Column #524 Clinton or Trump: Who do you pick for your darts team?

Saturday, October 1, 2016
Column 524
Clinton or Trump: Who do you pick for your darts team?

With the debates on and the presidential election about to enter the homestretch, and with pretty much 100 percent of the electorate on record as despising one or the other of the two major party candidates, now is the time to ask the all-important, possibly election-deciding question for Americans of the darts persuasion:

Clinton or Trump: Who do you pick for your darts team?

I posed this question (or maybe I didn’t) to an esteemed panel of experts including Ted Northrop, Peter Tilley, Mike Maloney, Frank Wolfe, Chris Shields, Danny Delfino, the ADO board of directors, and the Rainman.

Only the Rainman came back with an intelligent response.

Out of respect for the others above who took time (or maybe they didn’t) to consider the question let me briefly share their responses:

  • Northrop: American darts suck so either candidate would improve any darts team.      
  • Tilley: Blimey. Since Neil Kinnock isn’t an option, mark me down for Hillary.
  • Maloney: I throw soft-tip. So either of these plastic jokers is fine by me.
  • Wolfe: Trump! I don’t want no fat chick on my team!
  • Shields: Take me off your damn panel. You called me out for suggesting I’d like to do despicable things to a child. Were I to vote, I’d cast a biggie for that respectable guy, Doyle.
  • Delfino: Put me down for Doyle too. He’s good for darts.
  • ADO: We want Dartoid!

So I had to convene a second panel…

Several prominent players participated but for some reason requested their names not be made public. They were joined by recently released from jail sex offender (the little girl was 9) John Doyle, aka “JD, JD3, Smurphy, Cyanide, and Worldwide Darts” who snuck onto the panel via an alias. Doyle now claims to be a member of the Maine Dart Association.

Similar to a traditional beauty contest, the panel evaluated the candidates on the basis of personality, intelligence, talent, answers to questions on world events, trash talking skills, familiarity with booze, and of course their ability to fill out a swimsuit.

Trump became the early favorite by sweeping all votes (but one) in the swimsuit competition. Said one panelist, “We were too frightened to contemplate the alternative.” The dissenting panelist cast (her) ballot for Scott Wollaston.

But Clinton easily held her throw, power scoring in the essential-to-darts boozing segment. In Estonia in 2008, she slugged back four shots of vodka in a drinking contest against John McCain. Said her campaign manager at the time, “She’s a girl from Illinois who likes to throw ’em down with the rest of us.” Trump is a teetotaler, although this is a wagon he’d likely abandon were he to actually have to face a bikini-clad Clinton (or Wollaston in a Speedo).

In the areas of personality, intelligence, and answers to questions on world events the panel chose not to score either candidate since in their unanimous judgment “both are frickin’ imbeciles and none of this means Jack Shit to darts.”

The trash talk scoring was tight. Along with drinking and talent, trash talking is important to fitting in on many darts teams. While Trump pounded maximums to rack up an impressive early lead for calling women, Mexicans, Muslims, African Americans, Jews, handicapped people, refugees, the Pope, all his primary opponents, the media, his own party, and Clinton (for which some on the panel gave him a pass) “scum-sucking, smelly, radical, retard losers with small hands and mini boobies,” Clinton closed a stunning 170 to win the category after labeling Trump’s supporters “deplorable.”

The voting was tied when it came to talent.

All things being equal, every darts team wants a teammate who can SCORE.

And the panel was deadlocked in this category as well…

Trump was given high talent marks for “getting past all 12,202 of his primary opponents.” Clinton was given equal credit for winning the nomination of her party despite being “a pathological liar but possibly nice email-deleting, favor-selling, Benghazi responsibility-shirker, philander-enabler, Whitewater-rafter who wears colorful sacks and suffers from a host of life-threatening diseases, including Ebola.”

In the end, it was the pedophile who cast the tie-breaking vote.

Said Doyle, “The most important factor has to be talent. I don’t want someone on my team who can’t get the job done, can’t satisfy. In this most critical respect, we must give full consideration to the, apparently necessary, actions of former President Bill Clinton. Hillary would leave the team limp – so I cast my vote for Trump. Also, I hear he has a cute granddaughter named JonBenét.”

So there you have it. Although close, the panel selected The Donald.

Of course, both panels were just figments of my imagination. Nonetheless, as suggested in the fourth paragraph, only the Rainman gave a truly solid answer to the question. Just as Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) replied to his brother Charlie Babbitt (Tom Cruise) in the 1988 movie Rain Man, the autistic Rainman answered today’s question with uncanny savant skill…

Clinton or Trump: Who do you pick for your darts team?

Replied the Rainman, “I get my boxer shorts at Kmart in Cincinnati.”

Hopefully, the voters will get it right. But I don’t see much hope. The choice we have been given, or have given ourselves, makes about as much sense as the politically incorrect crap you’ve just read.

From the Field,

Dartoid

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Dartoid
Author of the column that since 1995 has been featured by Bull’s Eye News, the American Darts Organization’s (ADO) Double Eagle and numerous other darts publications and websites around the globe.