December 11, 2007
Column 311
Jugs for World Peace
(NOTE: I wrote this for a friend of mine, Barbara Cooke, who has been known to throw a dart or two. She has promised me, if she wins, she will – in addition to her serious pledge below, use her celebrity to promote our wonderful sport by posing for an exclusive “bare all” Double Out photo session. So, please support Barbara and do your part to promote our sport (and world peace) by e-mailing “MJ” at [email protected] to encourage him to select her as one of this year’s Jingle Jugs Contest winners. Thank you.)
Jugs for World Peace
— by Barbara Cooke
I should be selected as one of the 2008 Jingle Jugs Contest winners because I am pledged to make the world a better place. I’ll wager this is a reason that has never been presented to you before. Read on…
I understand there are many hopeful entrants slaving away at their computers to craft essays, each trying to outdo the others to attract attention and convince you they are the one you should choose.
May I suggest however, with all due respect of course, that all of these ladies are sleazy self-serving sluts who, beyond plans to offer a few appreciative hummers around your panel and then get a job at a strip club (both which under absolutely no circumstance would I be willing to lower myself to), have no intent whatsoever in using their winnings on behalf of mankind.
I do!
Should my essay be selected I pledge to put my new endowments to immediate use to roll back the outrageous cost of gasoline, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bring our brave troops home, eliminate all taxes, save the whales and ban Barry Manilow from the airwaves.
How will I accomplish all this, you might ask? Fair question…
The answer is that I will book a flight to Washington, D.C., meet with George Bush at the White House and ask him to do these things. It’s as simple as that. I expect he will agree because, well, honestly: Can you name even one American, except perhaps Dick Cheney, who wants gasoline prices to continue to spiral, the war to go on forever, taxes of any kind to rise, or whales – or any sentient being – to be forced to listen to Manilow’s “I Write the Songs” until they lose their minds and give up the will to live?
Of course you can’t!
But here’s the clincher – and this is why winning the Jingle Jugs contest is so incredibly important. If the president does not agree I will slap him senseless with my new jugs until he submits to the public will. So you see, if you select me as a contest winner, one way or another I will make good on my pledge in the first paragraph.
Together, WFLZ-FM 93.3 and I can change the world. We can move the president to take crucial life-changing and life-saving actions that, until the Jingle Jugs Contest, the citizens and voters of this great nation have been unsuccessful in motivating. It’s an honorable quest. We could even win a Nobel Peace Prize.
Thank you for considering my essay and humanitarian pledge. If the above does not quite meet the level of “creativity and persuasiveness” required by the contest rules I would of course – solely in the interest of world peace, saving the whales and a more hopeful future for all – be willing to reconsider the hummers.
From the Field,
Dartoid
