, girl-chasing boys is that you don’t have to go to Punxsutawney and live the same day a thousand times to get the dope you need to have a chance with Ashley Stewart. I’ve done the advance work for you…
With girls, as Murray learned the hard way, all you have to do is find out what they care about. You have to say the right things. You have to be sympathetic (which is not the same as just pathetic, although it may sometimes feel that way). You have to pretend to care about the crap they care about.
Here are some lines that are guaranteed to break the ice with Ashley Stewart.
Yo Ashley. I’m a sports nut and I think field hockey is the bomb. I think it should be an Olympic sport. Oh, and you’re really pretty.
Hey Ash. Your mom and dad are, like, really cool – the way they hang out in bars and throw darts and all. I wish my mom and dad were just like them. Oh, and you’re so pretty.
Hi Ashley. Just last night while I was watching Laguna Beach I was thinking, like, none of these babes are as pretty as you.
Ash. I don’t know about you, but honesty is what’s important to me. I don’t like people who gossip, are fake, or show off. And also, you’re as purty as a Christmas tree.
Hey there Ashley. Are you a Harry Potter fan? I am, but I think Hermione is a pig compared to you.
You know Ashley, if I won a million dollars, I’d give some to charity, some to my parents, and I’d go to college. Oh, and you’re pretty.
Ash! I’d just love to go shopping with a pretty girl like you.
Hi Ashley. I’m in ninth grade and I like history class best. I don’t like science much. If I could do anything in the world full-time I’d just throw darts. Oh, and you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.
Ash. Do you, like, maybe, like pasta? It’s my favorite. Maybe we could go get some? You’d be the prettiest girl in the restaurant.
Ashley. You’re just so pretty and, like, WOW, do you have a nice set of darts!
IMPORTANT NOTE: You might want to skip that last line just in case, like, you know, her parents are around.
So, young men, there you have it!
ANOTHER NOTE: In lieu of all this you could lift weights, grow some muscles, and learn how to throw a football 80 yards. Or you could learn how to dance.
Read the lines above and memorize the details, and you’ll have the inside track on how to get the attention of the best young darter in America, Ashley Stewart. In a few years you might even get a date.
If you do, just remember: she pocketed $1,500 for winning the Youth Nationals.
So she can pay.
From the Field,
Dartoid
