Column #HR41 SMOKE THIS you 6-10 split, gap-toothed English wanker!

Monday, April 25, 2011
Column HR41
SMOKE THIS you 6-10 split, gap-toothed English wanker!

Willie Nelson sang about being “On the Road Again” with such joy that it’s 100% sure that he’s never been on the road with the Old Dart Coach.

Neither could you use Chicago’s “Saturday in the Park” to describe the experience. When the ODC goes on his Asia Tour it’s proceed at your own risk. This time it was Thailand, Philippines and then back to Thailand.

For the trip “El Cheapo,” as the ODC is known behind his back, laid out almost $13 for a pair of “trainers” at Walmart. The highly experienced sales person explained that the shoe to try on for size was the dominate foot. Naturally being left-handed the ODC found the size he wanted, tried on the left shoe, returned it to the box and paid the bill. Not wanting to put dirty shoes in a suitcase he took the new shoes directly from the box and put them in his well traveled and battle-scarred luggage.

On his first day in Thailand he noticed that the right shoe didn’t feel right – not something you could but your foot on or in but something was amiss. As the injection of stupid fluid increased the shoe felt better. Two days later, while in Angeles City, Philippines, the ODC put on his new shoes. Without “stupid fluid” the right shoe felt really bad. Looking down, the ODC discovered why. Both shoes were designed and made in China for the left foot. Yes, there is still a similar pair of the same size at Walmart in Las Vegas for someone with two right feet. The ODC is now looking for a one legged person to donate the shoes to. The lucky recipient will now have two shoes.

Most know the song “One Night in Bangkok” when a “hard man is made humble.” There was a night in Angeles where Mr. S. Lord (called the Fat Swede) gave the ODC a dose of “humble.” The pair had stopped for a beverage at a place that also offered “lady’s walking to music.” The next day as the ODC was sunning himself by the hotel pool, hopeful that neither Greenpeace nor PETA would come along and try to toss him back in the water, Mr. S. Lord walked by. “Let’s go have a drink?” Those of course are the magic words…

“But go inside and change your shirt. You have a spot on it.” When the ODC entered the “dance palace” of the previous evening Mr. S. Lord said, “One of the girls wanted to know where my fat friend was?” “How dare they talk like that!” exclaimed the ODC. “Which one uttered those words?” “It was the one with black hair and brown eyes.” That narrowed it down to every female in Asia…

Dart players are superstitious by their very nature but so are cab drivers as the ODC discovered. During a cab ride in Manila the ODC noticed that on the dashboard the driver had a statue of the Virgin Mary, a Jewish shepherd wise man, Buddha and a frog. “Good protection. That about covers the field. You got all bases covered. Christians, Jews, Buddhist and the French,” opined the ODC.

THE PREMIER LEAGUE

Playing “Man Friday” to the ODC has made it impossible to follow the weekly Premier League matches on Justin TV. Three more weeks of play have gone by the boards with Old Mo deciding who he will favor in the race for a playoff spot with three weeks remaining.

It probably will surprise no one that Phil Taylor has gone 24-4 in that time, time winning three on the trot. Most recently he took care of World Champion Adrian Lewis 8-3, avenging an opening night loss to Lewis. It was a Phil Taylor-like performance with eight 180s. In his win over a fading Mark Webster, who is 3-24 over three weeks, Taylor averaged 107.07. That same night Simon Whitlock stole the show when he punched out Raymond van Barneveld 8-5 tossing eight 180s while averaging 107.93. World Champion Adrian “Baby” Lewis has been on a downward slide (he’s 9-24) while dropping three in a row all by 8-3 scores. Besides Taylor he was also dunked 8-3 by James Wade and Barney.

PL rookie Gary Anderson has proved that above all else he has staying power in the toughest of all dart leagues (although some would argue that the Thursday Night League in Pattaya is pretty darn difficult). See item below.

Being able to double which was suppose to be Andersen’s weakness isn’t. Why? ODC Motto to live by #463: “If you can score enough there’s time for missed doubles.” Anderson can score as he showed when he took down Simon Whitlock 8-6 tossing a Premier League record eleven 180s and finishing with a nifty11-darter. Yes a “nifty 11-darter” is better than your run of the mill 11-darter.

Anderson had two other “Ws” against Mark Webster (8-1) and Terry Jenkins (8-3). The latter two can kiss their chances of making the play-offs “good bye.” They’re toast. “Give ’em a drink before and then a last smoke.”

At the top of the league table to the surprise of no one is Phi Taylor who will finish first. Gary Anderson with a win and three points will secure the second seed. He’s got a difficult three match run but should scratch out the three points. The remaining two places will be filled by Barney, Wade, Whitlock or Lewis. The edge would have to go to Barney for the third slot with fourth wide open. With three weeks to play Whitlock has a one point lead and is +2 in legs won. James Wade, on a current 24-9 run, has problem because he’s minus nine legs while Adrian Lewis, who is right there only a point back, is only -1 in legs won. Lewis probably gets the edge as he gets Jenkins while Wade has Jenkins, Barney and Taylor.

UK QUALIFIERS

The town of Barnsley is mainly known as the spot where the ODC once spent New Year’s Eve at the Longcar Inn. The town can now brag that they held a couple of UK Open Speedy Hire Qualifiers which are part of the PDC Pro Tour.

Gary Anderson was better than good tossing nine 180s in besting Phil Taylor 6-4. This was the first Anderson “W” over Philip Douglas Taylor since 2007. While tied at one Anderson put together a run of 12, 11, and 11 darts with five of his 180s for a lead that he never relinquished. Up 5-4 Anderson took the decider with a pair of 180s that allowed him to wallow a bit on the finish but still get there before Taylor.

The following day Taylor reigned supreme taking young Joe Cullen to the woodshed 6-1 in the final.

THE OLD DART COACH

It would not be proper to write that the Old Dart Coach was stunning in his return to Pattaya League action. He was actually not very good but does get kudos for not acting like the jerk he usually is in the Land of Smiles. Even though fueled by copious amounts of both “aiming” and “stupid fluid” he did not call the “6-10 split, gap-toothed English wanker” a “6-10 split, gap-toothed English wanker.”

What happened was that the opposing team had only one person who could chalk. As the home team they were required to do the honors. That one person was of course the “6-10 split, gap-toothed English wanker.” As an added attraction the said “wanker” was filled to the brim with stupid fluid which in his case was overkill as well as a waste of good “stupid fluid.” What gave the ODC the “RA” was not so much that said “wanker” told his teammates (all ladies and one suspected of heading that way) the outs but compounded it by pointing to the double. Add that to the fact he couldn’t count, couldn’t see too well and was constantly touching darts in the board.

Credit the ODC with keeping his cool while sipping brain fluid on the sidelines and whispering in a low voice to Captain Danny, “I hate that $%#@$. I swear I’ll kill the *&%#.” Danny, always cool and collected, explained that it was just a game and to calm down. Danny scheduled to play the “wanker” so the ODC being the magnanimous person he is volunteered to chalk. He though maybe if he sees how to really chalk he’ll get the message. “NFC” and I don’t mean the Nation Football Conference.

Next up, the ODC played a lady. Actually he played lousy but did find himself with 130 left. “Now’s the time to shine. Watch this you horse’s ass!”

The first dart, tried and true, finds the single 20 but the second dart strikes the triple. The ODC steps back, than approaches the line again, checks the wind, the lights and prepares to toss the ultimate dart which is then followed by a string of expletives hurled at “The Wanker.”

The arm comes back, the eye steady, the throw starts, when: “You have double bull weft.” That’s how it sounds with no front teeth.

The ODC stops short but the dart flies and, of course, hits a green bull with the only red being his head and face – looking like a thermometer outside in Las Vegas on a August day.

“Howie don’t worry about it,” Captain Danny again counsels.

The calm lasted until Danny played doubles. “The Wanker” talked during Danny’s every shot. Finally Danny could take it no longer. “Oh yes, now you %$#@ing talk when I’m shooting,” he charged as he pulled his darts.

The rest of the conversation is not printable. The ODC counseled Danny “It’s just a game.” Which brought the predicable response.

The beer team game found “The Wanker” throwing just in front of the ODC. He hit 100, pulled his darts from the board and yelled “Smokin’!” His next trip yielded another 100 with another “Smokin’!”

His third trip he scored 7.

As he took his darts out of the board the ODC yelled “Smokin’!”

The good guys won the beer game which prompted the ODC, completely out of character, to raise the one finger victory salute and cry SMOKE THIS!”

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Howie Reed
The one and only Howie Reed (the Old Dart Coach) goes back decades with the legends of our sport - he knows where the skeletons are buried. Just ask any of the ADO and WDF old-timers! His widely popular column, Toeing the Oche, is a must-read.

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