Column #HR151 Kiss my asp!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Column HR151
Kiss my asp!

There’s nothing more pathetic than a former darter trying to hang on. Telling himself, herself or itself that, “I’ve still got it – just not having any luck.” The great golfer Jack Nicklaus, speaking of luck said, “The more I practice the luckier I get.”

Next on the list of pathetic darters is the person who  never played worth a darn but now pretends to write about darts spreading wisdom that has been proven useless over the course of time. “Free advice is worth what you pay for it.”

Those who have moved from the oche to the Internet, pretending to be writers, use all the usual tricks to try for relevance.  For instance, they will take a holiday, build 1,141 words of drivel and call it a column. The Old Dart Coach deplores that type of low-life bottom feeding  individual.

Halloween is the ODC’s favorite holiday. He celebrates it as the day his ex-wife ventured out on All Hallows Eve to test fly her new broom. Never top of the line – well she did marry the ODC – the transportation was purchased at the 99 cents store where English is the third language. Alas, she crashed coming in for a landing at the local “WE B Wine.”

The ODC was reminded by the Most Honorable Editor that he’s penned 150 columns for Dartoid’s World, which probably means more than 15,000 words not all of them different.

From 2012, at this time of year the ODC wrote, We are approaching the time of the year when things go bump in the night.  For the non-dart world that’s the celebration of  Halloween or All Hallows Eve.  On that night, while little kids are dressing up like ghosts, witches, pirates or Paris Hilton, many men dress up like women.  In some places like Las Vegas and San Francisco they seem to celebrate All Hallows Eve 365 days per year while singing Michael Bolton love songs.  Go figure.

The OZ from Australia wrote of riding a train in Thailand – where every day is Halloween. Across from him sat a “drop-dead gorgeous lady who was a 15 on a scale of 10.”  As a somewhat shy person he thought, Please no erection.  But alas she got one.

Never one to let a holiday sneak by the, ODC wrote in 2011, ‘Tiz that time of the year when we join together to sing at the top of our baby voices, ‘Deck the halls with balls from Holly.’  Balls from Holly? Well yes, as Holly use to be Bruce.

The ODC had it spot on except Bruce became Caitlyn.  Go figure.

In 2010, the ODC prepared maybe his best opening ever. He wrote,A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Malamute saloon’ is the opening line of the poem by Robert Service titled “The Shooting of Dan McGrew.” Fast forward to May 23, 2010 and the Wembley Arena where a bunch of darts fans were ready to whoop it up for the 2010 Premier League Finals. Funny thing happened – a power outage delayed the event 24 hours. That held the crowd to only 2,000, which doesn’t include a nationwide TV audience.  When things got going in the Arena, The Power going full blast.

Good guess, as that’s the night Taylor would toss two 9-darters back-to-back against James Wade.

For some, trick and treating arrived early. Take the case of Lamar Odom and his “not going to divorce wife” Khloe Kardashian. Mr. Odom was found unconscious at the Love Ranch Brothel outside Las Vegas after three days of “doing what one does in a brothel.” Allegedly, he also used “nose candy” and “tent pole raising medicine.” It was alleged that he left the Love Ranch after running up a bill of $75,000. Later reports are that he “stiffed” the brothel owner. Hmmm, guess he missed no one.  The treats got tricked or maybe some tricks got treats.

A  Halloween treat goes out to USA’s Robin Curry who made it to the top four of the Turkish Open while collecting 340 Euros for her day’s work. 340 Euros is $375.00 USD.  She would lose to eventual runner-up Natalie Carter of Australia. The event was won by Deta Headman of England, the world’s best dart-playing 6-foot chocolate bar, and the ODC’s fav.

Curry had warmed up for the Turkey trip with a singles win at the Witch City over Cali West. The two ladies – Curry and West – would team up for the women’s pairs in Turkey, running into Deta and her playing partner Rachel Brooks (who won the ladies pairs), losing 4-1in the quarters.

The top America male in the singles was Tom Sawyer, who lasted until the top 64. Larry Butler went out 126 (4-3). Sawyer and Larry Butler would go out of the pair’s 4-3 in the quarters. All were in Turkey for the World Cup.

On the PDC Tour every play day is Halloween for Peter “Snakebite” Wright, whose darting  attire is a veritable Halloween costume. Regardless of the attire, he is one hell of a darts player. He is number #4 in the world with winnings of £393,250. Michael van Gerwen leads with £588,750.

Wright’s latest victory, his 4th of the year, came in the Players Championship in Coventry via a 6-5 win over Benito van de Pas. Neither player lost serve until Wright got the 11th leg.  He averaged a solid 107 on his way to £10,000.

John Gwyn was the voice of the PDC for some time on TV. He retired recently but did take the gig doing the Winmau Masters. He had a little pre-Halloween trick for darters when he intoned, “Outshot averages are meaningless because if you have three darts in your hand at a double and hit it on the third dart what difference does it make if you missed the first two?”

A fact that the ODC has spouted for years.  A much better stat would be darts missed when you lose the leg.

These spaces frequently quote Dave Whitcombe, lovingly called the Sage of Sittingbourne. History tells us that behind every man called a “sage” is a women feeding him his wit and wisdom. We present Ms. Delph Whitcombe, who the ODC wanted to call a “sagette” only to find out that the term “sage” works for all three sexes. The latest from Ms. Delph: ”When you’re dead you don’t know but others do. It’s the same when you’re stupid.”

The ODC’s  Halloween custom tip for lady darters…

Go dressed as Cleopatra, including the wicker basket for your snake. When you trick or treat, if you don’t get what you want, reach in your basket, remove your rubber snake and tell ’em:

“Kiss my asp.”

Stay thirsty my friends.

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Howie Reed
The one and only Howie Reed (the Old Dart Coach) goes back decades with the legends of our sport - he knows where the skeletons are buried. Just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers! His widely popular column, Toeing the Oche, is a must-read.
Howie Reed

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